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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Or is she?? Or are we both???

75 replies

clairefromsteps · 06/01/2011 19:31

I'm pregnant and my DH announced our news on Facebook in his status update. The wife of a friend of ours (who is about to start their first cycle of IVF - they have some serious fertility problems) has taken offence at this and is refusing to see us as it would be too difficult for her to be around someone who was pregnant.

Were we being incredibly insensitive? Or is she being a bit precious? Or is it both? It rankles that she can't find it in herself to be happy for us, if I'm honest, after all there's every chance she'll get pregnant in the near future. I'd really appreciate some responses from the MN jury. I don't know a huge amount about IVF, but I do know she is on suppressants and a bucket load of other hormones.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 06/01/2011 19:33

Ummmmm
how pregnant are you? I wouldn't announce it on facebook until at least 20 weeks to be honest. Please don't say 5 weeks.....

YANBU, she's being a bit precious, but hey, she's going through some stuff. She's not much of a friend if she ca't at least hide her upset.

BuzzLightBeer · 06/01/2011 19:34

Neither of you are. You are fine to announce you are pregnant and she is fine to decide that it is too hard for her to be around you. Thats not the same as her taking offence.

You got lucky, how about a bit of compassion for someone less so.

Silver1 · 06/01/2011 19:35

I think she is being unreasonable- you are entitled to share your joy, and the world wont stop getting pregnant just because she is struggling. If she wants to hide away I suppose at least then you wont have to put up with her being bitter for you.

So says Silver1 who can not conceive and so isn't just talking out of her bottom.

Congratulations Grin

Vallhala · 06/01/2011 19:37

Whilst i think that FB is not the way to announce any news of importance I also think that you can't go around worrying how others will react to every situation and that it's churlish to behave as your friend's wife has. YANBU.

Oh, and congratulations!

Numberfour · 06/01/2011 19:37

I would hate to be going through what she is. Be kind and gentle with her.

I don't think that ANYONE here is BU (unless you did the deed last night while ovulating and did not use "protection"! Grin)

Just be kind and gentle.................

TheMonster · 06/01/2011 19:38

At least she is being honest about how she feels, but surely she'll see pregnant women in everyday life. Basically she's saying she won't be your friend because you are having a child. I would be a bit pissed off if I were you.

BuzzLightBeer · 06/01/2011 19:39

loads of sympathy here. Hmm

TheFallenMadonna · 06/01/2011 19:40

There is a actually a fairly low chance that she will be pregnant if they are having IVF.

Silver1 · 06/01/2011 19:41

What about sympathy for the OP? Her sharing of her news is now marred by the bitterness of someone who not only isn't happy for her but chose to make her feel like poo for sharing her good news?

NewYearNewPants · 06/01/2011 19:42

Congrats.

Did she 'take offence'? Or is she just feeling very raw about her own fertility problems? I know that after I have had my miscarriages it has been unbearable to be around pregnant friends.

She could have handled it with a bit more sense/grace, but she is probably hurting. Cut her some slack, maybe?

YANBU, but imagine how you would feel is the shoe was on the other foot.

BuzzLightBeer · 06/01/2011 19:43

Yeah, shes the oe with real problems, someone else not being able to get pregnant si really hard for the op, its not like she has a baby or anything to cheer her up a bit....wait a minute.....

tinkgirl · 06/01/2011 19:43

don't be too harsh on her. I've not been through IVF but have some close friends who have and their emotions were all over the place. They did act out of character on several occasions.

I don't think that anyone is BU TBH

MsKLo · 06/01/2011 19:43

Email/write and tell her you genuinely dud not mean to hurt her

Yanbu - you are entitled to announce your pregnancy on your fb page - it may have been an idea to gave told her before you did though? may have softened the blow

TheFallenMadonna · 06/01/2011 19:43

I do have sympathy for her! I have had to tell a friend I was pregnant when I knew her IVF attempt had failed, and I had another tell me she was pregnant just after I miscarried. It's a bugger whichever way you cut it TBH.

BuzzLightBeer · 06/01/2011 19:46

The day I returned to work after having a nasty and late miscarriage someone came in to show off their new baby and plonked it in my arms. Then slagged me off to all an sundry when I gave it back to her and legged.
I should of been nicer to the bitch woman I suppose?

Silver1 · 06/01/2011 19:47

Thing is Buzz where do you draw the line.
I got a very good job made permanent and engaged in the same week.
At work no one was allowed to publicly congratulate me because a member of admin wasn't made permanent for her role and was desperate for a boyfriend (team leader thought it would be insensitive) I was even asked not to wear my ring to work.
Six months later I was diagnosed with cancer same admin person still hanging on, cried because I was getting lots of attention again.

If people can't accept good stuff and bad stuff happens to everyone and life is for riding the highs with the happy and the lows with the sad then after that experience I wash my hands of miserable people who can't see beyond themselves that life goes on (And sometimes doesn't) for other people.

Iwantscallops · 06/01/2011 19:47

Neither of you are being unreasonable, but please be sensitive with her. It is difficult enough to deal with your emotions without being pumped with drugs, etc. I'm sure she will come around eventually.

I agree with Madonna, if she has seroius fertility problems there is not every chance she will get pregnant - probably more like little chance.

Congratulations, btw.

spidookly · 06/01/2011 19:48

Neither of you are.

Except you are in expecting her to be happy for you right now.

You're the one with the happy news, she's the one staring down the barrel of a childless future, you can afford to be generous here. Understand that her pain at your good news is not personal, but that she is not able to feel happy for you right now. Cross everything for a successful outcome from their IVF and don't bear a grudge when (hopefully when) she has her own good news to share.

Eglu · 06/01/2011 19:48

I think that if you have a friend who is going through IVF then it would perhaps have been kinder to tell her the news personally rather than an announcement on facebook.

Other than that, she is taking it badly, but some people do, and they have to cope any way they can.

Silver1 · 06/01/2011 19:48

OK Buzz that was insensitive=but it isn't the same as happened to the OP. No you shouldn't have been nicer to her, but it really isn't the same.

LadyBubbaAndBump · 06/01/2011 19:49

oh it's so hard - I don't think either of you are being unreasonable as such, but she's hurting and in a lot of emotional pain, and you're elated but your DH won't have been thinking of every friend you have who might be going through TTC issues.

I really feel for you both.

BuzzLightBeer · 06/01/2011 19:51

and neither is talking about getting married (although you should have told your one to stick it up her arse)

OP has room to be generous, her friend is in the weeds. Does OP need everyone to dance with joy at her news? Leave the poor woman alone and get on with it, whats the harm to you?

PatTheHammer · 06/01/2011 19:51

ThefallenMadonna- Really? I only ask this as my Dsis has just concieved throuh her first cycle of IVF and the clinic she is using have a 60% success rate for peple her age. Somewhat higher than 'natural' conception iirc and not really a 'low' chance.
So many factors affect your chance of IVF, this woman could be like my sister, produces own eggs but has blocked fallopian tubes, everything else in working order. imo its pointless speculating about her chances as we don't know any details about this woman.

OP, I think she is being unreasonable, speaking from my Dsis POV, who has been through 5 years of TTC she never once greeted the news that I or any of her friends were pregnant with anything but joy. Its unfair I think to project your problems onto other people and yes it may have upset her but what right has she to make you and your DH feel bad about what for you is really great news.

spidookly · 06/01/2011 19:52

Also, if you two are close you shouldn't have let her find out through facebook. A phone call would have been nice, and would have acknowledged the sensitivity of the issue.

diddl · 06/01/2011 19:52

I wouldn´t make such an announcement on FB as I think it´s really crass.

"It rankles that she can't find it in herself to be happy for us, if I'm honest, after all there's every chance she'll get pregnant in the near future."

Maybe she is happy for you-but doesn´t want to have it thrown in her face by seeing you.

And if you really think that IVF means there´s every chance that she will soon be pregnant then I think that you are very insensitive tbh.