MIL cutting ds's hair

[Mapley]

My DS went to stay with his grandparents this weekend for the first time, he's nearly two.

My DS hasn't hadn't had his haircut until New Year's Eve, and it was quite long. I decided on New Year's Eve to tidy up the back a bit,but left the rest. His fringe was just above the eyebrows and so I left it and thought I'd do it another time.

My MIL has been saying that she wants to cut his hair for ages, so that's partly why I did it before he went to her's for the weekend, because I wanted to cut it first. She was obviously a bit put out when we arrived because I'd cut it rather than her, but that's my perogative so I just breezily ignored her disgruntlement.

When we arrived back after the weekend the first thing I noticed is that his fringe was shorter. About an inch shorter. I asked her right out if she'd cut it and she denied it and said "ofcourse I'd never cut it without your permission, you must have done it when you cut it!"

I didn't ofcourse. Now I'm not particularly bothered, and didn't push the issue as I don't want to argue with ds's grannie, but really WTF? I have spoken to DH about it though, and he says he's upset that I'm saying his mum is a liar. Am I being unreasonable continuing to insist that she is?

[curlymama]

I think if she says something like it again, about ds not missing you, I'd say something like 'Thankyou, I'm so glad he's had a good time. Look at how cute he is when he sees me though, that must be the mother son bond, which you will understand all about'. but say it directly and with a hint of a tone so she knows that you know what she is up to that DH would never pick up. But being female, she would. Then you can go on to ask her what your DH was like at that age when he saw her. When she has answered, say 'Ahh that's lovely, I bet you would have gone mad if anybody had tried to get inbetween you and him. I love it when DH comes in from work, it's so nice to see him at the end of the day'. She will get the hint if you say it right.

It would just be a way of letting her know that you are the most important woman in DH and DS's lives, and while you will be hapy to have her a part of your lives, you know that you come first to them.

[HappySkiingGardeningNewYear]

I would be a little annoyed about the hair. It wasn't the first cut and it was only his fringe. However, I couldn't let the lying go. I would have to say something like " I'm a little upset you cut DS hair when I had asked you not to, but I can let that go as I had given him his first haircut. However, I am really concerned about you lying to me. If I am going to continue to leave DS with you I need to know you will be truthful about anything to do with him." and see what she says.

Your DP sounds lovely. I have a very cute image of a man sitting looking confused and conflicted. Maybe just pointing out that if he believes your MIL then it implies he thinks you are lying, but you understand how difficult that is for him would help?

[mummyshreddingnora]

she's talking bollox about the not missing you - sounds to me like he's wandering around looking for you - all the 'calling her mummy' is probably essentially asking for you! I would say that too!

[Mapley]

He is cute and lovely, and his mum isn't horrible. I don't want to make him sad, when she's not that bad and there's a bigger picture to think about. I think I'll just say to him that I understand that he finds it difficult to question his mum and am not going to mither him about it now, but I would like him to think about this and remember it. And then if she says or does in the future then I'll need his support.

As for her, I'll keep in mind your suggestions of how to talk to her. That's very helpful. I already just try to be very nice and only talk about what's best for ds.

[Pinkjenny]

I would go bonkers. Ds is 13mo, and dh is always harping on about cutting his hair. If he did, I would happily respond by cutting his balls off.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Fwiw, I don't think your Dh is calling you a liar. I think he desperately wants to believe that his mum is right and that you cut your sons hair shorter than you initially realised. To acknowledge otherwise(even to himself) means that he would have to confront his mothers behaviour and he wants to avoid that.

I think your approach to your DH is right, about letting this go but expecting his full support in future.

I do think you need to nip your MILs behaviour in the bud though. I like curlymamas suggestions of things to say.

I'd be inclined to have a quiet word telling her that I need to be able to trust her completely with my child and if I feel that I can't do that, then I will be very reluctant to let her babysit in future.

[monkeyflippers]

I think what mummyshreddingnora said is probably right, he's probably actually asking for you when he says mummy. It's sad though that she isnt content being his nan but wants to be his mum.

[Mapley]

I hadn't considered that, that makes me feel sad now. I was happy that she said he wasn't pining after me, I don't want him sad :-(

[Mapley]

i feel like i'm going a bit mad now actually, ds fell asleep on my knee this afternoon and i was playing with his hair and realised that it's all layered at the back. I swear i didn't do that, i don't even know how to. But maybe I did? I feel abit loopy now. She completely denied it so surely she wouldn't have layered it all?

[RevoltingPeasant]

Mapley, I think curlymama is right when she says be polite but use a bit of a tone that she'll get.

When she said the thing about him calling her 'mummy', I would've done and said, 'Oh, well, I hope you corrected him! Silly [DS's name], that's Granny, not Mummy!'

If she persists you could say you are concerned he is getting confused, and could she please correct him when he makes this mistake stop making shit up.

On the haircut, I don't think you can say anything now but take careful note of his hair before he goes to stay with her again, maybe even take a photo on your phone, and then if it is different when he gets back you'll have evidence...

[Mapley]

Just said my peace to dh, who looked grateful that I wasn't going to push it and agreed that if there's a next time then he'll support me.

Great idea about taking a picture. Will do.

I shall have my wits about me around her from now on. Suppose I've always known that, that's why I cut his hair before he went.

[giveitago]

OOh she does sound a bit controlling - did the cutting of his hair come with the comment 'oh silly mummy doesn't realise your hair is too long so I'll cut it for you?'

My mil the same - I prefer ds's hair on the long side however when we go to stay with her overseas she's determined ds looks like the kids in her region and we're talking skinhead thug look - no f'cking chance. I cut it to a reasonable length before we go as I just don't want to get into an argument and I don't want to see ds with a horrible thug stubble either.

[LoveBeingADaddysGirl]

I don't blame you for being upset, if someone cut an adults hair without permission it is assualt. Glad you've spoken to dh. Tbh the only thing that has really concerned me about what you've said was the bit about him calling her mummy (according to her anyway). Does he have a name for her? Just make sure you bring this into conversation regularly with him.

[Mapley]

Aaagh. Annoying!