To not want to give in to 'everyone else has got...'

[MissRead]

This is my first AIBU post so please be gentle with me :) And apologies if this has been done before

My DD is 8 1/2 and has just informed me that she's the only girl in her class not to have a mobile phone. I am really annoyed about this - I hate to think of her feeling left out but equally I don't want to be pushed into doing something I don't agree with just because everyone else has.

We have the lower/middle/upper school system here so she will be changing schools this summer and I'd decided we'd probably get her a phone then as she will be travelling to middle school a few miles away on the bus and I have heard of occasional problems eg bus doesn't turn up etc. But I see absolutely no reason for her to have a phone before then. She does play out when the weather's better but only in the streets either side of ours so very near home (and predictably most of her friends are allowed a lot further), she's never anywhere else without an adult so why does she need a phone? I detest the way kids are pushed into growing up so fast and I know if she has a phone she will be playing with it the whole time, wanting to call or text friends and angling for something flasher than the basic model I've got in mind :(

My DH got my 15 year old a Blackberry (without discussing it with me) and it has also been a disaster. He is totally and utterly obsessed with being in contact with people 24 hours a day, which I find quite tragic, and not normal.

Some children got a mobile when my dd was in y6 for their 11th birthdays. Most had to wait until the move to secondary school. Find it very strange that 8-1/2 year olds are receiving mobile phones as the norm.

i was another one with a very strict mum. i was genuinely the ONLY one made to wear a uniform all the time in a non uniform school, not even able to wear jeans on school trips she made me wear extra smart uniform because i was 'representing the school' !! - oh the humiliation. she stood firm on loads of other things too. yes i got singled out but its not that bad, i developed spirit from an early age and ended up being proud that i wasnt exactly like all the other kids. it is still something that is said of me 30 odd years later.
in short she may be the only one (unlikely though) and is she is, she will get over it.

my DD1 is 8 - she wants - high heels, a mobile, a lap top, a boy friend etc

My response - over my rotting festering corpse - I care not a jot what 'other kids' have - she is MY child - when she starts big school we will DISCUSS some of the above - NB discuss not agree to

I don't know if it's reasonable, I don't have an 8 year old. But it seems to me to be overprotective. Not to pull out the old chestnut "when I was that age" but I do remember being allowed to do a lot more on my own than OP's DD seems to be. We mostly stayed around home but the local park, friends' houses, school, etc. (all several blocks away) were all places we could go by ourselves. During school holidays and breaks, we were in and out of the house and all around the neighbourhood all day, and my parents didn't need to supervise us everywhere we went (within reason of course). Is it that different nowadays? Honest question, as I really don't know.

But I'm more a fan of streetproofing your kids and teaching them to think critically and act responsibly and be independent than I am of sheltering them because "they seem to behave like mini teenagers once they hit middle school" -- surely you want to help them transition to that and not encounter a great big shocking world because they've never been on their own without an adult around before?

Anyway this is OT, this doesn't mean I think your DD needs a phone or needs "what everyone else has got". It's a fine line, I agree.

Well I don't let my 9 year old DD out on her own. I drop her off at activities and collect her but she does not roam the streets like so many feral children in our neighbourhood (like the ones who threw eggs at our window for 'fun' till the police caught them!)

DS1 coped perfectly well with the transition to more independence at 10/11 when he started walking to some activities and going to the library on his own while I was in town. DS2 has just started going out occasionally on his own at 10.

And yes, I had loads more freedom. The amount of traffic has significantly increased since I was small and the area we live in is not great either.

MissRead, stand firm - everybody rarely actually means that. And if it does, it won't hurt her to wait another 6 months or so.

Thanks again, lots of really good advice here. Wanted to add, I am gradually increasing the amount of freedom I give DD and will continue to do so between now and September so that she isn't suddenly thrown in at the deep end when she starts middle school.

Unfortunately I think this phone thing is the thin end of the wedge, parents round here seem to be a lot less strict than most of the people on this thread. I know if I give in to a phone in 5 minutes it will be pierced ears, TV in the bedroom, high heels and make-up or whatever 'everyone else' is doing

Just to say though, my DD does have a DS (which her uncle bought her), a laptop (cheap second hand one as we use Macs) and my old iPod shuffle, so she is not totally deprived!

Well that sounds about right for an eight and a half year old.

Neither my children not any of their friends have had much more at your daughter's age - dd does have pierced ears though and I instigated it at 10 because I knew it would happen eventually and I preferred it to happen without a fight. She went along with me not the other way round.

Fellatio my dd got a blackberry for Christmas and she is glued to it. Fucking thing.

When she goes to school I am taking it off her for a couple of hours at night, and keeping it in my room when she goes to sleep. Otherwise she will be on it constantly.

That's what I've told my DH we will have to do, but DS will not be happy about it - not at all. The child gets texts and calls all through the flipping night! Does anyone between 13 and 30 actually get any sleep any more?

Some mornings I go in to wake him up and it's still in his hand. (the phone ) I'd be less concerned if it was his willy TBH. And he goes straight to his phone to check his messages within about 5 seconds of opening his eyes every morning. It's not right.

I got up to go to the loo the other night and thought I could hear talking - went onto the landing and heard him having a conversation with some girl - at 2am.

(I knew it was a girl beacuse he had it on loud speaker.)

I know fellatio - I have exactly the same thing.

DD was speaking to her friend at midnight the other night. And she messages all the time. I was not that bothered about it too much during the holidays but bloody hell am taking the thing away at night.

No wonder they call them crackberries.

I agree with the poster who said that they need them when they start going out alone.

My DD is 7, and I like her to have the freedom I had in childhood. Thankfully, in our safe rural village lots of parents feel the same, and there are a good half dozen children who call for each other, go to the park together and generally play out together in the local neighborhood. Its lovely, and its proper playing, but it does mean that DD can be out and about and then I have to go traipsing round the street trying to find her. So she has a mobile. This way I'm happy with her out playing, I can contact her when needed, and more importantly, she can contact me. I'd rather she had a phone and the freedom to play properly than stuck indoors playing on the Xbox all the time.