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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stay in a hotel?

40 replies

TattyDevine · 03/01/2011 19:55

This is another in-laws one, there are a fair few flying round at this time of year understandably but I really will take on board whether or not this is something I should worry about or not.

There is a family wedding in September. We (DH and I) are rather looking forward to it! Shock - the SIL who was rather gloomy and recently divorced at my wedding 10 years ago is now remarrying, and is planning a really great wedding.

Long story short, the in-laws house is getting pretty crowded. With us and another SIL (not the one getting married) plus kids, there is not a lot of bathroom or bedroom space. There is no space at all for hanging clothes or unpacking bags, as wardrobes and cupboards are full of old clothes and old tatt and SIL's wedding dress from the first marriage that failed, etc etc! Which is of course their choice.

DH and I have agreed we would love avoid the free-for-all that will be the in-laws house the day before the wedding and the morning of the wedding, and be able to hang our clothes up nicely, unpack properly, sleep in a comfortable bed, get ready in our own time in our own bathroom not have to do anything to anyone else's timetable (except turn up to the wedding when the Bride says of course) and stay up as late as we like, not worry about transport, drinking, babysitting etc. To achieve this we plan to stay in the hotel the wedding is being held in the night before the wedding and the night of the wedding, including hiring a babysitter to sit in the room should one of our children (who will be 2 and 4) wish to go to bed before we are ready to.

So, essentially, we want to stand on our own 2 feet, not rely on in-laws for accomodation, babysitting, transport, and therefore opt out of being drawn into any of the endless discussions, planning, and arguments that may well take place on the lead up to this wedding.

However. This is unlikely to go down well - they are simply expecting us to stay with them, MIL has a slight history with other grandchildren of babysitting but being a great big martyr about it but not really giving any other choice and not really letting people realise she's not happy about it until after its happened, etc etc. Not with me, I've never allowed it to happen, and I dont really want to get drawn into it.

We had a brief discussion with the bride at Christmas that we were thinking of getting accomodation in the hotel of the wedding. She seemed to think this was a good idea and that we should go for it. We didn't mention the night before, to be fair, but I dont see how that will upset the actual bride in any way.

Bearing in mind we are not about to ruin anybody's wedding, AIBU to potentially upset the inlaws by doing what will be seen as a "snub" and arranging for and paying for our own accomodation and babysitting, for reasons of avoidance of can't-win situations and overcrowded and potentially tense surroundings?

I'm thinking on the face of it it doesn't seem like we ABU but we dont live nearby, only visit once or twice a year, and they very much enjoy having us stay. DH is positive, deep down, that it hasn't even occured to them that we wont be, and I'm wondering if we should tread eggshells, just come out with it, nor not even do it seeing its mainly for our own personal comfort and enjoyment.

Views?

OP posts:
joydivisionovengloves · 03/01/2011 19:57

YANBU, you'll be much happier in a hotel with your own space.

LIZS · 03/01/2011 19:59

Sounds sensible to me. They won't really want a toddler amid the preparatiosn at the hosue.

borderslass · 03/01/2011 19:59

Sounds like a great idea, when my niece got married nearly 2 years ago she booked all the rooms for guests was much more relaxed atmosphere than having to get taxis to different venues.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 03/01/2011 20:00

YANBU

Point out that you staying in the hotel will make it easier for them, and other sil and kids, to get ready as there will be less people using the bathroom. In fact I'd be tempted to book the hotel and present it as a fait accompli.

werewolf · 03/01/2011 20:01

Sounds like a great idea to stay at the hotel and gives others more space at your inlaws' house.

parakeet · 03/01/2011 20:01

Just book it and pay a deposit, then it can't be undone.

RoadCraftGuru · 03/01/2011 20:01

YANBU (of course).

If your ILs would truly love to have you stay with them, does your timetable allow for you to stay another night with them after the wedding? That way you could present a fait accompli "We realise that you are going to be really busy in the run up to the wedding and we can enjoy the actual wedding evening much more with a room at the venue where we can have a babysitter so we've booked two nights there" with an apparant request for help "we think we'll be pretty tired the day after so is it at all possible that you could put us up for the following night before we head home?"

charliesmommy · 03/01/2011 20:01

YANBU and as MIL will be busy interfering helping with the wedding, she probably wont bat an eyelid

arentfanny · 03/01/2011 20:04

Sounds like a great idea.

alfabetty · 03/01/2011 20:04

Book the hotel and suggest you'll pop to their house for a coffee the day after the wedding, to talk about the day, share pics etc, then they won't feel snubbed.

onepieceoflollipop · 03/01/2011 20:04

Completely reasonable. Another compromise is that if mil really wants to see family on the actual morning of the wedding, you could pop in for tea/coffee with the ils?

(after getting ready in your hotel ensuite and enjoying a night in a comfy bed)

charliesmommy · 03/01/2011 20:10

You could even say to MIL, "you are welcome to use our room to freshen up/change into comfy shoes to make it seem like a benefit that she can take advantage of..

Original poster
TattyDevine · 03/01/2011 20:15

Yep, they are all good ideas that I'm thinking along the lines of. Bear in mind the Bride and her Bridesmaids as far as I am aware will not be in the inlaws house the morning of the wedding, but her own house - she is a 40 year old with grown up children. But there will be plenty going on in the house the morning of the wedding, with the other SIL's kids (3) plus husband, and them probably faffing around in general. There is only one shower, no extractor fan, its dripping wet in this tiny room, etc. Not a huge big deal normally, but I just want to enjoy getting ready and do it in our own time.

We will make ourselves available for any pre-wedding celebratory dinners. We are not going to do coffee on the morning of the wedding because their house is quite a distance from the venue and it sort of defeats the purpose of staying there, however we will otherwise be involved in any social activities surrounding the wedding the day before and possibly even the day after if we stay an extra night (and we will if it helps smooth things over)

I know they will get pissed off with it and see it as a snub, particularly as we have spent money not to stay at theirs - i.e we dont even want to stay at theirs to save £200+

But its not about money, I just think we will enjoy the day more and focus on the actual meaning of the day more if we stay at the venue. Its fairly selfish really, considering we might upset someone, yet we really want to do it.

It definiely does free up space in the house so even if the IL's are annoyed, SIL and her husband/kids will benefit!

OP posts:
arentfanny · 03/01/2011 20:16

I would book it quite quickly though just to ensure you do get a room.

Onetoomanycornettos · 03/01/2011 20:20

Just do it and present it as a fait accompli, they will be fine if you let them know now (or at least have a few months to get used to it). It may not be their preferred option, and they may be a little hurt, but it is not unreasonable and they will appreciate the space themselves at such a hectic time.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 03/01/2011 20:20

I was going to book it tomorrow, it was showing online availability today but I just want to speak to a person to confirm the choice of accomodation (family room etc) and I'll get it sorted.

Definitely not going to sit on it though, I want it booked by the time their planning discussions all start, so we are able to opt out of it.

I sound a right cow but its bloody hard enough going to weddings with little kids trying to look half decent without having nowhere to hang your outfit and spending all morning trying to string out your kids whilst your hubby gets roped into giving various people lifts here there and everywhere, etc...

OP posts:
monkeyflippers · 03/01/2011 20:21

You should do what you want to do. Sounds like your MIL will get the hump about it but just tell them your plans, don't make a big deal of it and do what suits you best. You really don't have to answer to anybody but maybe have a few lines rehearsed in case she gets stroppy eg.

We are staying at the hotel so the babysitting can stay in the room with DC so that it won't interrupt your enjoyment of the day (if she would do the babysitting for you as it sounds like she would do and then complain about it).

. . . so that your house won't be overcrowded for you on such an important morning.

RoadCraftGuru · 03/01/2011 20:25

I think the least offensive angle is to really hype up the obvious benefit of having a room there for the night of the wedding and thus having a babysitter & not having to leave early if one of the children doesn't settle and to then say that as you are staying there one night it made sense to do the 2 to avoid re-packing/checking in at the time of the wedding etc.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 03/01/2011 20:27

She would have done the babysitting for us, I am certain, because she can then use it as an excuse to leave early, because she doesn't want to do the wedding party thing but wants to them blame it on us.

I think at this point she is so sure we want to have a drink and a dance that we will accept her offer of babysitting and it hasn't occured to her we wont even be staying in her house.

Yep, we are going to do it, will book tomorrow, then sit on it till the topic comes up. Will update when if the shit hits the fan...

OP posts:
alfabetty · 03/01/2011 20:31

I don't understand people who try to coerce others into doing things they don't want to, like these enforced or unnecessary overnight stays. I would hate to have a house guest who didn't really want to be there!

monkeyflippers · 03/01/2011 20:32

Well done for doing what YOU want to do. I'm impressed!

ENormaSnob · 03/01/2011 20:36

Yadnbu

StealthPolarBear · 03/01/2011 20:37

oh YANBU at all!
Staying there sounds horrendous and stressful, staying in the actual hotel sounds calm and lovely

Original poster
TattyDevine · 03/01/2011 20:41

Oh, its awful there, I hate staying there. If I go into details I'll just sound snobby, which in this case I am, a bit, though my main reasons are more to do with the space/logistics of it all in this case...

OP posts:
monkeyflippers · 03/01/2011 20:43

Go on . . . tell us, we won't think you're snobby (well maybe a bit, but we are all entitled to snobby moments)

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