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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give in to 'everyone else has got...'

64 replies

MissRead · 03/01/2011 18:02

This is my first AIBU post so please be gentle with me :) And apologies if this has been done before

My DD is 8 1/2 and has just informed me that she's the only girl in her class not to have a mobile phone. I am really annoyed about this - I hate to think of her feeling left out but equally I don't want to be pushed into doing something I don't agree with just because everyone else has.

We have the lower/middle/upper school system here so she will be changing schools this summer and I'd decided we'd probably get her a phone then as she will be travelling to middle school a few miles away on the bus and I have heard of occasional problems eg bus doesn't turn up etc. But I see absolutely no reason for her to have a phone before then. She does play out when the weather's better but only in the streets either side of ours so very near home (and predictably most of her friends are allowed a lot further), she's never anywhere else without an adult so why does she need a phone? I detest the way kids are pushed into growing up so fast and I know if she has a phone she will be playing with it the whole time, wanting to call or text friends and angling for something flasher than the basic model I've got in mind :(

OP posts:
bumpybecky · 03/01/2011 18:41

yanbu

dd1 and dd2 are both in middle school, neither has a mobile. We've agreed dd1 can have one in September when she moves to upper school (year 9)

sue52 · 03/01/2011 18:43

As your daughter doesn't go out on her own she does not need a mobile. Are you sure everyone else has one? I would have a word with a few of her friends parents, you might find your DD is not the only one to be without a mobile.

earwicga · 03/01/2011 18:43

thenightsky - I like your style :)

DilysPrice · 03/01/2011 18:46

I agree with Starbuck, it makes sense for some young children to have them, just like it will make sense for the OP's DD in 6 months time. DD's best mate (aged 9) has separated parents neither of whom have landlines, and flits back and forth between then and GPs all the time. I know it's not a luxury for him to have a mobile, but I also know that he's practically alone in the class in having one, and DD knows there's not a chance in hell that she's getting one before secondary school.

DilysPrice · 03/01/2011 18:49

Oh, and loving nightsky's questionnaire Grin

KerryMumbles · 03/01/2011 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chatelaine · 03/01/2011 18:52

When you give in make sure you make it a basic model that is just a telephone/text. Perhaps it's worth exploring that idea with your dc now and be firm and stick to that. Give her confidence that she has the ability to call you for help and what else does she really need? Others will inevitably have all the latest blah blah but it will be an early lesson in having something fit for purpose. I know it's difficult and sensitive. The yg are obsessed with these gadgets, they and parents are hugely exploited imo. I remember running down the road to find the nearest telephone box! What a public service that was.

sharbie · 03/01/2011 18:53

don't believe the stories about everyone else having one

one word explanation is enough - tough Smile

JalepenoGirl · 03/01/2011 19:09

its just the same as when kids try to trick us into letting them stay up late or get extra sweets or out of trouble, they seem to forget that we were kids once and have been there done that so we know at least most of the tricks :)

Original poster
MissRead · 03/01/2011 19:18

Thanks for all the responses, it's reassuring that so many people feel the same way as I do but depressing that none of the parents round here seem to :(

In fairness to my DD I think it's likely she is one of the only ones, there's only about 12 of them in the class and I know many of them have had phones for a while.

I feel bad about this as like another poster, my Mum was quite strict and I was often not allowed to do/have something that others did/had. But I know giving into this is a slippery slope so I think I need to stick to my guns.

OP posts:
notmyproblem · 03/01/2011 20:13

She's 8.5 years old and is only allowed within a one street radius of your home?

She's never anywhere without an adult?

Hmm

Mobile phone aside, it sounds to me like you're fairly overprotective of her. I could be wrong, but it's probably not surprising her friends are allowed to do more and she's jealous.

Since she's changing schools and going to travel further away, how about giving her a bit more freedom now, so that when you unleash that basic mobile phone on her in 8 months she'll be able to handle it?

JamieLeeCurtis · 03/01/2011 20:17

YANBU. My sons both want DS, and a fair few of their friends have them, but I won't be getting one for them.

Just to say, my DS is 10 and NONE of his friends have a mobile - AFAIK, no-one in his class either. The normal thing here (central-ish London) seems to be year 6 when they are allowed to go home from school alone, or even later, when they start senior school

JamieLeeCurtis · 03/01/2011 20:18

Also, it seems to me that girls are much keener to have them than boys. I may be wrong about this ...

Fillybuster · 03/01/2011 20:20

YANBU
Leaving aside the question of 'at what age should dcs have phones' for a moment (as I can't comment, as dc1 is still only 5, thank god) I'm with Pagwatch (as usual) on the response to 'everyone else has one/is allowed to etc'.
My mother used to point out that a) she wasn't anyone elses' mother and so didn't give a stuff what they were allowed to do, and that b) 'everyone else' usually meant x, y, z and possibly 2 more people. I think she even challenged me, once, that if I could prove that everyone else in my class of 30 was allowed to do something, then she would actually let me....Grin
So don't give into emotional blackmail, as that is what your DD is after, stick to your parenting guns, and make your own decisions :)

btbetty · 03/01/2011 20:21

DS 10 has a phone but it's a cheap touch screen phone rather than the iphone he wanted Grin
It wasn't anything to do with everyone else having one but because I wanted him to have one for when he goes out to play or so he can call us if wants to stay late at rugby practice etc.

He pays for his top ups out of his pocket money and rarely goes through more than £20 per month.

Original poster
MissRead · 03/01/2011 21:21

Notmyproblem does that sound really unreasonable to you then? (Cant cut and paste but only playing near home, never without an adult). I'm never sure when I am being overprotective but I tend to feel that other parents round here allow their kids way too much freedom and let them behave much older than their years. Changing schools at this age only seems to exacerbate that as well, they seem to behave like mini teenagers once they hit middle school and while I don't want that for DD I really don't want to baby her either.

OP posts:
btbetty · 03/01/2011 21:27

Notmyproblem - my DS is 10 and other than playing out in our avenue he is never anywhere else without an adult - is this really not normal??

We do live in quite an isolated area though and there really isn't anywhere he could go unless it's into next doors farm to talk to the sheep etc.

We have dropped him and some friends at the cinema or TGI Fridays and picked them up again but we don't go away :o we 'lurk' to make sure they are ok.

wATEwatcher · 03/01/2011 21:45

Heh heh, my poor DS1 (also 8 1/2) seems to be the only child in his class without a PSP, Nintendo DS, phone, Wii...

Tough Grin

pointydog · 03/01/2011 21:58

I'm fairly easy-oasy about this sort of thing. But I suppose the dds ahven't pestered too mcuh about anything.

pointydog · 03/01/2011 21:58

They got dss for birthdays aged about 8/9. Don't see what's wrong with them

FellatioNelson · 03/01/2011 22:03

My DS is 11 and a 1/2 and still hasn't got one. He happily acknowledges that he doesn't really need one yet, as I still do his school run, and he doesn't yet go out much without me.

I think 8.5 is way too young. My other two got them when they atrted senoir school. My 15 year old is SO worringly obsessed with his phone and cannot go more than 5 mins without sending or receiving a text or call, that I am more than happy to make my youngest DS wait as long as possible before this hideous warped habit starts.

Lamorna · 03/01/2011 22:11

They won't all have them and, even if they do, does it matter? Do your own thing. I have found that it is never true.

FellatioNelson · 03/01/2011 22:13

I've learnt to read between the lines with the 'everybody else has' or the 'everybody else does' argument. It's usually rubbish.

MumsMunchkin · 03/01/2011 22:36

I have fallen for this 'but everyone one else had one/I'm the only one who has'nt got one' so many bloody times because I am such a soft git.

When DD started secondary school two years back she was given a cheap pay as you go phone as I knew she would lose it - she did. Then she wanted a Prada phone as [whines] 'all the other kids have got one'. It was scratched and wrecked within 3 months. I have had it with Converse All Stars trainers (only two of the other kids had them on when I dropped her off for a school trip abroad which of course EVERYONE was going on - yeah 90 out of 400 kids).

I have also fallen for the Blackberry phone and Laptop one which was a big mistake as she is never off them! All her friends have Iphones though so still not happy Angry.

I really wish I had been stronger with her earlier on and said No. She has turned into a spoilt little madam.

pointydog · 03/01/2011 22:38

oh lordy, I would never spend loads of cash on blackberries and iphones and heaven knows what

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