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AIBU?

to not want a lodger? I think i am...

45 replies

ohjessejames · 04/01/2011 14:10

dh and live in cramped, damp conditions with our ds. After scrimping and scraping we are now in a position to buy a bigger home. We can't wait to start our family life together in a lovely home. Two younger close family members are, frankly, shite with money. I've bailed them out on numerous occasions and offered one a home which caused a lot of probs with nonpayment of anything and disregard for property. The younger one is living in pretty dire conditions but pays minimal rent, free bills & groceries etc. She knew the situation before moving there but now understandably doesnt like it. She is atrocious with money and i'm not the only family member who's offered assistance. This time around i feel as tho i want to be selfish and enjoy our new home after a really miserable couple of yeas. I've offered practical support re jobsearch, accommadation etc but i know that everyone is expecting that we will give her a home. I know from experience that even offering a temporary place would discourage her from finding her own place and would not encourage her to save etc. I also know that money burns big holes in her pockets and she loves to shop and party. what should i do? I feel so mean but at the same time it's really taking the shine off of our new home and we don't feel able to talk openly about our plans. What is a cause for celebration has now become the elephant in the room! Namechanged cos feel like heel.

OP posts:

Report

Bogeyface · 04/01/2011 17:28

Your marriage is more important than helping out someone who should be more than capable of sorting themselves out.

I am sure that your DH would do this for you, making himself unhappy in the process, but do you really want to ask him to?

And lets not forget the fact that you have scrimped and saved to get this house, why should someone else who doesnt want to put that work in, get the benefit from it?!

FakePlasticTrees · 04/01/2011 17:43

another saying no!

If it's going ot be an issue for you, could you invite your MIL to stay a few weeks after moving? Make a big thing about getting the room ready for MIL, it being MIL's room, how lovely it is that when DH's family come to stay, there's now a room for them. So no space for young family member who thinks her issues should be fixed by someone else...

amberleaf · 04/01/2011 17:50

What relation to you/DH is this person and how old exactly?

BubblesMyBubbles · 04/01/2011 17:57

Um, no, no and no!!!
And you DONT need to justify yourself either. Its your brand new home, enjoy it all to yourselves for a while :)

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/01/2011 19:31

Agree with everyone else. Definitely a no.

It's one thing to help out a friend or relative who's fallen on bad times but is generally good at running their life. It's totally another to continue bailing out someone who refuses to sort themselves out.

ohjessejames · 04/01/2011 20:41

i dont want to give too many identifying details. We have a jeremy kyle-style family. She's a close relative although we've never lived together. She lived in another part of the country with other family, then things went wrong and she moved here to be closer to us. She's currently lodging with yet another close relative but in true jk style there are relatives there with serious substancw misuse issues and other dodgy stuff going on. That house and our future home are the biggest of our famiily in this area. Its not a nice environment which is why i feel so guilty, but as i said she knew all that before she moved there. as i said she is kind and i love her. She is the sort of peson who would skint herself to buy fabulous gifts for you on payday then spend the rest of the month bemoaning the fact that she has no money. I know it'd put immense pressure on our marriage if she came to stay. I like the suggestion of having her over to babysit and to stay over sometimes so will think of doing that for a start.

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 04/01/2011 20:44

how old is she?

FakePlasticTrees · 04/01/2011 20:46

Sorry, posted too soon!

meant to add - can you not help sort out her life, help her look for a flat, sort out budgetting/ getting DD for bills going out as soon as she's paid so she knows what she has left to live on etc. Actually taking her in is delaying the solution, not the solution.

TheFarSide · 04/01/2011 21:06

No from me for the same reasons given by other posters, plus I'd be reluctant to have her stay even occasionally if there's a danger she might outstay her welcome.

Do not allow this to spoil your happiness.

ohjessejames · 04/01/2011 22:24

she is early twenties. I also struggled financially wwhen young and learned from my many mistakes. I'm now excellent with money but with no help from anyone. I have tried to do budget plans etc or give her the means to do it herself but she hates to look as though she doesnt know anything and won't listen to reason. She also has a very blase' attitude to future possible debts/bills.

OP posts:

SkyBluePearl · 04/01/2011 22:56

maybe buy her the alvin hall book about sorting out finances. she needs to do it on her own and you need to enjoy being a family unit.

zipzap · 04/01/2011 23:01

Definitely think yanbu to keep your home to yourself - once bitten twice shy comes to mind given your OP!

caramelwaffle · 05/01/2011 01:00

Yanbu

Dansmommy · 05/01/2011 01:19

If you genuinely want to help her, you'll be doing her a much bigger favour by not taking her in. Instead,help her to budget, to save for a flat or find a nicer house share. Teach her to manage her bills and shop carefully.

If you give a man a fish...

ohjessejames · 05/01/2011 07:41

funnily enough i owned the alvin hall book and sold it bootsale! Thanks everyone for your replies and suggestions. It'd about thrice bitten by now as have had a few tricky 'lodgers' in my time: people who came for a couple of nights then lingered like a bad smell. I will continue to encourage her to be proactive and try and harden up. If she won't take any advice i will have to leave her to it.

OP posts:

Maelstrom · 05/01/2011 17:30

"she is kind and i love her. She is the sort of peson who would skint herself to buy fabulous gifts for you on payday"

Generosity doesn't trump responsibility, especially if she expects the receivers of the gifts to gt her out of the situation that she has got herself in.

ohjessejames · 05/01/2011 20:37

very interesting maelstrom, it's been great to be in receipt of so many well formed opinions and to help me 'keep it real' it's hard to gain perspective on emotive situations, this is one of the ways MN really comes into it's own.

OP posts:

AuntiePickleBottom · 05/01/2011 20:42

no from me.

she need to stand on her own 2 feet

RevoltingPeasant · 05/01/2011 21:24

Jesse

I wouldn't underestimate how much strain this could put on your marriage. My DP and I lived with family for a while when we first got together and that was tough; even tougher was when I houseshared with my DSIS's when we were all skint students and we got in a fourth lodger who really annoyed everyone. It just spoilt the atmosphere in the house.

And if your family say anything, that is a completely legit, completely normal response! "We're a married couple getting our own place together and we want privacy." End of.

JennyRobyn · 05/01/2011 21:45

Agree with everyone else, you have to be cruel to be kind so to speak.

Been in a similar situation with a very close family member. In the end had to ask them to leave as it was causing arguments between me and Dh whilst they didn't give a shit and ran up countless debts at our address. We tried to help but all advice was falling on deaf ears.
There were other issues as well (about respecting us as a family and house rules) in the end we realised we were wasting our time.

Don't feel guilty as there is only so much you can do for her. You have tried.

She needs to want to help herself first before any advice/help given from others will be effective.

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