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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell him, even talk or do not bother coming back from work tomorrow?

19 replies

welshbyrd · 04/01/2011 20:35

On-going situation, here is a previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1114037-I-do-not-know-what-to-do-here
Since then, have spoken to DH, opened the thread for him to see, and told him, Im deadly serious about considering divorce.He said he understands, and would read thread.

I went upstairs to give him time to read thread about 10.30ish, read amg and feel asleep waiting for him. Though I did hear him coming into bedroom and getting into bed about 1am ish.

This happened Saturday night, his mum come to visit Sunday [she lives 100 miles away], so could not talk then, but she left 6.30pm, and since then he has not even mentioned it at all
He went back to work from Christmas today, he has come home stuffed his face with food I cooked for him, helped put DCs to bed [back in school tomorrow] Now he has gone upstairs to listen to footie on the radio Hmm

AIBU to tell him tonight, we either sort this out tonight, which involves him talking it through, or he should not come back from work tomorrow. Its so frustrating, and is really getting me down now

OP posts:
Original poster
welshbyrd · 04/01/2011 20:36

Sorry do not know how to put thread into a click link, if that makes sense

OP posts:
penguin73 · 04/01/2011 20:38

Maybe putting pressure on him tonight will make him worse/make it harder for him to open up. Is there anyway you can offload the DC for a while over the weekend and have some time together then to talk. Tell him tonight that that is the plan so he has time to think about what he wants to say.

charliesmommy · 04/01/2011 20:42

YABU because on the whole you appear to have a good marriage which would seem a shame to break up without trying to resolve this problem.

For someone to go from affectionate to completely unaffectionate, there has to be a reason. Is he depressed?

Original poster
welshbyrd · 04/01/2011 20:51

He has know about this since beginning of last year. I honestly can not see how a few days without DCs are going to make any difference.I made him aware of solicitors appt on the 22nd of December.

I feel as if I going to extremes, with this idea, its completely out of character for me to be so nasty, [am aware telling do not bother coming back is nasty], but I can not cope anymore. I really do not think I can live like this another minute, its come to the point of me seeing images of me ripping handfuls of hair out of my head, have even imagined, him walking into house and me being in livingroom covered in blood wrists slashed[ would never do it, but just the shock might make him realise what this is doing to me]
For him to know how much this is hurting me, the very fact he has ignored it, [always listens to me though, but never says what he wants], has made me come to the conclusion, that he could not give a fook whats happens, or how sad I am.

He knows Ive been sad about this for months, not just the issue of lack of affection, the very fact he does not care about me enough to even be honest.

Its like he has kept me hanging on a thread for almost a year, knowing it is hurting me

Rabbling now sorry, do not even know if any of this makes sense

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Animation · 04/01/2011 20:54

Give him a bit longer. We had an eclipse this morning - and it's been making people a bit edgy and restless. Seriously - I believe in all that.

Animation · 04/01/2011 20:59

My gut feeling is that he doesn't know how to talk about this, especially as he anticiaptes a big rejection. A lot of men expect that if you're not happy then they're going to get dumped - they don't realize that all you want to do is talk it through.

Original poster
welshbyrd · 04/01/2011 21:03

I do not want to dump him Animation, I want to make it work, I love him dearly, if we could go back to how we was, Id be the happiest person I know

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tinkgirl · 04/01/2011 21:09

right - having been in a similar situation as my DH quite happily buries head in sand rather than to talk about this, he thinks that if he ignores it then it'll go away, also puts things down to my hormones etc.

I would go upstairs and tell him that you are still expecting to have 'the talk' but that you would like to give him some time so he can get his head round what he wants to say. Then ask him if tomorrow after the DC's are in bed, that this can take place as the sooner it is done, the sooner things can move on.

I love my DH dearly but bloody hell, he would test the patience of a saint. It wasn't ever that he wanted me to be unhappy but just didn't see it, even after me telling him for 10yrs plus. In the early days though I was rather needy and have now just learned to get on with things without him, more often than not he now complains that he's being left out.

penguin73 · 04/01/2011 21:10

I don't mean get rid of the kids for a few days, just a few hours to give yourselves time to talk without the risk of interruption and giving him a few days notice to focus on what he thinks and feels and wants to say. It is easy to let things lie/keep putting them off but if there is a specific time when he knows you will want answers than that might focus his mind a bit more.

Animation · 04/01/2011 21:12

I know you don't Welshbyrd - but I think guys can automatically get the wrong end of the stick and assume that you want to dunp them, and so they avoid having THE conversation.

Original poster
welshbyrd · 04/01/2011 21:17

I think DH is the same tinkgirl, buries head in sand, but because he will not speak about it, Im frightened, he does want to split, but has not got the guts to say it, iyswim. He is not a bad person, and does not like hurting feelings etc,

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chandellina · 04/01/2011 21:22

well it's a massive question for him to answer though of course he MUST answer it. i know some guys just have a low sex drive but it sounds like his changed dramatically and rapidly. all possible explanations are somewhat worrying.

flyfly · 04/01/2011 21:22

Tinkgirl is spot on. Have been through this as well. He's just hoping you'll wake up one day and feel better. You tell him how unhappy you feel and even cry and all he just stares at you, and says and does absolutely nothing. Truth is, he's probably lost and has no idea what to do.

If you decide to divorce, do it because he's cheating on you, verbally or physically abusive or neglectful, a bad father, an irresponsible partener, not because he can't figure out what's happening in the female mind.

I had to become less needy and determine not to allow someone else to determine my mood. I felt it was a cop-out ie. "I'm unhappy because of HIM". Guess what? When he's gone, the unhappiness will still be there (with a little extra for good measure).
Step back and stop listening to the wrong voices.

tinkgirl · 04/01/2011 21:29

I know were you are coming from but don't assume that, I did on many an occassion and still do sometimes. When i sit down and think about it I think it comes from our two very different upbringings.

I grew up within a loving stable marriage of my parents who spent alot of time with each other and thought that this is what marriage is. DH is the youngest of 8, and grew up in a loving and stable marriage as well but his dad worked seven days a week, all hours, his mum had a couple of part time jobs here and there, so they didn't spend alot of time together. When his dad wasn't working he was having 'his time' in the pub, didn't interfere with the children unless one of them needed discipling in someway, they were older parents by the time DH came along. DH still spends alot of time in the pub now but I have come to realise that we have a better quality family life if he does this, he doesn't get drunk but does do all his moaning about his work day there rather than with me.

I've no idea if this is anything like your situation but over the years I have learnt that if he doesn't want to talk about it then I write him a letter. All I can suggest is that when you do talk, that you try to get him to agree to spending one evening a week together, doing whatever, you can build it up from here over time if it works out.

Original poster
welshbyrd · 04/01/2011 22:34

Just went up, he was flat out sleeping , burst into tears, grabbed spare quilt, and have come back downstairs. Feel 500 times worse now. Him sleeping soundly, while Im barely sleeping most night because of this, I feel so angry

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Animation · 04/01/2011 22:39

MEN!!Hmm Smile

charliesmommy · 04/01/2011 22:45

what happened months ago in his life? something must have, to trigger this... it sounds to me like he is suffering from some sort of depression, or maybe he is scared of something..

I think divorce is an extreme solution that wouldnt make either of you happy.. and you cant just kick him out of his own house for this reason either.

TyraG · 05/01/2011 07:27

Instead of divorce, how about a trial separation? Perhaps that would be enough to kick him in the arse and realise what's about to happen should he not get his shit together.

Original poster
welshbyrd · 06/01/2011 09:37

Spoke to him last night, well actually I shouted Hmm, he did talk after being prompted, me asking him direct questions and him replying.
Told him how frustrating this has been to me, I really let rip.

He does love me, and he still wants to stay in a relationship. Worked out between us, that since DD 20months was born, tiredness, exhaustion [have to say DD, really has been hard work from day one, not sleeping all night until about a month ago,her behaviour in public places, meant we could not go anywhere etc]
Thankfully since xmas, she seems to have turned a corner, and has been an absolute little gem, since talking more. Did worry, it was because DH was on xmas hols from work, and when he returned, she would go back to her previous behaviour, well its day 4 of DH being back in work, and she really has been fab. Took her to a softball play yesterday, she was brill, confidant to approach other children, and overall fantastic
Think when a relationship has taken a back seat for such a long time due to exhaustion etc, it was hard to get back into it
He cwtched me all night, I felt warm, safe and feel almost stupid typing this, but minute by minute, I felt that all this stress, anger, loneliness was disappearing

Thanks all that replied, think you gave me the big kick up the bum, I needed, to get this sorted, and be courageous enough to push the subject, even though I knew there was a chance of him wanting to split.

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