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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that other parents constantly thwart my efforts to give my dds independence

45 replies

brassick · 07/01/2011 13:20

Dds are (almost) 14 and 11.

I am keen that they learn independence, and have the confidence and nous to do things for themselves.

So when dd2 asked me today if she could go to a local town to meet some friends (they have a snow day & I have a study day), I said she could, and told her to find out how to get there on a bus. I am studying, and don't have the time to take her, and don't see any harm in her taking the 2 buses that would be necessary.

We looked up the bus times on the internet, worked out which stand she needed to go to at the bus station and she was quite happy with that.

Then one of her friends phones and says that her dad is going to take them. Obviously that's great, and dd jumped at the offer.

However, that now makes me feel like I should offer to pick them up. But I don't want to, and don't see any need to.

This happens quite often - dd1 has a friend who lives round the corner (admittedly up a hill, but really not far). I never offer to take her there, unless I am going past on my way somewhere else. I also never pick her up from there, again unless some sort of exceptional circumstances.

However, her friend's mum often gives dd a lift home, or comes to pick up her dd from here. Which I feel makes me look like an uncaring mother...

My default position is that if they can get somewhere under their own steam, then they should. We live on a main road, on the edge of a city, with buses going past our house every 5 minutes, and within walking distance of the city centre and their friends' houses.

AIBU to want to make my children independent and not feel like I am being neglectful?

OP posts:
CommanderDrool · 07/01/2011 13:23

YANBU

I was getting the bus to school at 11. She is learning to be confident, resourceful and independent.

charliesmommy · 07/01/2011 13:23

YANBU or neglectful either. If another parent has the time to give them a lift fair enough.. but it doesnt do them any harm to walk occasionally, or learn to be independant.

ShirleyKnot · 07/01/2011 13:26

Just because the other mother doesn't choose to do the same thing as you (and you don't say that the other mum says anything to you about being neglectful?) doesn't make you neglectful, or her over-protective.

jacquiel · 07/01/2011 13:29

urgggh
it is so annoying.
one of my dd's has always been encouraged to be independent like this but has a club she goes to that she can easily catch a train to and from and has done happily.
a friend who lives a couple of train stops from us goes to the club too, but isnt allowed to go on public transport, so has been giving dd a lift too.
dd came home saying friends mum said she didnt think it was fair that she always did the lift, and can we share... grrr

emy72 · 07/01/2011 13:29

I was sexually harassed aged 9 when taking a bus to school and then again at 16. Whilst at 16 I was able to deal with the situation, at 9 I was too young to have the tools to deal with it, so sadly I would never ever send my on DDs out and about on a public bus on their own until they are at least in their late teens.

I know it could happen anywhere, but if I can reduce the risks I will as I wouldn't want them to experience what I did.

Original poster
brassick · 07/01/2011 13:29

I guess a lot of it is in my head - down to me feeling bad that I'm not "pulling my weight" but then resentful that I feel that way...

I do have friends who don't let their children have as much freedom as I do, so I guess they probably think I'm a bit too "relaxed".

I need to learn to stop worrying what other people think...easier said than done.

OP posts:
sinpan · 07/01/2011 13:30

YANBU but other parents are just taking a different approach, it doesn't mean they see you as neglectful. It's a shame parents feel like they have to drive their teenage children everywhere, I certainly don't - don't have daughters though, if that makes a difference. I think you're doing your daughters a big favour

Original poster
brassick · 07/01/2011 13:32

emy72, sorry to hear about your experience.

However, my dds are both well over 9, both at secondary school, and both travel 12 miles to that school every day (albeit on school bus not public transport). I was travelling 20 miles to school every day on a train when I was their age, so I guess my boundaries for them are based on my experience, while yours for your children will be based on yours.

OP posts:
jasper · 07/01/2011 13:32

YANBU
I have a similar dilema where I want my son to walk home from a weekly event and a friend drives to collect her daughter and picks him up too - I feel like I should offer to drive sometime but wish my friend would let them walk together

Original poster
brassick · 07/01/2011 13:33

Oh and jacquiel that's exactly the kind of thing I fear happening, and it would really annoy me.

OP posts:
emy72 · 07/01/2011 13:34

Yes sorry what I was meaning is that we each have our own reasons for doing what we do.

I would probably be overprotective with mine but I don't for a minute think you are being neglectful.

maktaitai · 07/01/2011 13:34

YANBU. i think you need to bring it into the open where you can.

Can you ring the friend's house and explain the dilemma? - that you're happy for your dd to come home on the bus, in fact you'd prefer it, and how do they feel about their dd doing the same? Then if they say oh no, we will pick up our dd, stick to your guns and say well, I'd like my dd to do this trip while I'm around so that I know she can do it in the future solo?

I'm currently working on parents of ds's friends so that ds can ring them up, meet in the park and come home after a certain amount of time... i feel ludicrous having to arrange this, but the fact remains that if I don't openly talk to the other parents, they will assume I am asking them to supervise our 7 year olds in the park!

KateF · 07/01/2011 13:36

YANBU-I get this too. One mum actually took dd2 back to her house and phoned me saying dd must have misunderstood, she knew I couldn't possibly want her to walk home alone. She was 2 streets away at midday on a Saturday! I felt obliged to go and pick her up so as not to look like a bad mum.

Original poster
brassick · 07/01/2011 13:37

I guess my rule of thumb is that if they are happy to do something, then they are ready to do it.

For example, dd1 decided she was bored with shopping here and in Cardiff (next nearest city), so wanted to go to Bristol, which is about 10 miles further, and a longer train ride.

She researched the train times, worked out what bus to get from the station to the city centre and printed out a map of Bristol city centre to refer to when she was there. To me, this makes it clear that she is ready to do this. My friend (mum of one of dd's friends) was horrified...

OP posts:
Kendodd · 07/01/2011 13:37

Well done you making her look up the bus route as well. You are my new MN parenting guru.

jellybeans · 07/01/2011 13:38

YANBU I know how you feel. Many of DD's (11) friends parents are very overprotective, they won't let their kids sleepover or go on school trips etc. It's been a nightmare when starting school as we are trying to encourage independance (DD has been going into the local small town since 10 and can easilt get the bus to school etc) and the friends parents offer lifts and when they fall out she (DD friend) threatens not to give lift to DD and it all gets awkward with the parents, also I prefer to be independant as there will be times when he friends are ill etc. I sometimes feel I am neglectful etc. Still each to their own.

Metherbumfit · 07/01/2011 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

missmehalia · 07/01/2011 13:42

brassick, I really think you're the best judge of your DC's maturity, which isn't always dictated by their chronological age.

If you wanted to clear up any potential issues, you could always ring the other mum and let her know what your stance is on your own DCs, so that she can make informed decisions accordingly. It really does get rid of any BS if you are open with another involved parent. Your stance sounds totally reasonable to me, and hopefully she would understand. If your two DCs are going to go out together regularly, then it may work for the best in the long run if you have a quick chat with her about it. I think that she should be the one who does the driving if she wants to be guaranteed that her DD's monitored more closely than yours. It's wrong if she expects you to adhere to her expectations.. What with so many DCs having mobiles these days, it's easy for the girls to ring either of you if there are issues.

Original poster
brassick · 07/01/2011 13:43

Yes, we had similar last year when dd2 was in year 6. Dh works in a cinema which is about 30 minutes walk from her primary school - only one road to cross, and literally one pavement the whole way (despite being next to a dual carriageway).

We decided that on a Thursday, dd could walk to the cinema after school, as dh had a regular meeting that made it difficult for him to get to school in time to collect her. Dd was happy with this, and looked forward to the little bit of independence this gave her.

I think she only walked it about 25% of the time - the rest of the time, various parents stopped to give her a lift, which she was too embarrassed (and lazy at times!) to say no to.

I know they were all only doing it out of kindness, but I could imagine the conversations going on in her friends' homes.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 07/01/2011 13:43

My DD is enjoying her new grown-up responsibility (she is 6yo BTW). Some days when I take her to school, I don't walk her all the way to the door. I stand on the public footpath by the school - I can see the whole length of the footpath she is going to walk along, plus the door to her classroom. DD skips off and takes herself into school.

She is comfortable with this, she knows I'll see if she has a problem, and she walks like she's 10 feet tall as she is so proud of herself for doing this.

I still have other parents stop and ask me if I want them to look after DD for me and see she gets in safely - er, no thank you, that's what I'm doing.

At her I age I walked to and from school entirely on my own, so I don't think I'm asking much of her.

Original poster
brassick · 07/01/2011 13:45

To be honest, I don't really speak to the other parents that often...and this isn't such a big issue (other than in my head!) that I would make a point of phoning someone specifically to discuss it.

However, I do agree that if it did become an issue (like jaquiel's train thing), then an honest and open conversation is the best way to go.

OP posts:
whatdoiknowanyway · 07/01/2011 13:46

YANBU my DDs take the tube every day to school. As they got older they began to use it to go out at night. We live 5 well lit minutes from a tube station and they value their independence. However some of their friends's mothers would insist on driving them home. I felt judged but was happy about the freedom we gave our girls and so felt under no obligation to reciprocate.

These are usually the same friends who rarely take public transport despite living in outer London and who have to ask my DDs to talk them through buying a tube ticket if they are planning a group trip in daylight hours into the centre of town.

Original poster
brassick · 07/01/2011 13:48

I guess we all have to realise that most parents are the best judges of their own children's abilities, and therefore leave people to it more...

(and with that sentence I put an end to most of the discussions on MN! Wink)

OP posts:
maktaitai · 07/01/2011 13:50

These are both awful and kind of reassuring, in that you obviously hope that people will pick up the pieces should something go wrong (as we obviously would for their kids).

Again, all you can do is talk to the parents openly about it (not perhaps at the time as it's bound to come out judgemental).

FabbyChic · 07/01/2011 13:53

I dont think it is about independance more about safety for the child.

Providing they are not walking/travelling in the dark letting them go alone is dandy