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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told parents I dont want to see them anymore?

34 replies

hurtalot · 04/01/2011 21:08

They have really peed me of,for as long as I have known them they have never really had time for me,hence why I lived with grandparents till Grandad diesd when I was 17.

I grew up feeling unloved and unwanted by them,I said that would never be the case with my children,this christmas parents gave nothing to my kids but said when I was feeling better they would give money to us,I was ill with flu this still has not happended.

In my opinion I dont care about the money its about the thought and there was none on their part,infact I feel it was lame,and I have told them so.

They look after my dd and I recently dd has been toilet trained,but my mother cleans my sisters house so my dd has been left with my dad where she refuses to use the toilet whilst he cares for him,unfair on him I know and her.

I have expressed to mum can she not take dd for a few hours with her or go later,the fact is my mum does not want her and has expressed this to my sister ,I have found this hard to except as she has my other sisters ds all day once a week.

I lost my temper today and told them they are lame as parents and are never there for me or my kids and I want nothing to do with them anymore.

I am now in a postion tonight to find alternative childcare for my dd whilst I work,as my dd is important to me and yes its my problem but they have made me so angry as its embrassing as my dp's parents help alot which makes my parents seem uncaring aibu?.

Also my other sister has fallen out with them over another matter so I know its not me,I have tried so long to pretend my life was normal but deep down I know the truthSad.

Thank you for listening

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtalot · 04/01/2011 21:10

Sorry they only look after dd for two hours a week,and I work 18 hours a week.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 04/01/2011 21:12

Some times you just have to cut your losses, and move on.

I did with my mum and stopped speaking to her for 6 years, we are now on speaking terms and she doesn't take anything for granted. We have a much better relationship, I was able to grow up and get a back bone :) so can stand up to her if needed.

It isnt easy but sometimes its necessary

charliesmommy · 04/01/2011 21:12

The issue here seems to be about childcare for YOUR child.

If they never had any time for you, what made you think they would have time for your child?

Maybe your parents are beginning to get tired and dont have the energy to be babysitters all the time.

mutznutz · 04/01/2011 21:19

You get all that help from them with child care and you think they're lame??

Sorry but that in itself sounds bloody ungrateful. You can't compare the amount of help they give you with the amount of help your partner's parents give. The child is YOURS and your responsibility.

Original poster
hurtalot · 04/01/2011 21:19

I have only asked them for two hours a week thats all,I hardly feel thats unresonable and thought that would be good for my dd to spend some time with them and give them a chance I guess I was wrongSmile.

Tbh its more the fact that if I GC I would want to spend some time with them and help in anyway I could.

Its the wat its been done I was clearly wrong to think they dont simply care.

OP posts:
mutznutz · 04/01/2011 21:24

Has she given a reason why she doesn't want to look after her grandchild? Btw, visiting grandchildren and committing to look after them whilst you work (even if it is for 2hrs) are completely different things.

Original poster
hurtalot · 04/01/2011 21:24

I know its my dd and they agreed to help so why one rule for my children another for my sister's child.

I am more than happy to give my job up that I have no problem with,I love my kids I would do anything for my kids,its the way they have said they simply are not interested in having her and it shows thats whats hurts.

OP posts:
charliesmommy · 04/01/2011 21:27

If its only 2 hours, one day a week, why does your mother have to go cleaning during that time? I cant see how she would spend any time with your daughter then anyway.

Original poster
hurtalot · 04/01/2011 21:30

She does it because my sister pays our mum,my mum agreed she would have my dd for the two hours to help out and spend time with her,has since said she does not want to look after her now.

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Original poster
hurtalot · 04/01/2011 21:30

And why she has chose to clean instead.

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herbietea · 04/01/2011 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MorticiaAddams · 04/01/2011 21:33

Reading between the lines this is absolutely nothing to do with childcare but all about your parents rejection of you and you have every right to be hurt and confused.

Do you know whether you were a planned baby? Obviously even if you weren't, it's their fault you were born and not yours but it's just a thought.

Unfortunately, no matter how much you want them to love you and treat you the same as your sister you can't make them and forcing yourself and your dd on them seems to be making matters worse.

It sounds as though you need to cut ties with them for your own good.

Pseudocream · 04/01/2011 21:40

some mums shouldn't be mums - like yours darling - can't cope with it :)
Youy do deserve better but it's horrid when people especially your parents don't live up to your expectations.
My dad is a nightmare. Horrible man. My ds hates going there to see him and he regularly upsets me calling me fat and the best so far "look like a trollop" because i have dyed my hair red.
I just think - well he's old not like me and i caqn walk away. I take what I need out of the relationship and never take anything for granted.
Its better than cutting my losses and feeling shit about it when he's dead. I'd rather be the better parent int he relationship. xx good luck xxx

Pseudocream · 04/01/2011 21:42

oh and sorry for the bad spelling - I spend most of my day writing on computers and CBA retyping :) hope you can understand it :)

Original poster
hurtalot · 04/01/2011 21:45

Thank you Morticiaddams,Herbietea for the kind words your right its not about the cc,its about my life and grew up feeling unloved and them never being there for me.

My kids are the most important thing in my life I would die for them,I grew up saying to myself no matter what life brings I would always tell my kids I love them and be there for them.

I grew up never hearing I love you,living with friends of family,relations.
I lived with grandparents till I was 17 when my granddad passed away he was my father figure,I have now a lovely dp who is the best thing that has ever happended to me and my dc's.

I rememeber being pregnant and not being able to tell them when I was 19 the baby I was carrying died ,and being alone with knowone.

I rememeber trying to kill myself becuase my life was so shit where my mum did not believe me intill I had a fit,she went back to bed till I stopped breathing.

I could go on,what im trying to say is shit happens in life but going all through that and a lot more I thought they could change and try again with my kids I was so wrong.

OP posts:
Pseudocream · 04/01/2011 21:53

Thank god your life has turned around !! so sorry to hear about your loss as a child once yourself

you deserve a good life and now being a woman in your own right and can be assertive as you like about the people you choose to have in your life xxx

Original poster
hurtalot · 04/01/2011 21:54

Pseudocream,no problem I think your brave that you can walk away from it,and take what you can it from it as well,it must hurt you like it does me .

Thank you for taking the time to listen and respond it means alot,all the best to youSmile.

OP posts:
TandB · 04/01/2011 22:03

I think you need to separate out the two issues in your own mind - your parents involvement with your child, and your own feelings towards them. At the moment it all looks a bit tangled up and messy. It is a big jump from having them help with your childcare to walking away from the relationship altogether.

Perhaps stop the childcare arrangements and then reassess whether there is anything worth salvaging in your relationship. I had no contact with my father for many, many years and only recently re-established a very basic relationship with him as my son's grandfather. it is a difficult thing to go through, so I would suggest being very clear on the issues.

Pseudocream · 04/01/2011 22:09

no worries chicken xx

coupla questions to think on about your choices

do you have a choice re childcare?
does your kids enjoy the time they spend with them?
what fallout would there be if it happened?
how gutted (REALLY GUTTED) would you be if your mum popped her clogs? The only guilt I will ever agree on is my fathers for treating me this way. I am not a victim to his shit headedness. it really truly is his problem as is your parent problems theirs.

be the grown up xx

Pseudocream · 04/01/2011 22:10

i think im very much like the Panda up there xx

Original poster
hurtalot · 04/01/2011 22:11

Thank you Kungfupannda I have decided they wont be looking after my dd its simply not working out,and I wont force it anymore.

As for the rest I will leave it and take a step back.

Im sorry to hear about your relationship with your father, I only hope its better for son,which I think is commendendable on your part x.

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TandB · 04/01/2011 22:17

Remember there's no hurry to make a decision. Take the step back, see how you feel, think about the questions that Pseudo lists and weigh up the options. You might find that things naturally move one way or another - that was what happened with my father - he drifted away and when my grandparents (who raised me from the age of 13) stopped making an effort with him things just naturally ran their course with the relationship. You might find that their behaviour, if you are not doing all the running, gives you some strong guidance about whether the relationship is worth saving.

There is no reason why you can't maintain a very basic "paper relationship" - cards at Chirstmas etc, just so there are no gaping holes in your DCs' history if they get to an age to ask questions about this sort of thing.

theevildead2 · 04/01/2011 22:17

Normally I would say YABU to expect your parents to care for your children. But as they got off scott free having to raise you, I hardly think 2 hours a would really fucking kill them. If they can't be arsed though you shouldn't be suprised, remember they didn't even bother with their own children.

You've done the right thing.. if you kept hoping for them to act like proper parents/grandparents you will just end up more devastated.

Original poster
hurtalot · 04/01/2011 22:17

Pseudocream I may have found tonight a Childminder recommended by Dd's Godfathers mother,we are talking tomorrow am,if not a friend will help the next couple of weeks till I find out more tomorow reference dd preschool availability etc.

My kids do enjoy being there more so my Dd,there would be no fallout Mum does not want to do it.

Im closer to Dad more than my Mum if im honest.

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Original poster
hurtalot · 04/01/2011 22:19

But im angry more than anything it hits the nail on the head with what theevildead2 says thats how I feel right now.

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