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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Or is she?? Or are we both???

75 replies

clairefromsteps · 06/01/2011 19:31

I'm pregnant and my DH announced our news on Facebook in his status update. The wife of a friend of ours (who is about to start their first cycle of IVF - they have some serious fertility problems) has taken offence at this and is refusing to see us as it would be too difficult for her to be around someone who was pregnant.

Were we being incredibly insensitive? Or is she being a bit precious? Or is it both? It rankles that she can't find it in herself to be happy for us, if I'm honest, after all there's every chance she'll get pregnant in the near future. I'd really appreciate some responses from the MN jury. I don't know a huge amount about IVF, but I do know she is on suppressants and a bucket load of other hormones.

OP posts:

jellybeans · 06/01/2011 19:53

congrats
YANBU to post your news BUT YABU not being empathetic to her situation...

' It rankles that she can't find it in herself to be happy for us'

In all seriousness unless you have been through infertility then you can only guess how horrid it could be and the sheer isolation, hopelessness etc which you may feel.

I have never been through it and am very grateful for that but have been through 2 stillbirths and 2 miscarriages and being given a 50%+ risk of any further pregnancies resulting in losses any time up until birth.

After losing my girls late in pregnancy, I could not bear being around anyone pregnant and reading updates etc was so painful. I did congratulate close friends who had a DD the same time my DD would have been due had she not been too prem and I cooed over the baby etc but then went home and cried. I couldn't buy a card. How could I, everything was just a reminder to what I had lost, the unfairness etc etc. I cannot describe the pain and difficult feelings, there are no words.

Going through that and having friends who went through IVF has opened my eyes to how horrid it must be. Of course it varies for everyone and some people may be perfectly able to cope with others pregnancies but you cannot assume it.

It wasn't until I went on to have another baby that i could face pregnant women without it being very painful. Now i am almost normal although I wonder how others can be so confident they will have no problems/have a baby at the end etc as I have never had that since i lost my 1st.

I would forgive her for feelings that she cannot help or even express you appreciate it may be difficult for her. I did that when i was pregnant and friends had miscarried. i only mentioned it when they asked etc etc. It can feel like you are rubbing their face in it when they are deep in grief.

ragged · 06/01/2011 19:53

A little yabu, IVF is a huge emotional rollercoaster, give her space to get thru it.

If she ends up infertile and still can't deal with you having children for years to come, then she would clearly BU, but for now, let her ride out that rollercoaster best she can.

Silver1 · 06/01/2011 19:55

It wasn't the talk of getting married it is people that cannot see beyond themselves to accept others can and should be happy- it's not like the op handed her scan photos and asked her to be a birthing partner, she just shared her news like we should all be allowed to do.

Iwantscallops · 06/01/2011 19:55

Pat, when I was on the IVF waiting list it was a 20 something% chance. Congratulations for your Dsis!

BigHairyGruffalo · 06/01/2011 19:56

It depends how good a friend she is. If she is close then would it really have been too much trouble to tell her before announcing it on facebook? She must be in a very difficult place at the moment.

Congratulations by the way!

diddl · 06/01/2011 19:56

I also agree that you cannot be good friends otherwise you would have told her personally.

LadyBubbaAndBump · 06/01/2011 19:57

I think the wording "the wife of a friend of ours" makes it clear she's not a good friend.

PatTheHammer · 06/01/2011 19:58

I think some posts on here make it look like you aimed the message to her on FB, it wasn't. Your DH posted it as it was 'his' news and like it or not its how many people keep up to date with each other now. She just happened to read it, is this correct?

I don't think everyone should have think about posting happy news on FB in case somebody might see it and it may upset them because of something bad happening to them. Its just far too complicated.

Yes, if she is a good friend maybe you should have let her know quietly beforehand so you could have dealt with her response sensitively.

BuzzLightBeer · 06/01/2011 19:59

She is allowed to share her news, and the other one is allowed to respond. Should we all be happy for pther peoples good news? Of course we should but sometimes you just can't do it.

And by the way thats exactly what the women who practically threw a baby at me said (god you're selfish, can't you be happy for someone else? Not you love, you don't deserve it cos you're a total cow was my thoughts)

diddl · 06/01/2011 20:00

It does sound as if she isn´t a good friend-and yet OPknows that she is having/about to have IVF.

PatTheHammer · 06/01/2011 20:00

Scallops- I know, I can't believe she has been successful first go!! She did egg-sharing too so hopefully gave a few others the chance to be parents.

LadyBubbaAndBump · 06/01/2011 20:01

Buzz, sorry for your loss. I do think your situation was totally different and your work colleague was an insensitive bitch.

jellybeans · 06/01/2011 20:02

'it is people that cannot see beyond themselves to accept others can and should be happy'

It's not that easy though when you are in deep grief. Looking back you may realise you were irrational or even bitter but you cannot help it at the time. I find it hard to condemn anyone as selfish when they have either had a baby who died/miscarried or face a future of childlessness. Some people may cope well, others put on a brave face but others just cannot face it at all or face it badly, not because they are selfish but because it is too painful.

PatTheHammer · 06/01/2011 20:02

Buzz- I second that, your situation sounded terrible and I'm sorry for your loss x

KnackeredCow · 06/01/2011 20:05

Go easy on her. What she is showing is displaced anger because she is feeling so sad with her own situation.

I have been TTC for 16 months without success and I am now undergoing investigations for infertility. I feel so very low, and although I always try to greet news of a pregnancy with joy as PattheHammer says her Dsis does, I go home and sob for hours. You don't know what necessarily goes on behind closed doors. I personally only let it show to my DH, but I find every announcement devastating. I also feel extremely isolated that it is not appropriate to show my own disappointment in any way, and that is very painful. You should be allowed to share your joy, and she should be allowed to express her own sadness.

I don't know how old your friend is, but the chance of IVF failing increases as you get older as does the chance that you will remain childless. I read that 15% of women who start to TTC when they are 30 - 35 remain childless. 30% who start at 35 - 40 and 60% who start at 40 - 45.

IVF only has an overall success rate of about 30%. So I agree with what others say, she does not have every chance of having her own child.

You are not being unreasonable in wanting to share your news. Congratulations. But I take my hat off to her that she is at least close enough to you to be honest.

If you want to know a little more about how us ladies feel who are TTC unsuccessfully then perhaps peruse the Conception threads?

DilysPrice · 06/01/2011 20:05

Bit of both.

I don't see why you shouldn't announce it on FB - having been on both sides of this one I think it's much easier to find out through these anonymous channels where you can have a chance to cry and swear on your own, rather than have it told in person and have to make appropriate noises (perhaps unless she's a really close friend or a sister, who can cry and swear at you, and wouldn't feel pressure to say "no, really, I'm so pleased for you, what smashing news").
People who say "she should have told me in person" always baffle me, because IMO it's the fact that hurts so much, not the way you learn about it.

But it's too much to expect her to be pleased for you, and if she wants to stay away from you then I think that's fair enough.

BuzzLightBeer · 06/01/2011 20:05

thanks, t'was a long time ago. I just think if I was OP I'd feel sorry for the other one, I wouldn't be complaining about her. Leave her alone to work through it on her own, its no harm to Op, she can be charitable in her situation.

jellybeans · 06/01/2011 20:05

Buzz that was bloody awful what a bitch. A 'friend' of mine rang me a few days after I lost my DD at 6 months pg, i thought to say she was sorry but she rang to tell me her happy news that she was pregnant. I said congratulations on her pg but never felt the same about her again for her insensitivity. She didn't say sorry to me or anything just spoke about herself. Some people are shocking.
I am very sorry for your loss as well :(

MainlyMaynie · 06/01/2011 20:08

YANBU unreasonable for posting on facebook, YABVU with your insensitive reaction to her sadness over her own infertility. And deeply ignorant about IVF. If someone had said I had no right to be upset about my fertility problems because I'd probably be pregnant soon I wouldn't have wanted to see them either.

jellybeans · 06/01/2011 20:08

'You should be allowed to share your joy, and she should be allowed to express her own sadness.'

Totally agree and great point KnackeredCow

kickassangel · 06/01/2011 20:09

well, if she has serious infertility problems, then the 60% prob doesn't apply to her.

and loads of people who get to that stage just can't bear to be near kids/pregnant ladies.

yes, we should all be able to rise beyond our own grief & sorrow, but some things are hard to do, at least she's told you & not just avoiding you.

i think you were a little insensitive, and perhaps a personal note to her would go a long way here - after all, you're the one with the good news, which contrasts so painfully with what she is going through. and ivf drugs are a bugger - they REALLY screw you up. i've told the story on here of my friend who ended up crawling round the house, and howling like an animal in grief - all due to how emotional the drugs made her.

midori1999 · 06/01/2011 20:10

I can see why she feels this way. I haven't been in a position of sufferring infertility but I have had miscarriages and late losses. It's very hard and although you realise it's irrational you suddenly feel angry at everyone around you and feel like suddenly everyone seems to be pregnant. Not long after I lost my girls it seemed my cousin (who was due when my girls would have been roughly) was constantly posting updates about her pregancy and then her wonderful baby. I didn't begrudge her doing it, or being happy, but it did upset me and I wouldn't have wanted to see her.

YANBU to post on Facebook, but YABU to expect her to feel happy for you, especially if she isn't a close friend. You are also BU to not understand why she doesn't want to be around you.

Silver1 · 06/01/2011 20:10

Buzz I think your situation was different, and your colleague was rude and selfish.
We aren't going to agree about this though.
This person insisted on sharing her bitterness when she didn't have to.
Your colleague insisted on sharing her baby when she should have been more discreet. She was probably not thinking straight as a new excited mum and may well cringe at the memory now, or she may be equally blase and the mum everyone despises on the playground who knows. What she did was awful though.

scottishmummy · 06/01/2011 20:11

congratulations on your pg.do cut pal some slack,she probably feling v fragile mentally and physically in pain (ivf is physically demanding)

and tbh you dont know she will get pg in near future neither does she (that's what is painful)

so well done on your happy news

but do spare a thought of how crushing it is to hear that the whole world except he seems to get pg

PatTheHammer · 06/01/2011 20:13

Knackered- Best of luck to you, you are right about closed doors. I know for a fact the pain my sister went through in private. But she was dignified enough neer to say anything to her emotional, hormonal friends......at least not right away!

Maynie- I think the OP was wrong to say 'every chance of being pregnant soon' too but I don't think she or her husband have said the woman can't be upset because of her fertility problems. I think she understands that. I hope!

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