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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to fall out with my friend of 24 years?

27 replies

Doigthebountyeater · 05/01/2011 14:06

She lives in New Zealand but we meet up once every two years or so and are always in touch via email etc

I recently joined facebook which I swore I'd never do and tried to befriend her. her message was very shocked and shifty but she allowed me access to her page. it turns out she is 'friends' with 2 girls who were my friends but who were very bad to me at a very bad time in my life (no family, ExP walked out and I tried to kill myself - these 'friends' of 16 years totally dropped me and rejected me, I think because I was depressing to be around. I had absolutely no one else in my life and could not think of a single reason to keep living) My friend knows they let me down (She was in NZ at the time) and knows I still have nightmares about what happened at that time in my life.

I was devastated when I saw she was friends with them. her attitude was basically 'don't tell me whom I can be friends with.' true - but do I want a friend who is so shallow and disloyal? Am considering just dropping her.

Sorry for punctuation, I'm typing fast before the baby wakes.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 05/01/2011 14:13

I think you are being silly. It is understandable but silly none the less.

Of couese you feel bitter about these two friends but in truth you don't know why they dropped you. I had some friends who ran for the hills when I was really struggling. It would be easy to judge them for that but actually I think some people just can't be around depression etc. I think they are out of their depth and just can't deal with it. They may also have reasons. I watched my dad with a suicidal period and being around anyone who is deposed makes me feel like that scared child again.

You friend should be allowed to be friends with whom she chooses. It is understandable for you to struggle with these two but she is not diminishing you. On the contrary she clearly tried to shield you from them.

If her friendship means little to you then ditch her -the facebook thing will ve hard to manage. But if you care about her you have to respect that she sees these two people in a different light to you. That should be her right.

Original poster
Doigthebountyeater · 05/01/2011 14:16

Thanks. My reactionas are often not normal (I was abused as a child) and I really do not know the proper way to react to situations. I have to ask people as I don't know how normal people think Sad

OP posts:
MorticiaAddams · 05/01/2011 14:16

Very gently, as you are obviously hurt, but I do think YABU.

I don't see why she is shallow, perhaps maybe disloyal for not telling you but from your reaction I can understand it. It's quite clearly not something she is comfortable with but felt she had to hide from you.

I do also think it's a bit "playground" to say she can't be friends with you if she is friends with them which is what you are saying in basic terms.

KERALA1 · 05/01/2011 14:17

Agree with everything Pagwatch says sorry OP.

singingcat · 05/01/2011 14:17

Friends on facebook is not the same as friends in real life.

I barely know about half of my FB friends and feel bad rejecting friend requests because they know you have rejected them IYSWIM

Original poster
Doigthebountyeater · 05/01/2011 14:18

Yes I know I sound immature. It's just that if you care about someone as a friend surely you would not like people who have badly hurt that friend? I just don't get how she can claim to 'love' me as a friend then also like these other two also.

OP posts:
justaboutmaintainingorder · 05/01/2011 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pagwatch · 05/01/2011 14:18

Doig,
I was abused too and fwiw I think your instinctive reaction is very human, very understandable.
But looking at it calmly you need to let it go and keep this friend.
Smile

Original poster
Doigthebountyeater · 05/01/2011 14:19

I have left facebook again btw. It did me no good.

OP posts:
Blu · 05/01/2011 14:20

Goodness.

It would have been better if your friend had said to you 'see you on FB, but just to let you know in advance, you will see X and Y on there too'.

FB itself is pretty shallow, just because these people listed amongst her FB friends doesn't mean she is either particularly close to them, or that she is disloyal to you. She lives miles fom home, she probably wants different ways to keep in touch with differnt people and news. She has been e mailing you and making sure you meet up - she's a real friend! You are being very demanding of her if you make a fuss about this! Don't lose her, as well as the ones who really let you down!

pagwatch · 05/01/2011 14:20

Facebook is the very devil.

Itsapuppet · 05/01/2011 14:24

FB the work of the devil, please remove yourself from her friends list.

The main question you should be asking yourself is, is she a positive influence in your life. If she is then I would advise you to keep in contact with her and try and forget who she?s otherwise friends with, however if she is not then I guess I have your answer. Sorry.

Sorry to read about your past troubles, friends can be very mean at time however sometimes it?s not intentional it is because they just don?t know what to do.

MorticiaAddams · 05/01/2011 14:24

Facebook is fine if you can take it on a superficial level but it really does sound as though you have done the best thing by stepping away.

I hope you don't lose your friendship over this, it sounds as though she has been a good friend over the years.

RealityIsShaggingWithIntent · 05/01/2011 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuzzLightBeer · 05/01/2011 14:26

Facebook is what you make of it. people who call it evil and shallow are as daft as people who take it too seriously. Its a tool like any other and theres really no need for all the angst about it.

This problem has nothing to do with FB anyway.

wayoftheworld · 05/01/2011 14:36

I think you should carry on being friend with your friend, but if you do find facebook info gets to you feel free to delete you account and go back to keeping in touch by email. This is one of those moments in life where we are chllenged to leave behind girly behaviour and gind up teeth and be more like responsable mothers..

Here is another way of looking at it: if it was your doughter who was telling you this what would you say to her?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 05/01/2011 15:15

YABslightlyU

Everyone wants to be friends with everyone on FB, it's all a bit pathetic IMO as there seems to be a competition as to who has the most friends. I've had some requests from people I haven't spoken to in 15 years, er no thanks! I'm very selective and quite happily decline people's invites so that's it's just for people I really want to know about, but can understand that others may feel that this is slightly offensive.

cumbria81 · 05/01/2011 15:18

bloody hell - you are being completely ridiculous.

wolfhound · 05/01/2011 15:36

I have a friend who is a bit like you, OP. She is very bitter that I have stayed (loosely) friends with the girl who dated her ex-boyfriend after her. I feel that I got to know the two of them separately, have different relationships with them, and (crucially) refuse to talk to each of them about the other, so it is not her business. She (my bitter friend) also had a very difficult childhood, so your mention of abuse gives me a bit of an insight into her - I think she does have trust issues. I think to most people the world is not as black and white as it is to you and my friend, and your friend's feelings for you are absolutely deep & genuine, and you need not doubt them. Whatever loose contact she has with these other girls is unrelated to you, and has to do with her and them. It's simply not about you. Your friendship is built on everything between you over the years, and nothing else interferes with that. That's the wonderful thing about friendships, unlike (simultaneous) romantic relationships, they don't detract from each other. Hope you manage to talk yourself out of how you feel.

Sazisi · 05/01/2011 15:43

She's right though, you just can't tell people who they can be friends with. You could end up with no friends if you carry on like that.
A unreserved apology from you is required I think OP.

I am really sorry you've suffered so much, and I hope life is much better for you now.

InspirationalBreadbin · 05/01/2011 16:28

Friends on Facebook means absolutely nothing in terms of freindship. Most people have loads of 'friends' who are actually just acquaintances or friends of friends, or people they met once at a party, or old school frends. I certainly have 'friends' that I haven't spoken to in years.

katiestar · 05/01/2011 16:38

As others have said a FB friend isn't like a real friend.but even if it were you can't expect your friend to dislike people because you do!!!

GabbyLoggon · 05/01/2011 16:39

both say sorry in unison

monkeyflippers · 05/01/2011 16:55

Agree with everyone who said that facebook friends are really just acquaintances mostly.

I do though feel your pain. I had a friend who treated me very badly and can imagine being in your situation. Not sure what you should do about it though. I suppose the best thing would be to talk to your friend and say that you understand you can't tell her who to be friends with but that it upset you. Hopefully she will say that's she is sorry it upset you and be all understanding (don't expect her to dump the other friends though). If she says "tough, get over it" then you know what sort of friend she is and it would be best to dump her.

SkyBluePearl · 05/01/2011 20:04

you want her to choose between you and them? that would be a bit immature really. More often people on face books are just aquaitances from long back and not close 'friends' as such. Please dont think it means anything.