AIBU to stay in a hotel?

[TattyDevine]

This is another in-laws one, there are a fair few flying round at this time of year understandably but I really will take on board whether or not this is something I should worry about or not.

There is a family wedding in September. We (DH and I) are rather looking forward to it! - the SIL who was rather gloomy and recently divorced at my wedding 10 years ago is now remarrying, and is planning a really great wedding.

Long story short, the in-laws house is getting pretty crowded. With us and another SIL (not the one getting married) plus kids, there is not a lot of bathroom or bedroom space. There is no space at all for hanging clothes or unpacking bags, as wardrobes and cupboards are full of old clothes and old tatt and SIL's wedding dress from the first marriage that failed, etc etc! Which is of course their choice.

DH and I have agreed we would love avoid the free-for-all that will be the in-laws house the day before the wedding and the morning of the wedding, and be able to hang our clothes up nicely, unpack properly, sleep in a comfortable bed, get ready in our own time in our own bathroom not have to do anything to anyone else's timetable (except turn up to the wedding when the Bride says of course) and stay up as late as we like, not worry about transport, drinking, babysitting etc. To achieve this we plan to stay in the hotel the wedding is being held in the night before the wedding and the night of the wedding, including hiring a babysitter to sit in the room should one of our children (who will be 2 and 4) wish to go to bed before we are ready to.

So, essentially, we want to stand on our own 2 feet, not rely on in-laws for accomodation, babysitting, transport, and therefore opt out of being drawn into any of the endless discussions, planning, and arguments that may well take place on the lead up to this wedding.

However. This is unlikely to go down well - they are simply expecting us to stay with them, MIL has a slight history with other grandchildren of babysitting but being a great big martyr about it but not really giving any other choice and not really letting people realise she's not happy about it until after its happened, etc etc. Not with me, I've never allowed it to happen, and I dont really want to get drawn into it.

We had a brief discussion with the bride at Christmas that we were thinking of getting accomodation in the hotel of the wedding. She seemed to think this was a good idea and that we should go for it. We didn't mention the night before, to be fair, but I dont see how that will upset the actual bride in any way.

Bearing in mind we are not about to ruin anybody's wedding, AIBU to potentially upset the inlaws by doing what will be seen as a "snub" and arranging for and paying for our own accomodation and babysitting, for reasons of avoidance of can't-win situations and overcrowded and potentially tense surroundings?

I'm thinking on the face of it it doesn't seem like we ABU but we dont live nearby, only visit once or twice a year, and they very much enjoy having us stay. DH is positive, deep down, that it hasn't even occured to them that we wont be, and I'm wondering if we should tread eggshells, just come out with it, nor not even do it seeing its mainly for our own personal comfort and enjoyment.

Views?

oh pleeease

TBH I hate staying at people's houses though, I'm just miserable. Much prefer my own space in a hotel room

Book it and then say to them that you are 'treating yourselves' and how excited you are about it all. Or could your dh say that he has booked it as a treat for you, or vice versa?

Tbh I wouldn't try to justify it to the ils in terms of giving them more space, bathroom time, etc, in case they try to say that they don't mind and you should still stay with them.

Oh okay then just for you

Polyester sheets - the shiny kind. Not usually a massive problem but when I was there this Xmas with flu I was sweating it out on these things and I could have strangled whoever it was who chose them (could have been MIL or FIL) for how horrible and polyester they were.

No decent mirror of any kind, anywhere. Tiny crap one in bathroom and can't plug in any kind of straighteners/hairdryer or any kind of stuff like that. Have to remember, among everything else, to bring a fecking mirror when you stay there.

They have one shower, but were too tight to install an extractor fan, so this tiny room where the shower is, is dripping wet and steamy as hell and just awful, you end up feeling no cleaner, just greasier somehow.

Due to all this extra moisture, the house stinks. It smells musty, sort of wet and mildewy. Everything in the house smells of it. They smell of it. Their clothes smell of it. When we stay there, we smell of it. My hair smells of it. Our clothes smell of it when we come back, and I end up washing everything, not just the stuff we have worn. DH hates it too, doesn't quite know when the house started to smell that way, but doesn't particularly appreciate it but it isn't generally a huge issue to be fair. When they stay with us, the spare room smells of it for a good few days after they have gone.

The food is shit. Not a problem, not everyone cooks exactly to my specifications, and I doubt I do to theirs either.

They are teetotal and frown upon anyone who drinks anything, except DH, because the sun shines out of his bottom, but that doesn't extend to me.

They are boring and have the TV on full blast all the time. You can't hear yourself think.

Oh I could go on. But I wont really. I've just come back from there after Xmas and am looking forward to "getting out of" staying there in Sept, like a get out of jail free card. Kids love em, and have fun there, can't complain really, just want to enjoy the wedding for what it is without any of the crap mentioned above getting in the way, but most of all the little political issues with babysitting, taxi-ing, etc...

Book it, pay a deposit.

Then blithely drop it heavily into conversation right before the event or when asked.

'Oh did SIL not tell you? we agreed it with her AGES ago...'

That's basically it.

You have until September, grow a rhino hide...

I'm definitely going to book it ASAP. Just in case some guilt trippy scenario comes about that makes DH second guess...

You have made the right descision, without a doubt.

They might get a bit shirty when you tell them, but they won't let it ruin the wedding I'm sure.

Could you twist it into some kind of 'Don't want to put any pressure on the Mother of the Bride as she is special and will have other things to think about'?

Have you done this before for other weddings?

If so, could you just say that it is your family tradition that you always stay at the wedding hotel for a wedding, you love how much more relaxed the day is, it turns it into a mini holiday and that because it was the wedding that you were coming up for rather than to visit them per se, given the distance of their house from the wedding venue and the fact that they would have a full house with other sil etc there, it just never occured to you that they would expect you to stay there, your first thought was whoopee we get to stay at a nice hotel?

And also state up front that there is no way that you would ever dream of asking your mil to babysit as you couldn't possibly be responsible for her missing SIL's evening wedding party, it would be mean and irresponible to ask you and anyhow, SIL would never forgive you if she thought that her mum wouldn't be there just because she thought she ought to be babysitting when you know how MIL would love to be at her daughter's wedding (assuming that sil won't mind being invoked in this way!)

Definitely think you ought to be in the hotel - so much easier and nicer. If it was a friend's wedding you were going to and another friend or family member offered you accomodation not very near by, you wouldn't think twice about turning them down if the situation were friends rather than relations.

But definitely think you should go for the 'never occured to us that we would be staying with you' route if they haven't actually discussed it with you and be very confused and perplexed when they finally say something - and making sure that anything you say to them as to why you are not staying to them can't be turned around as a problem that needs fixing that they will think they can then do something about, whereas if you are all positive about what you want they won't be able to turn it around so easily.

And you can always fall back on 'and anyway, don't be such a silly billy, there's no where near enough space for everybody to be getting ready for a weddingin your house when we all need to be leaving by xx in the morning, much nicer more sensible to see you there and we'll visit before/after (as per previous posts)'

book the hotel straight away and be really excited about it when telling them. use the you can't babysit on your daughters wedding night reason and say DH wants to be able to have a dance later on with his mum.

Totally book the room!

I hate staying anywhere with not enough toilets and bathrooms to go round. Obviously put up with it when I have to for family's sake but, on this occasion, the hotel sounds like the best choice all round.

Will be nice to have the room there for an escape if your children get tired/bored etc. I'm a boring, anti-social old fart and would probably head up there with a book while the photographs were being taken (once I'd been in any I had to be in) with the excuse that the little one needed a nap!

I'd not be too quick to offer use of the room/toilet etc to PIL either in case they were in there half the day (I'd feel a bit invaded) wait and see if they ask!

Book and say you got it through an internet provider that insist you pay upfront and won't get it back.

Yanbu btw

Gosh that's a good point AllGoodNames, that boring bit between the ceremony and the dinner bit, if its going badly with the kids etc, they can be brought to our room and entertained or have a DVD for a while, even, if they are getting anstey. I'm sure they wont, and that they'd rather be playing with their cousins, but it feels so great to have the OPTION!

Yep, I'm going to ring up now and book it. It doesn't sound like an unreasonble thing to do - I thought I'd check, sometimes you think you are doing something reasonable but if everyone had said "are you sure you can't just suck it up for the day, they obviously want you to stay" etc I might have actually rethinked!

Right, phone and credit card, here we come.

Booked it! Yay I am actually looking forward to this wedding now. Which for the bride is the main thing! Hell, it might even be handy having someone at the venue the day before and the morning of, who knows, it might save her a trip out there if she's got a spy.

I reckon MIL will be miffed but will get over it, plan around it and probably think it wasn't such a bad plan in the end.

Thanks all for your assurances - much as I love to hate the old goat I dont want to cause any family angst and I think with all the helpful responses I've got enough "material" if anyone seems offended. Half the problem is DH, he is a man of few words when it comes to his family so the main thing is I try and avoid him just dropping it into coversation and saying "there's no bloody room at your house is there!" and pissing people off, as men people are inclined to do!

It makes sooo much sense for you to stay there after the wedding - babysitting, a bolt hole for the children etc - why on earth would you stay at MIL the night before and then pack up and move for the night after?

You have done the right thing and that's without considering the smelly polyester angle.

But if/when it comes up just say "well of course we are staying at the hotel" in a well that's completely obvious why would we not type way.

I'm so glad we are staying at the hotel. I can just imagine a scenario where DH is drafted in to drive their dreadful 7 seater as a mini bus for various dregs friends of the bride who live in our village, meaning we end up leaving when they want to, not to mention having to stay sober, etc etc. He's a sitting duck for that kind of thing if we are travelling to and from. Whereas if we were travelling to and from, we'd probably have enough on our hands with our own kids, car seats, etc without having to do that kind of thing.

I dont mind helping the bride with things though if she wants - we are not in the bridal party or anything so she should have most things covered, but if there is anything needing doing at the venue in the morning or anything I can certainly do that. Dont mind helping if it suits us a bit too!

But like I said I'm actually looking forward to it now. Our room rate was much less than I thought too (bonus!) by about £40 a night and it includes breakfast. (Hello fry up). Nice hot showers, plenty of space to get ready, not owing anyone any favours, not relying on anyone to make things happen. I love being independent!