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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To someimes not do housework?

26 replies

WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/01/2011 13:24

I work from home...2 DDs aged 6 and 2. WOrking from home and looking after little DD is hard at tims but I don't earn enoughto cover childcare atm.

I do most of my work in the evenings.

DH has just returned from a stint working abroad and is now looking for more work..were living on my earnings....which we can JUST do...by cutting back a lot.

He is looking hard and will get something soon...but in the meantime he is here in the house and is moaning at me to put my clothes away...they're folded up in the bedroom.

I can't BEAR being told what to do domestically...I HATE it. I know I should do it...we share the space....but I am knackered...was up working till 1.00am then up with DDs and making breakfast, washing up.

DH does his fair share of housework but is very anal picky about things...nothing I do is up to his standards.

Hs Mother incidentally just about wipes the arses of the men in her life and I feel like he wants me to run the house like her.

Last night he said "You're like a bloke! Messy and disorganised!"

I don't care...should I?

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Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/01/2011 13:26

He says I'm lazy too...am pissed off by him. He nags at me....on and on....feel cornered.

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mutznutz · 03/01/2011 13:28

Nope! What's wrong with him doing all the housework and childcare while he's not working and you are?

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/01/2011 13:31

He says he needs to dedicate all day to job searching!

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moondog · 03/01/2011 13:32

How much work does your work entail?
How many hours a day?
Working from home with 2 little kids sounds very difficult.

hge need to do his bit but you both need to work out a routine/systyem that you then just maintain.

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/01/2011 13:33

I AM messy and laid back about housework...but it's partly to do with the fact that the walls need repainting and every time I try to make the house look nice I am put off by the little DIY jobs he won't do.

Things like painting shelves and finishing stuff...

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Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/01/2011 13:35

Moon

I work from 7.30pm to round 1.00am nightly...but my work is such that I could do with ome more time in the day to get on with things/get more work.

I never get to just sit down in the evenings and watch tv or chill out and read.

I have to go for it full on.

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RobynLou · 03/01/2011 13:35

if he's not working and you're working till 1am and caring for the dcs then he needs to either pick up a lot of the housework or just let it lie, I work a very similar pattern to you - often late into the night, from home, can't afford childcare, DH works full time, but he understands that I work all day and all night too, he 'just' works all day and so on his days off and in the evenings he picks up the slack alot to allow me to work.

RobynLou · 03/01/2011 13:37

oh wimple you could be me, it's bloody hard isn't it.

I've only got one DD atm and she's been going to preschool which has been heaven, but I'm 37weeks pg now so it's all about to get crazy again.

moondog · 03/01/2011 13:37

That's pretty much f/t.
Sit down and work out a system-jobs to do and so on.

My dh is away and I work f/t with 2 kids but manage it because of a routine.
When he comes home every 6 weeks, the 1st thing we do is go throguh the lsit of what needs to be done.
Sounds boring but it isn't because we quickly deal with the mundane and can get on with the fun stuff.

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/01/2011 13:37

I'm getting upset now...feel crap that he can't just bloody put my stuff away for me. I do his often enough. Yesterday I took all the decorations down and spring cleaned the sitting room....I am the one who crafts with the kids and reads to them. He's a dickhead at times.

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Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/01/2011 13:41

Oh well...I'd better go and bloody put it all away.

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RobynLou · 03/01/2011 13:42

you need to explain to him the pressure you're under, the hours you're working and that you need his support.

I really couldn't do it without my DH supporting me, and I don't have the pressure of being the main earner on top of everything else.

he does need time to jobhunt, it does take time to find/apply for jobs, but he needs to spend maybe 2-3 hours a day doing that, a specific time slot with a beginning and an end - he'll get more done with a time limit to focus him, then he can help you out the rest of the time.

While he's not working you should be having an easier time not a harder one.

NewYearNewPants · 03/01/2011 13:44

You are working and earning, therefore he should be doing the bulk of housework and childcare until he gets a job. Come on, you can't job hunt all day.

He could job-hunt, say, every morning for 4 hours, do an hour's housework and and then take the kids off your hands in the afternoon.

He is the one who sounds lazy and disorganised!

onceamai · 03/01/2011 13:45

Poor you. Would it help if you say something like, I'll go and tidy up if you can keep the children occupied doing, x, y and z or take them out. You then pretend it took twice as long to deal with and get a rest/read a book out of it too. Sometimes you just have to play them at their own game.

mutznutz · 03/01/2011 13:51

But if the lack of painting is what makes you not want to do housework, why didn't you do the painting while he was working abroad? He couldn't do both could he?

Other than that, he sounds like a complete control freak.

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/01/2011 14:18

I do try to tell him about the pressure I'm under and I do tell him things like "If you would take the kids to the park for an hour, I could finish this article/make the beds/do the dishes" and he always reacts with something like "I have to look for a job!"

And starts panicking.

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Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/01/2011 14:19

When he was working abroad mutz...I had t do everything...alone. I have no help at all from family. Painting the house wasn't feasable as well as school run, childcare, housework, shopping etc. Plus I have no car with which to go to the DIY shop!

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RobynLou · 03/01/2011 15:35

"And starts panicking"

I think thats the important bit.

you need to instill some routine and define your days so that he knows from x to x he's jobhunting, then he's doing something else, then having the kids while you work etc.

I always find there's less panicking if there's a list and a timetable!

RockChick1984 · 03/01/2011 15:48

My dh was made redundant early 2010, have just asked him an he said there's no way anyone could spend more than 3 hours a day looking fo jobs, once u have done the initial trawl of all websites etc. Job centre once a week, and a daily look on websites at newly added vacancies, and applying for anything remotely suitable still doesn't add up to anywhere near a full day! Can he not do this in the evenings once dc are in bed, you can work in the afternoons (for example) and he can call any vacancies he wants to contact in the mornings? Also don't see why you should be expected to do everything anyway, I'm sure if he was main earner in house he wouldn't expect to be lumbered with all the jobs around the house! Just as an aside, my dh got really demoralised if he spent too much time job hunting as he didn't find anything else compared to if he only spent 2/3 hrs looking so felt like he was wasting his days xxx

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/01/2011 17:04

It's early days I suppose...he's been re-doing his CV which has taken time...he's Australian and veeeeeerrrry slooooow about doing things...laid back to the point of comtose!

He applied for 4 jobs yesterday and it took most of the day to find them, write the applications and send them!

Need to put a tiny toe up his lovely Antipodean arse maybe.

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TryLikingClarity · 03/01/2011 17:13

"Need to put a tiny toe up his lovely Antipodean arse maybe."

Your DH needs a good boot in the backside, not just a tiny toe!

I am Shock

You need a medal for doing all those things, even though you seem to be being taken for a mug.

YANBU!!!

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/01/2011 17:50

I think I'm being a bit softly softly because he has had some ups and downs but always manages to sort things out and he's always been a very good provider in the past. He's having a career crisis..and I don't want to crush his energy to change his path.

But I wish he wouldn't NAG! He has apologised though.

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coccyx · 03/01/2011 18:42

Don't be a doormat. Many hands make light work

Recipient30D · 03/01/2011 19:31

agree with RockChick - he needs to organise his time better, My (now seperated) Husband has been unemployed since March, and yes, you can only do so much online networking/searching a day.

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 03/01/2011 19:37

The thing is that he is actually very very organised...he just takes HOURS to do things.

SO he moans aboutthe laundry not realising that I simply do not HAVE an hour in which to fold, organise and put things away...the kids need something or I'm waiting on an email etc.

I tend to do just what's needed to tick over...and that sometimes means chucking things on a chair.

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