to not want a lodger? I think i am...

[ohjessejames]

dh and live in cramped, damp conditions with our ds. After scrimping and scraping we are now in a position to buy a bigger home. We can't wait to start our family life together in a lovely home. Two younger close family members are, frankly, shite with money. I've bailed them out on numerous occasions and offered one a home which caused a lot of probs with nonpayment of anything and disregard for property. The younger one is living in pretty dire conditions but pays minimal rent, free bills & groceries etc. She knew the situation before moving there but now understandably doesnt like it. She is atrocious with money and i'm not the only family member who's offered assistance. This time around i feel as tho i want to be selfish and enjoy our new home after a really miserable couple of yeas. I've offered practical support re jobsearch, accommadation etc but i know that everyone is expecting that we will give her a home. I know from experience that even offering a temporary place would discourage her from finding her own place and would not encourage her to save etc. I also know that money burns big holes in her pockets and she loves to shop and party. what should i do? I feel so mean but at the same time it's really taking the shine off of our new home and we don't feel able to talk openly about our plans. What is a cause for celebration has now become the elephant in the room! Namechanged cos feel like heel.

I wouldn't give her a home either. Maybe let her stay over once a fortnight or something, maybe she could babysit for you so you and dh can go out for a break? But no I wouldn't share my home and basically take on the mothering role.

Congratualtions btw!!!!!!! Enjoy it!!

DON'T DO IT!

I'm sorry but I wouldn't let her stay even overnight as chances are you won't get rid. I have relatives like this, that will never grow up and take responsibilty as they are always being bailed out financially.

Offering practical support and encouragement would be far kinder in the long run so please don't feel bad about things, and enjoy your new home!

Er NO, NO and a TRILLION NOs!

Grow a rhino hide and say that you and DH have bought this house for you both to live in and as you have had bad experience in the past, you will not be having anyone share it with you in future.

If you give her a temporary place, it'll never end, you do know that.

Stick to your guns.

Maybe you could discuss it with her and say you have discussed it with your dh and both of you feel it would be too much having someone else there all the time but you don't mind her staying on the odd occasion now and again but she is not to make it a regular thing, she is not to expect to stay but she has to be invited to stay and she is not to leave any of her stuff at your house.

My best friend comes to stay maybe once or twice a month and she never leaves anything at my house, she never invites herself and she helps me out with tidying any mess we've made and also my kids adore her and she will babysit occasionally if I ask (though I rarely do because when she stays I want to be here and sometimes will even send request dh goes out with his friends)

It is not in her long-term best interests for you to house this relative. And it is not your family's place to guilt you into doing so. If it's that important to them, they can do it themselves.

Another big fat NO from me.

She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and won't if everyone panders to her.

Please don't feel guilty about your new home. If you have worked and saved hard for it then you deserve to enjoy it in the way you want - for your family.

Just say no.

In the long run you will be doing her a favour as it sounds like she needs to be made to grow up.

Absolutely not. In the strongest terms!

As other posters have said, they need to learn for themselves and if they've not taken advice, then they need to learn the hard way. People must take responsibilty for their choices and why they are in the position they are in now. You bailing her out again won't help in the slightest.

And don't feel like a heel....my DH and I have not got a spare bed in our new house, simply so that we don't have to have people come to stay! I agree it is a bit mean, but we value our privacy too!

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

Not only are you under no obligation to help your family members out in this way, you are also not doing her any favours. I was bad with money when younger and I only learned how to handle it by understanding its value and realising that if I fell no-one was going to pick me up. I cannot emphasise enough how important this lesson was.

Also, I take it this girl isn't related to your DH? Why should he have to leave with your family members? As you know from prev experience, living with someone you are not related to, or not in love with, is really hard and a pita. And there are possible complicating scenarios, like what happens if she gets a bf who is threatening towards your DS, or starts bringing hard-partying friends back to your house?

Last but seriously not least, it's not good for your relationship with DH to have a third wheel (not counting kids). It discourages intimacy. What happens if you want to cosy up (or more) on the sofa? Have a row? Wander around in your undies? It's clear that you are both massively looking forward to being a cosy unit in your lovely new house and I cannot see why you should put this girl's comfort before yours and your DH's comfort.

I can come up with about a million more reasons why this is a bad idea!

If you can't face the fall-out if you flat-out refuse, tell your family that the spare room is being done up so that you can rent it out to a real lodger as you have a huuuuge mortgage, then quote a price for this room that 'bad with money' girl would not be able to afford. Then spend a really, reeeeeally long time doing it up!

No from me too.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, she has a roof over her head, any excess money she spends she wastes, if she was that bothered about her housing needs she would put them first.

What be the point of moving to a bigger home and then sharing it? Pointless in my opinion.

What does your dh think about it? This is not about you but him too.

It will cost more in the long run, she wont pay rent, always be late in paying, make a mess of your new home.

No. Don't do it.

No, don't offer and don't give an explanation. Other than it may upset the harmony of the family so you don't feel in a position to offer.

They can go to other family members or shock horror find their own accommodation with friends or other relatives as the rest of us have to.

Another one saying "no" here - you've scrimped and saved to get yourselves a lovely, better home. But your relatives think they can spend anything they've got and still have a roof provided by you - why should you be the people saving only to give housespace to those who don't have the discipline to do so themselves.

They need to follow your example not freeload off you.

Has she asked for you to give her a space? or is it that you feel that you will be "judged" by other family members? I dont see them giving her a home so let them judge away. YANBU

Is this a unanimous YANBU?

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

you can't fix other people. they will take control of their own lives and mess only when they're forced to - offering her a place to stay just enables this shite to continue

you've worked hard for where you're going, you have your DH and little one to place first now. if she/your family don't like that, esp in light of the previous practical and emotional help you've provided, you just need to grow a thicker skin - it's their problem, not yours

you can't take care of everyone - there's a point where YOUR family unit needs to come first

YANBU. your family are taking the piss big time.

as an aside, i can't imagine how frustrating it would be to have my DH like you -i know you mean well - but the idea of constantly having to bail out his relatives - this would be a massive strain on the marriage, it honestly would. please don't underestimate how much YOUR little family unit can be affected by decisions around this (and then to think it wouldn't even be appreciated! I'm on your behalf!)

I can't believe you could possibly think YABU! So you have lived in a crappy house and now have climbed your way out into a family home you can be proud of and have worked hard for and your family think the party girl should come and live with you? What a load of tosh, DON'T let her live with you, would not be a good idea for her or for your family in the long term. Tough love does quite often work with people who have no respect for their money!

Of course YANBU.

Why would anyone-including you-be thinking that this adult is your responsibility at all?

Of course YANBU.

Unless it's a cocklodger, in which case you should move him in pronto, start answering his phone and trying to get custody of his daughter, and then post about it in AIBU.

Nope, my last lodger was taken in short term so he could sort his life out. He just took the piss. He made no effort to move on, ran up huge phonebills (it wasnt in his contract, he was supposedly only taking incoming calls or using the free evening calls), left a year ago still owing a month's rent (was HB so he had the money). Now we regularly get bailiffs looking for him here, so god knows what he's done to my credit rating.

wow! Unanimous?! I was expecting a very different response thanks guys and gals i will read and respond more later am on babyteatime now. Thankyou so much for the ideas. She's not all bad , she is kind and funny, but no don't think DH wants her there but is such a fab husband he'd do it if it made me happier.

I am very organised with money, have always managed my accounts well and I rarely over spent. I can survive crisis almost unscathed.

I have always said that I owe that to my mother, who thought me to be careful by leaving me to fend by myself and on my own(and didn't bail me out) during college. Crap years, great lesson!