In thinking MIL should butt out if she doesn't want to help out

[bubbleandsqueaks]

My dh and I work hours around each other as we would struggle to afford childcare and we have no family that would be willing to help out.

DH works 7-3 Mon - Sat and I work 3.30 - 7.30 Mon - Fri. It's not ideal but it pays the bills, helps us keep the roof over out heads.

DD1 is due to start nursery next month. MIL thinks that I should quit work, or change hours to so school hours, as when my dc started full time school they would never see me. I pointed out that we cannot afford for me to quit work and in the holidays one of us needs to be home to look after them, not to mention the days they are ill or training days etc.

She left me feeling like I will lose my daughters when they start full time school. DD2 is only 7 weeks so I might be over sensitive atm but do you think working 3.30 - 7.30pm when both dc are in school is unreasonable?

I am really worried about this now. I will be there to pick them up from school but then I will be handing them over to dh and going to work, when I come home it will be time for them to go bed.

Am I going to lose my relationship with them?

I don't think you will lose your relationship with them. You are their mum and they will love you always. You will see them in the mornings and at weekends and as they get older their bedtimes will be later, so this is just a brief little period of time.

Your children will be with their dad and they will be fine. What you are doing is as important for their welfare as physically being with them - you are helping to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table.

Unless your MIL is willing to physically help you then agree that she should stay out of it.

Everything will be fine - don't worry

Your husband is there though from 3 isn't he? I think that as long as you spend some quality time with them at the weekends that this won't matter. My husband is in the armed forces and we chose to buy a house near all my family so I could still work and eventually be able to keep my son in the same schools etc etc. He is in Afghan at the moment but when he is in UK he comes home nearly every weekend but is not there during the week. This hasn't affected my sons relationship with him at all. My son also doesn't see me three nights during the week when I am work and stays with his Nan. We have to pay the mortgage and I feel a roof over our heads is far better than my son seeing me all day every day if you get what I mean. He knows who is dad is and has a strong bond with him. I do make point of showing him videos and photo's. My son is a very happy , confident little boy. My husband has also recorded himself reading books that can be played at bedtime. Maybe you could do this with various books. My sister was also in the same situation as you and it hasn't done her daughter any harm. She is a bright, charming and respectful teenager (I KNOW!!!) who has a great realtionship with both her parents.

I am quite worried about the homework side of things. Dh will be tired from doing a full day(his job is physical) and then coming home to look after the dc without chance for a rest so not sure how much attention he will pay to it.

she's probably simply voicing her concerns for you and the children. She's from another generation where only a mother's attention would do and probably the necessity to work was less.
your dh will have to keep his energy up until after homework and dinner is finished or until you can find another solution

I used to work a 2pm-10pm shift at a lightbulb factory,ds1 had just started school and I only really saw him for an hour or so in the morning and at the weekend,for us it didnt work out and something had to give....later I worked similar hours in a hotel but because of the jobs flexibility often the dc would come in and see me and they had free run of the place.

It may or may not work for you,only time will tell.

I used to find it exhausting always having to be 2 steps ahead with laundry housework and meals.

Well, don't worry about the homework. Homework only really matters to children when they hit senior school, it is utterly pointless before then anyway. As long as your DH can read with them every night that chouldn't be a problem, you could do the homework with them at weekends.

You will not miss out on your daughters, don't feel sad about it. You are both to be admired for both juggling work like this in a way which suits you. Do not doubt yourself.

You have a marvellous job really in terms of the school holidays, you will be able to spend all day (or as near as dammit) with your children for 13 weeks of the year once they start school. Plus you are avoiding using expensive childcare which is a huge plus.

And, it doesn't have to be forver. You can give it a go for a period of time and if you hate it, well you will then be able to look for another job, perhaps with childcare to help. But good on you for giving it a go, and don't flagellate yourself.

(I say this as someone who worked when dd was a baby, got in at about 5.30, DD has always had a late dinner and bedtime (dinner at 6.30 - 7.00, bed at half 8) from a younf age in order for us to spend time together

DH does his fair share of cooking, washing, housework etc.

I will be home when they are both at school though so will be able to keep on top of things house wise.

Look, she might have a point, I suppose, if you really aren't seeing much of them but to be honest I wouldn't worry about it NOW. Loads can change in that time and to be honest, if it is a problem when the time comes, there might be something you can tweak or do differently. It might just be a change of routine or something but honestly there are still weekends and holidays and like I say, loads might change between now and then.

Just focus on the now, and if something isn't working in the future, worry about it then, but dont be all full of doom and gloom now, its not worth it. Focus on what's happening at the moment if you can.

I'm always dilemma-ing about whether or not I'd like to work one day when they are at school or not and whether I should study or not etc etc but right now, its not right, one day it might be, I'm just reminding myself to chill and get this year out the way!

Honey most children only have one parent caring for them during the hours you and your partner work.

You are doing a great job supporting yourselves and taking care of your children.

Do what suits you.

So long as a parent is available does it matter which parent it is?

I am on maternity leave atm but when I was at work dd went to bed at 8, so I would get home just afte 7.30 (I work 5mins from home) and she would have her milk sat on my lap, and then I'd do bedtime.

Not sure if she will be able to go to bed that late when she is at nursery though, which would be a big blow

Don't most children do their own homework? Isn't that the point?

Bubble - dd went to bed late and she was at a childmnder all day, she was fine (and the bonus was she never got me up at 6am or something silly ).

It's swings and roundabouts but if you are happy with the way things work for you now then you should at least try and keep your same working hours and see how you go.

School holidays are about 13 weeks which is a quarter of a year plus weekends and mornings, I don't think hour for hour you are going to miss out on time with them it's just that time will be structured differently to most working parents.

It's not something you need to make a decision on right now considering the age of your children and your mil should butt out. Tell her that you have taken what she has said into consideration but on balance are happy with your decision.

YANBU She should butt out.

Agree YANBU. It doesn't sound like she'd saying anything constructive, so it would be better if she said nothing. While it sounds like it's probably from a genuine concern, rather than trying to be mean, it's thoughtless and I think inaccurate to say this - and also pointless, as you're way off having two school age children at the moment.

If, when the time comes you find you're not seeing as much of your children as you want, then you may find that job opportunities look different and better at that stage - definitely not something to worry about now. Enjoy your new baby and put this issue on the shelf for a few years!

I think it's probably a gender thing too. I bet she'd not be saying it if you were the father and not the mother - were both she and her DH around constantly and simultaneously when your DH was school-age? I bet not. I'd guess it stems largely from her assumptions about the role of a mother and the role of a father, rather than about the role of parents. My mother-in-law constantly refers to "Tubby's baby" rather than "Tubby and Mr Tubby's baby", which I find annoying - she just sees it as my role/thing. (Hmm. Unless she secretly doubts paternity )

People do what they need to do to get by and it's for you and your DH to figure out what's best for you and your family. In an ideal world, we could all clone ourselves so that we could have well-paid, rewarding careers and be there all the time for our DC. Back on planet earth, we muddle through.

You will miss out on certain things - that's true for every approach - but focus on the positives. You'll be around in the day to keep on top of the house, meaning that everyone is less stressed and life runs more smoothly.

You'll be with them in the morning and pick them up after school - both important times in a child's day.

You'll be around in the holidays to do all the fun stuff.

They'll spend lots of time with their father and will benefit from him being an active parent (cooking dinner, bathtime, reading to them, helping with homework, etc.).

They'll observe a model in which there's a sense of equality between the parents - both work and both spend significant time doing parenting / household tasks.

Sounds pretty good to me. There will be downsides - there always are - but your MIL is focusing on these to exclusion of everything else. You sound as though you're both really hardworking and determined to make it work. I think your DC will thrive under such a plan.

YANBU - i have that with FIL and StepMIL - they think i should quit work when DS goes to school - or get a job in a school (even though i am not degree educated and secretary/LA jobs are like gold dust!).

We are going to worry about it when the time comes, FWIW i think you and your DH have got a fabulous arrangement - you get the LO's in the morning and DH gets them in the evening, with no childcare costs to boot! Well done

Sorry I got as far as the homework and have skipped down here to post.

DH and I do homework/reading/spelling and music practice with ds in the mornings. He's much fresher, doesn't have friends round and it's how it has always been. Works really well. It helps a lot if everything else is done the night before (clothes laid out, breakfast laid, packed lunches made, all that stuff. Obviously we only have one child but at primary school (i.e. before they start sleeping like the dead in the mornings!) it would work for a lot of people, and definitely for you, although your dh might not like being excluded from it?

Just wanted to say that as I think you have got a really practical arrangement going and there's no reason for you to be shut out from homework if you don't want to be.

Maktaitai that sounds like a great solution. I hadn't even thought about the mornings being an option.

How long do you spend each morning doing homework/reading?

Well, he's only just 7 and I am quite relaxed - call it 20 mins all in? I don't do it in one block but mix it in with other stuff (like breakfast ) It's not all that every morning either. Spellings happen about 3 x a week, music practice used to be the same but we have just upped it to a daily (very) few minutes but we'll see how long that lasts! Reading his school book happens most mornings, unless I have forgotten to change it

I know for a lot of people the mornings are just too complicated - if you are coping with a toddler, a baby and a school-ager it's not going to work presumably. But you never know - e.g. an older primary school age child can hear a reception-age child read, all that.

I know things change but I can't see way dh and I won't have to work around each other.

I do feel slightly better about my hours now though