I do not know what to do here

[welshbyrd]

DH and met 3-4years ago, everything was fab, got pregnant[planned] 2years in, up until that point and all the way through pregnancy, we couldnt even walk passed each other in the house without hands touching, cwtching, every morning before he left for work, he would kiss me goodbye, even while I was still sleeping
Maybe a month after baby was born this carried on, but then it stopped
Put it down to tiredness etc from night feeds etc,
Beginning of this year we decided to get married[well put wheels in motion, had decided to wed long time before]
Knowing how strained things were with us, I repeatedly ask/try to discuss the lack of affection ect, and was looking for some assurance, that it would be fine.Instead, he didnt ignore me, but listened and that was about it
I considered cancelling the wedding on numerous occasion [which I told him], but felt I could not, as many of our family members gave financially towards the wedding.
Married 27th August, this year, was the first time in months we had kissed [and it has been the last time], we were intimate 3 days after wedding [last time we have been]
We get on so well, in all, maybe like best friends etc.
Having made my issues clear before the wedding, I chose to keep quiet for a time after wedding, and see what happened, well we are coming into 2011, and nothing has happened, Ive given him a reasonably amount of time
Mentioned to him on friday, I have a solicitors appt on 11th of Jan, regarding divorce, broke down and explained I can not cope with things the way they are, he suggested because I was so upset, to have a relaxing bath,and that was it, carried on as fooking normal.
I feel so stupid marrying him, Im so upset, welling up here, feel almost ashamed even, that I do not think my husband loves me anymore
He is perfect dad, perfect husband, pulls his weight around house, everything else is perfect except this, I wish I could ignore it, but its beating me up inside

[SauvignonBlanche]

Could you try Relate before the solicitors?

[welshbyrd]

I had thought about that sauvignonblanche, however, if he just listens to me without responding back, do not think that will work. It will be me talking, and him listening as usual

[igetmorelovefromthecat]

I really feel for you as I am in a similar situation. I know how you feel. It's hard because you don't want to make a big deal out of it because if you do you know he is making an effort because you have forced him into it, not because he wants to, which removes any pleasure. Every day I feel like I go to bed feeling rejected and it's horrible.

Have you discussed counselling?

[Aims80]

Oh bless you. You need to sit him down and get him to actually enter into a discussion on this. It's not a one way street so don't let him wriggle out of it. If that doesn't work then maybe a solicitor will wake him up.

It's not your fault though.

[charliesmommy]

some men find it hard to show affection.. it doesnt mean he loves you any less.. telling him you want a divorce, when in all other respects you say he is perfect sounds very harsh to me..

[HappyHECmanay]

he probably doesn't believe you - that you are serious about going.

If you are - and this is not an (understandable) attempt to shock him into seeing what he could lose, then go to that appointment.

An appointment doesn't commit you to anything. But him knowing you are off at 4 to see the solicitor tells him that this is not something he can ignore.

sit down with him and say "I am totally serious, you know. This is a deal breaker for me. Why do you not seem to understand that? I am seeing a solicitor to discuss ending our marriage. Do you have nothing to say to that?"

If he wants to save the marriage, he will work with you. If he is happy to see you go off to the solicitor and doesn't seem to care, then I think you have your answer.

[igetmorelovefromthecat]

Sorry just seen your post above. Relate may really be worth a go (I used to work there). They would make him have an input so he wouldn't just be able to sit there.

For me I know it's not worth trying as DP's issues aren't something Relate can help with.

[welshbyrd]

igetmorelovefromthecat You sound just like me, I have repeatedly spoken to him about this, the beginning of the year, however, if he had responded/tried etc, im almost sure I would have felt disgusting and dirty [as if Ive forced it on him] jeez, what a mess , how long has this been an issue with you? sorry for prying, any info I could get would help me understand, well not really understand, becuse I just can not understand, sorry babbling now

[SkyBluePearl]

both get some coucelling first. having outside imput from a proffessional is very worth while and could really help. its not just about you talking but him talking in therapy too - and then working on different things each week under guidance.

[HappyHECmanay]

He's got to care enough to want counselling. "Have a bath" is not a normal response to "I am going to see a solicitor"

[igetmorelovefromthecat]

It has been like this for me for about a year now. And it is getting worse not better. He sleeps in a separate room and won't even give me a cuddle.

A couple of months ago I thought I might actually die from sexual frustration so I cornered him on the sofa and kind of forced him into it (not in a horrible way!). But he closed his eyes, grimaced and actually whimpered! It didn't really do it for me so I gave up.

Thought he might make an effort on Christmas, but no. I have had the conversation with him many times that I can't carry on like this but nothing changes. I am going to bide my time until the summer when DD will be a year old and if nothing has changed by then I am going.

[welshbyrd]

iTs made 50 times worse for me over the last month or 2, by the fact 19mo DD is such hard work, plays up in other peoples home, supermarkets etc, so apart from doing the school run in mornings and afternoons [got 2 older DCs], I dont get out much. Sometimes my family pop over etc, then I resigned to the fact im making tea, for DCs and DH come home, and a night of pure shit.

[welshbyrd]

if family do not pop over, then Ive had a day stuck in house, and have got to do dinner etc for DC and DH when they get home, and then my evening is shit, sorry missing words on last post, really am in a bit of a state
Was expecting poster to say take time, it will work out etc, the fact that most can see there is a problem, its made it more real. Sorry if I am not making sense,Im thinking what seems like5 million things all at once

[welshbyrd]

Sorry to hear that IGMLOTC, I really hope you manage to sort it out before the summer, and it will be a thing of the past for you both.
Your cut off point is the summer, Mine was the end of the year. Im here, and nothing has changed, he knows exactly what this has done to me,its making me almost angry with him, that he has ignored it all, and let it come to this

[igetmorelovefromthecat]

It's sad though isn't it...like you my DP is great in so many ways, a lovely dad, great around the house, he just doesn't want to touch me anymore. And it isn't because he doesn't love me because I know he does. It makes it even harder to walk away. It sounds like a really crap reason to leave but I know I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I am not even 30 yet ffs!

[igetmorelovefromthecat]

I have a rant at him at least twice a week about it and nothing changes. He doesn't even try to make any sort of effort. And I think the longer it's like this the more of a habit it becomes and the harder it will be for it to ever get back to how it was before.

[sowhatis]

my dh & i went through a stage like that. almost couldnt be bothered. it wazs driving me mad and drove me to someone else. not a ull on affair, it was email/text. dh found out - i was hardly being careful! and things improved.

i do not recommend this - it was v v stressful but i was at a point where i didnt care if we split, so anything was possible iyswim.

i think you need to have a serious conversation asap before solicitor and ask how he would feel if you meet someone else, sometimes it shocks them i think.

i hope 2011 is a better year for you, whatever happens x

[shelscrape]

I really do urge you to see relate first. If you only married in August 2010, you can't legally divorce until you've been married for 1 year. So, give it a chance. You clearly want to work at your marriage. But give your DH time too.

Relate are great. They can deal with all sorts of issues. Whilst there is the traditional thing with both of you seeing a relate counsellor together, you can see a relate counsellor individually and that might help you both.

[welshbyrd]

Ive just hit 30,DH is34 sometimes though I feel 60yo. Odd thing to say, but this situation seems to be putting years on me.
Im determined to get this sorted out with tonight.Either way, whether it be, I attend the solicitors appointment, or we both make a joint new years resolution to get back what we once had.
Really do hope things improve for you IGMLFTC,keeping my fingers crossed for you

[readywithwellies]

May be completely left field - any chance your dh is gay?

[welshbyrd]

spwhatis, will asked DH this evening about his feeling about me meeting someone else, great idea, maybe just the shake up he needs
Will mention relate shelscrape, I do not want to walk away from this marriage, I would love to save it, each day, and each week, each month this has gone on, its been chipping away at my confidence, I feel so low now, and am finding it is effecting everything,im questioning my mothering skills at times, feeling useless if Ive burnt the fishfingers etc, minor things, leaving me feeling a failure.

[sowhatis]

i hope it goes well for you. my dh has a lot lower sex drive than me but he has improved alot with just touching and cuddling which is great.

[oska]

Go and have some counseling with Relate. If he ticks lots of boxes, don't give up, it's possibly a physical thing. Could be medical. Could be trauma if he witnessed the birth and can't get blood and guts out of his mind - tis v common.., and passion killer. For the sake of your young child having what you say is a good Daddy around too, see a professional first.

[mummy1992]

Oh poor you, i too am in a slightly similair situation, only not quite as bad as i only have 1 baby and she is only 3weeks old. My DP wont touch me, our 1st year we had a great sex life, amazing infact but hasnt since i stopped drinking 1yrs ago, unless he has had a drink in which case he is all over me but in a really seedy sleazy way that makes me feel sick as i dont drink so i turn him down. Were as when he is sober and i try it on with him he runs a mile, then i get upset so he forces hmself to but he just lies there and looks miserable and then when its over he turns his back to me so i lie there feeling dirty and horrible. What makes me feel worse is that he cheated on me when he was sober at the begining of the rship with my best friend, i no it doesnt matter but she is not what you would call even remotly attractive so why would he sleep with her sober and not me. It was also the 1st time he had met her so he cant of had feelings for her.

Men are just a different species, they spend all day talking to there mates about it and lusting after women on tv but when it comes down to it they run a mile

you have done nothing wrong welshbyrd