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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that other parents constantly thwart my efforts to give my dds independence

45 replies

brassick · 07/01/2011 13:20

Dds are (almost) 14 and 11.

I am keen that they learn independence, and have the confidence and nous to do things for themselves.

So when dd2 asked me today if she could go to a local town to meet some friends (they have a snow day & I have a study day), I said she could, and told her to find out how to get there on a bus. I am studying, and don't have the time to take her, and don't see any harm in her taking the 2 buses that would be necessary.

We looked up the bus times on the internet, worked out which stand she needed to go to at the bus station and she was quite happy with that.

Then one of her friends phones and says that her dad is going to take them. Obviously that's great, and dd jumped at the offer.

However, that now makes me feel like I should offer to pick them up. But I don't want to, and don't see any need to.

This happens quite often - dd1 has a friend who lives round the corner (admittedly up a hill, but really not far). I never offer to take her there, unless I am going past on my way somewhere else. I also never pick her up from there, again unless some sort of exceptional circumstances.

However, her friend's mum often gives dd a lift home, or comes to pick up her dd from here. Which I feel makes me look like an uncaring mother...

My default position is that if they can get somewhere under their own steam, then they should. We live on a main road, on the edge of a city, with buses going past our house every 5 minutes, and within walking distance of the city centre and their friends' houses.

AIBU to want to make my children independent and not feel like I am being neglectful?

OP posts:

tyzer2001 · 07/01/2011 13:55

This happened to me too. I sent DD to a secondary school about 7 miles from our home as the local schools have appalling results. When my neighbour heard about my decision she decided her DD would go there too. Before making this decision I had looked into transport as I knew I wouldn't want to drive DD there and back every day and that as I work away a lot I wouldn't be able to anyway (SP family, DS is 20 so looks after DD whilst I am away, but doesn't drive).

It was decided that DD would go on the school bus, but after a couple of weeks she wasn't happy as the behaviour on the bus was dreadful and she felt vulnerable, so we switched the the public bus instead. This meant that she had to get two buses, but she got the first one into town with DS (on his way to work) and then the second one dropped her at the school gates. She was perfectly happy with this and it was actually far cheaper than the school bus (go figure).

Neighbour comes to door and tells me her DD is scared to go on the school bus on her own now (quite accusingly as though it was my fault all along that her DD was in this school lol) and that as she was 'too young' (same age as DD, obv) for public transport she(neighbour) would have to drive her. And apparently 'it makes sense for me to take your DD too, so I'll drive them and you can pick them up each day'.

I'm afraid I made my position very clear - so clear in fact that we no longer speak and eventually she put her DD into the local awful school rather than do the school run!

piprabbit · 07/01/2011 13:59

I've been thinking about everyone's comments, especially maktaitai and realise that if my DD (when she is older) were to get into a tricky situation unbeknownst to me, then I would be very grateful to a parent who took the time to offer help. I would hate for my DD to be struggling along having had a problem (tripped and fallen, twisted ankle, had an unnerving encounter with a stranger etc. etc.) only for another parent to whizz past because I'd phoned up to say they weren't to offer.

Maybe we should teach our children how to decline an offer of help gracefully, if they are really happy to continue walking/travelling etc. and how to politely accept an offer of help if it is needed.

diddl · 07/01/2011 14:00

I don´t think that you need to pick them up.

Likewise though, I don´t think that going in the car instead of by bus sometimes will mean she won´t become independent.

Although if it´s a snow day, why are they taking the car out/looking to use buses?

maktaitai · 07/01/2011 14:02

FabbyChic, I disagree, or at least I disagree that independence and safety are separate things. I can't guarantee my child's safety in any circumstances, though clearly me being with him is the safest situation. Promoting independence is about ensuring that he can keep himself as safe as possible - so that he can learn to use his own judgement in situations when I'm not around to do it for him.

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/01/2011 14:03

I know exactly what you mean OP. I let my DS1 (10) do some things that some other parents don't let their DSs do, because I also have a strong belief in him developing independence, and because he gets enjoyment out of me trusting him in that way. I'm pretty sure other parents don't judge, but if they don't do the same things, I occasionally doubt myself.

But it does boil down to you knowing your own child and your own motives

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/01/2011 14:06

maktai/Fabby. - I think it's about doing a risks vs benifits analysis

Ephiny · 07/01/2011 14:08

I don't think you should feel you have to pick them up. If the other dad wants to drive them there then that's fine, but you have no obligation to do the same. It's not as though you'd asked him to give your dd the lift.

BendyBob · 07/01/2011 14:09

Yanbu to encourage independance. That's great I do that too.

But yabu to complain that other parents aren't making the same calls that you wish to. Not everyone takes the same road to the same end and children can cope with different situations depending on maturity and confidence at that age. Parents must make their own decisions accordingly without feeling pressured or criticised.

Original poster

brassick · 07/01/2011 14:10

It is a snow day where their school is (on top of a hill in a more rural location). We have no snow at all here...which is actually annoying, but that's another moan...

OP posts:

TryingtoQuit · 07/01/2011 14:12

YANBU considering the age for your DC. I would only and do worry about mine when their travelling home late or in the dark, which at this time of year means 4pm onwards. We don't drive so if it is dark, I usually walk/bus with them and then pick them up after. But that's because we live in quite a rough/dogdy area. Stick to your guns.

admylin · 07/01/2011 14:17

I don't think offering to take the dc into town has to do with being over protective. As long as you know the dc actually know how to get from A to B alone, why not get a lift in comfort and save time. If I had the choice I'd rather have a lift than stand at a bus stop too!

Dd has a friend who always uses the bus as she lives in a different part of town to school but in winter when it was pouring down amd dark I gave her a lift home rather than let her go out and stand at the bus stop after visiting.

jellybeans · 08/01/2011 10:57

I do know several parents who admit they give lifts as they cannot face their DC walking anywhere on their own or even with a friend so it does happen. Also, kids often want to be independant and quite enjoy getting the bus with friends and it can be embarassing when parents give lifts (more for the 13-14 year olds)especially in the day time.

ModreB · 08/01/2011 11:06

YANBU. My 11 yo DS3 asked to go to the cinema with friends last week, I said yes, as long as he was able to get the bus as I didn't have the time to take them. (Neither friends mums drive)

They had a great time, working out where to get the bus, where to get off, where to get back on again afterwards. It does teach them independence, and self confidence, which is never a bad thing IMO. With a mobile you are never really out of touch anyway.

mutznutz · 08/01/2011 11:10

I don't really see the other parents as 'thwarting' your efforts to be honest. If they're choosing to give their daughter a lift, wouldn't it be rude of them not to offer your daughter a lift too?

Greenkit · 08/01/2011 11:14

God this drives me mad, DD is more than happy to walk to her mates houses, but they always drop her home.

I refuse, because 1) DD is HAPPY to walk and 2) I dont want to pick her up and drop her off all the time. I am NOT a bloody taxi.

One of DD's friends is completely spoilt and one is just too damm lazy.

My DD is 14

jellybeans · 08/01/2011 11:14

I agree with occasional lifts but DDs friend was offereing to take the to school daily to 'save them getting the bus' (this parent is VERY VERY overprotective). It got awkward as when they fell out, which was very often, the friend would say 'youre not having a lift' and hold it over her, it was awkward since we are friends with the parent too. Also, I felt it stopped DD getting the bus and being independant, i had never planned on giving lifts and would be unable to anyway, I wanted DD to make her own way so although they may think they are being helpful, in a way they aren't.

Earthymama · 08/01/2011 11:16

I am applauding all those of you who encourage your children to walk and use public transport. Can I ask that you do a couple of journeys with your children on the bus, train or tube?
I live near a FE college and it's a nightmare as 16 year olds who have no idea of the etiquette of using public transport crowd on to the buses. They will not move more than 5 ft away from the driver so stand at the front, or in the pushchair/wheelchair bay. If you want to get on and you can see 10 empty seats at the back of the bus it is extremely frustrating when the driver sails past, waving to indicate the bus is full.
Also, they seem to think that their feet take up no space as I try to push the buggy through the narrow part of the bus.
I will say that this years intake have had beautiful manners and have responded really nicely if I ask if they can move, jump up to give the elderly residents of nearby sheltered housing a seat and smile at the little ones' rendition of The Wheels on the Bus!!

PurpleLostPrincess · 08/01/2011 11:39

DS is now 16 and has used the bus since he was about 13/14. When DD1 was about 11, he took her on the bus to show her which ones to take and where to get on etc. From then, she has used the bus regularly and often pops into town, either on her own or with friends. She is now 12 and loves her independence! I was getting the bus everywhere at her age too. If I'm around or passing wherever they are going, I'm happy to give a lift, but on the whole I agree that if they can get there themselves, they should!

Each of us know our kids better than anybody else and therefore can't judge what is best for another persons kids. Don't worry about what the other parents 'may' be thinking, you know you are doing the right thing for your kids, end of.

YANBU

JamieLeeCurtis · 08/01/2011 13:40

I live in London so public transport is no mystery anyway

gorionine · 08/01/2011 13:52

We had your situation in reverse here brassic and I had to say no when friend invited Dd1 (11) to the cinema and they were to make their own way there on the bus. Dd's friend has an eldest sisted and has already been to town several time with sister first and on her own after a few times so more than fine for her to do so but DD has not and there was no way that I would let her go at 4pm (dark) and be back at 7pm (night) on her own or with a friend of the same age for the first time. she does already take a bus on her own to go to school and yes , gradually, she will get to be more independent but not all children are ready for the same thing at the same time.

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