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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL cutting ds's hair

64 replies

Mapley · 04/01/2011 20:41

My DS went to stay with his grandparents this weekend for the first time, he's nearly two.

My DS hasn't hadn't had his haircut until New Year's Eve, and it was quite long. I decided on New Year's Eve to tidy up the back a bit,but left the rest. His fringe was just above the eyebrows and so I left it and thought I'd do it another time.

My MIL has been saying that she wants to cut his hair for ages, so that's partly why I did it before he went to her's for the weekend, because I wanted to cut it first. She was obviously a bit put out when we arrived because I'd cut it rather than her, but that's my perogative so I just breezily ignored her disgruntlement.

When we arrived back after the weekend the first thing I noticed is that his fringe was shorter. About an inch shorter. I asked her right out if she'd cut it and she denied it and said "ofcourse I'd never cut it without your permission, you must have done it when you cut it!"

I didn't ofcourse. Now I'm not particularly bothered, and didn't push the issue as I don't want to argue with ds's grannie, but really WTF? I have spoken to DH about it though, and he says he's upset that I'm saying his mum is a liar. Am I being unreasonable continuing to insist that she is?

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FabbyChic · 04/01/2011 21:43

I left my son then 7 at his grans for the weekend, when I went back they had given him a crew cut, I was mightly fucked off it looked pathetic, no one should cut a childs hair without the parents permission.

curlymama · 04/01/2011 21:47

It is a nasty situation for him to be in, but I guess it's not that nice for you either. You are obviously a much bigger person than me! Smile You say he hasn't accused you of lying outright, but he's not being loyal to you either, and he is, by his actions, implying that you are lying.

I would, and have had to, push my DH into seeing why he has to put me before his Mum. It wasn't hard though to be fair. He just wanted an easy life and mistakenly thought that it would be easier to upset me rather than upset his Mum. He soon learnt.

Original poster
Mapley · 04/01/2011 21:49

if it happens, or anything like it hapens again i will rethink.

weird though

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babeinthewood · 04/01/2011 21:50

lol Curlymama - I have one of those men too :)

hairyfairylights · 04/01/2011 21:52

Yanbu but there are worse thing. To worry about in life op.

corriefan · 04/01/2011 21:52

I once said to my MIL that the only thing I didn't want her to was cut my children's hair and she did just that to ds when they went to stay! She'd even said "oh of course I'd never do that" but I think because it was only a trim it didn't count to her. She did look a bit sheepish though when we realised, I think she thought she'd get away with it. We just laughed about it, she likes good grooming, ie short hair on boys, she also irons everything in sight. I just let it go, my SIL was more horrified on my behalf! It does help that she's a lovely MIL I wouldn't let a small thing like that become huge.

Beamur · 04/01/2011 21:56

I would do my pieces if anyone other than me got DD's hair cut.
I think you are being very generous OP, both to your DH and your MIL and I congratulate you for that - some fights aren't worth having, but a quick vent on a forum can be most theraputic!
I think I would be wary of your MIL wanting to mother your son though. Grannies are fab, but they should respect certain boundaries.

schipo · 04/01/2011 22:01

your MIL is BU

I agree the really alarming bit is the lying

I'd be livid and to be honest I'd be resolving never to leave DS with his grandparents again but I realise that could be BU!

I always try to put myself in my MIL's shoes, imagine how I'd hope things will be if my DS has a child. I'd like to think that I'd be able to respect the mother, even if I didn't agree.

Can you make a joke out of the lying - so she knows she hasn't got away with it, without it escalating into a full scale war?

Original poster
Mapley · 04/01/2011 22:05

She totally does mother him, gets jealous when I hold him and gets annoyed when he wants to come to me. pisses me off!

I was actually hoping I'd get flamed here, told I was being PFB and told off for being fed up when I should be grateful for her help. Maybe I still will! I don't want to make a scene, like you said I am having a vent really.

grrr and aaaggh. It'll be cool. there ARE more important things to worry about. Might go and worry about them instead! ;-)

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Original poster
Mapley · 04/01/2011 22:09

schipo, good idea about joking about the lying. Maybe I'll try that.

Tis not the first time she's lied. Last year she came to visit, and apprently had such a bad back that she "couldn't wipe her own backside" and refused to walk anywhere, do anything, moaned all the time. But when my ds woke up from his nap she practically sprinted down the corridor the beat me to his room and picked him up out of his cot and carried him off. Told my DH this too. He'll get it I', sure

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sue52 · 04/01/2011 22:33

You are more foregiving than I would have been. I think you must set firmer boundaries with your MIL or there might be other breeches of trust by her. Your husband should support you more.

SarfEasticated · 04/01/2011 22:34

Just want to say what a nice person you must be Mapley for not making a huge fuss about this. You're very understandably outraged by your MIL's actions, she knows she's in the wrong too and probably embarrassed about it and (hopefully) grateful you are being decent about it.
Having another family members to love your child is a lovely thing to have for all concerned, especially when they become moody teens and GP's house is a safe place to flounce to.

Original poster
Mapley · 04/01/2011 22:43

Thank you sarf! I do try, I don't want to over react, there is a bigger picture.

but I'll keep a weather eye on her to be sure. She won't get away with any thing like that again without some honesty

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missismonky · 04/01/2011 22:53

Yes, Mapley is properly lovely! I appreciate the faith she has in her DH, he'll figure it all out in his own time. That's probably exactly the right thing to do, the truth will out.

God, I wish I was as nice. Lucky I married an orphan really.

Original poster
Mapley · 04/01/2011 22:59

aw Blush i properly expected flaming!

i might slink off in embaressment and kick some kittens or something.... :-)

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monkeyflippers · 04/01/2011 23:06

Don't blame you for being annoyed, She didn't have the right to cut his hair but like you say you can see the bigger picture (would still piss me off though). The lying is so annoying though, why would someone bother lying about that it's stupid. She also shouldn't be saying that your son hasn't missed you etc. Next time she does that you should say "of course he has look how excited he is to see me" whilst looking at her like she's an idiot.

My MIL has lied to me before to get my DH to do something she wanted him to do (pretended she had an appointment so my DH would run some errands for her), really pissed me off but at the time I was so flabergasted and confused about it that I didn't say anything and then as time goes on you can't really bring it up can you!

I think it is hard for DHs when they are caught between their mum and their DW. My MIL also said some really nasty things to me once (she's usually very nice but was really angry at the time) and my DH said that he COULDN'T possibly believe me as that would mean the end of his relationship with his mum, So I had to let it go.

twinklingfairy · 04/01/2011 23:08
Shock I would be Livid!! My DS is sporting 'hippy hair' (my term Smile) my mum has been on at me since he was tiny to get it cut. In fairness, she gave up after about a year and a half, when she realised that I was not going to be brow beaten by this one. But if she were Ever to have taken a set of scissors I would have let Rip! Same would go for MIL. But with MIL I might temper my outrage, but she would know if it none the less.

I could not keep my tongue on this one, not sure you should IMO. But that is just my opinion.
If she has lied about a few things, perhaps you ought o show her you are strong and not to be messed with or she may walk over you for years to come?

My tongue would be bitten through by now if I had to bite it so much.

Not trying to tell you you are doing the wrong thing, just could not do it myself.
I think, because my mum went on about DSs hair for so long, I am a little precious about it.
And it is not a PFB with me, he is my 2#. Only boy thoughHmm

katiestar · 04/01/2011 23:08

Just let it go.in a month or so it'll be just as long again.It's really not worth upsetting your DH over

twinklingfairy · 04/01/2011 23:12

oh yes and the lying Angry
That is just ridiculous behaviour.
Defo would not have let that one drop without a bit of a to do. Blush

twinklingfairy · 04/01/2011 23:14

But I think if you didn't say something at the time, it is best to just let it remain dropped.
Good for you for holding yout ongue.
She sounds nasty to me.

squarehat · 04/01/2011 23:21

The haircut I could live with, but the fact that she knew you had already had it done, you had talked about it in the past and then she lied about it would piss me off! I would be most concerned with the 'hes been calling me Mummy' bit tbh. She is not his mum but in some ways is acting as if she is! Think your being very decent with your DH, hopefully she will realise she has been caught and behave herself from now on.

Simular situation with a friend, well ex friend, of mine, her MIL was looking after her DD and had a hairdressers appointment which she took friends DD along to. DD was pestering for a haircut whilst there so MIL asked the hairdresser to trim a tiny amount from her fringe just to make her feel she had had a haircut like granny. MIL explained to friend what had happened and she hit the roof and threatened to call the police!! Nearly kicked her DP out when he didnt see a problem with it and basically imo over reacted.

Guess what im trying to say is your DNBU, you are being very very reasonable. Well done for choosing your battles and venting an here. But id be keeping a close eye on MIL in the future Wink

Original poster
Mapley · 04/01/2011 23:40

Yes the saying he hasn't missed me and calls her mummy probably upsets me more. I am happy that ds isn't pining and unhappy when I'm not there, but she rubs my nose in it. When I rang up after the first night to see how he was she said "he hasn't cried for you atall, isn't bothered atall, I'm the one he's turning to now when he needs a hug" which hurt. But I'm just trying tobe glad the ds is happy. DH says she's prob just trying to set my mind at rest, and reassure me that ds is ok

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twinklingfairy · 04/01/2011 23:47

hmm, there are ways to put your mind at rest without claiming to have replaced you.
I think your DH is trying to see the good in his mum, but he does need to see that she is manipulative too.

Original poster
Mapley · 05/01/2011 07:51

I feel so sad for him though when I point it out. It's as if he's never ever considered it and he looks confused and sad. It's not that bad so far, just little comments and things I can ignore, and I do think that overall she's ok. Wish she didn't do and say the things she dud though

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Original poster
Mapley · 05/01/2011 08:06

How do you deal with a person who does and says things like this and make it clear you're not a door mat without having an argument and bad feeling?

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