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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dread my sons getting married...

73 replies

tubsywubsy · 02/01/2011 21:36

....as judging by the many mother in law threads on aibu, my daughters in law are more than likely to hate me.
My own MIL was lovely. Sure she had her foibles, but don't we all?
I appreciate that some MILs may be particularly difficult, but I do worry about the levels of hatred that I see on so many threads.
Please assure me that being the mother of sons does not automatically make me a harridan!

OP posts:

jellybeans · 02/01/2011 23:29

I have MIL and step MIL. Step MIL lovely as is FIL. MIL though was shocking. I 'took her son away' in her eyes and she offered to pay to abort DD1. The problem was she controlled DH and didn't want to let him go, she lived through him. She then made it clear she wanted DH and the DC but while treating me like shit. I refused and we minimised contact until eventually she had to be nicer to me and DH stood up to her. Amazingly, 15 years later we all get on quite well as we have learned that we all gain by tolerating each other and it's easier than awkwardness.

I have 3 DS and 2 DD. I worry about being a good MIL but I am sensitive and easy going unlike MIL who is dominant and negative about everyone other than herself.

TheLittleRaccoon · 03/01/2011 01:09

I think the key is how much you see them.

My MIL was a tactless old racist, but since we only saw her for an hour a week I could cope with the "Ooh, aren't there a lot of blackies on children's TV nowadays?" and "Ooh, haven't you put weight on?" type comments.

If we'd had to see her more often I'd probably have shot her.

Morloth · 03/01/2011 02:06

I love my MIL, she is one of the best people I know.

I love my sons and they are a MASSIVE part of my life/who I am, but they are only part of my identity not all. I think that is the main problem so many women have, whether DIL/MIL it is the jockeying for control over the man in the equation.

I don't feel the need to control my husband and when the time comes I will not need to control my adult sons.

TBH I think most of the DILs I see posting on Mumsnet complaining about what seem to be perfectly normal MILs are the nightmare MILs of tomorrow.

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/01/2011 10:35

YANBU, I'm dreading it too based on all the hate for MIL's that is shown on this site.

Just remember to not have your own life so that you can be on beck and call for babysitting, check out any presents before you buy them, dont keep anything at your house for the baby or you will be seen as taking over, dont ever be honest, dont offer any advice and dont remind your DIL that her husband is your son

MoonUnitAlpha · 03/01/2011 10:39

You aren't going to see many AIBU threads titled "my MIL is perfectly nice and we get along fine" though are you?

I get on fine with my MIL though, and she sees her son a lot more often since I came along than she did before actually!

GwennieF · 03/01/2011 10:48

My MIL is lovely - a far nicer MIL than my own DM. She's brilliant with both my DCs and it's a pleasure to spend time with her and FIL.

differentnameforthis · 03/01/2011 10:54

My MIL is the mother I never had! I don't speak to my mum, haven't since I left home.

MIL treats me much the same as she treats her daughter, very equal & fair in all she does.

carocaro · 03/01/2011 11:03

I have sons also and this has crossed my mine and with my MIL experience I will be doing the following:-

Not sticking my nose in unless advice asked for.

Not bringing large bowels of sweets to the table before grandchildren have finished dinner.

Not letting them watch DVD that are too violent/scary when babysitting eg: Indianna Jones and the Crystal Skull when kids are 3 and 7 and then have to deal with the nightmares.

Not constantly compaing and contrasting grandchildren with son eg: my husband.

Not talking with my mouth full at every meal spitting food across the table.

Not constantly slagging of their state primary school and thinking because their education is not PRIVATE it's dreadfull (DH went to private school and I got better results at state schools)

Those would be my rules.

FakePlasticTrees · 03/01/2011 11:14

My MIL is lovely - we have a much better relationship now I have done what she wanted - and produced a gorgeous grandchild! She was somewhat intimidating when I first met her, house like a show home all the time, food that makes Delia look like she's just gone to Iceland etc. But she's sweetly pretends she can't see the mess in our house, tells me my cooking is wonderful (and goes on about how wonderful it is to be cooked for rather than have to do all the cooking) and it's really hard not to warm to someone who so obviously adores your child.

Most importantly, just because they give you keys to their house for emergancies, still ring the bell and wait to be let in when you go round. My MIL does this, my Mum doesn't for my brother's house. This annoys my brother's DP.

swanandduck · 03/01/2011 16:47

YANBU. When I read some of the more ridiculous diatribes against MILs on here I think 'Janey, wait until their kids get married. They'll get a right wake up call'.

tiredemma · 03/01/2011 16:51

My MIL is a lovely, beautiful, amazing woman. She is such a good friend to me.

My boys adore her.

SantaClausImWorthIt · 03/01/2011 17:00

I have a lovely MIL (although she can still drive me mad sometimes!).

I'm looking forward to having a daughter-in-law (am only likely to have one as DS1 is gay, so I'm probably going to have a son-in-law ).

But my greatest fear is that DS2 will choose a girl that I don't like, for whatever reason. I have vowed that even if that is the case, I will be kind/nice/considerate. I just really hope that we get on.

And if there are any grandchildren (which I very much hope there will be), then I am firmly resolved not to stick my oar in unless asked (which I know will be hard!), and to remember that things will have changed totally since I had my babies.

BuzzLightBeer · 03/01/2011 17:04

I wouldn't joke about them marrying an orphan. My MIL's friend thinks its funny to joke about my MIL getting lucky as her sons have married foreigners and orphans.
Since I'm both I find it less funny.

KERALA1 · 03/01/2011 18:54

Most of my mum friends have great MILs. Things they have done include:

Turning up with a car full of home baked lasagnes and casseroles when friend got out of hospital with new baby

Paying off the mortgage

Driving 2 hours to see new baby, bringing own lunch then driving home again so as not to be a bother.

Sadly my own MIL is a very very odd woman but cling to these stories of happy relationships.

mutznutz · 03/01/2011 19:18

I have a lovely MIL, a lovely ex MIL and my Mum was lovely too.

I have 3 boys and no daughters. I'll try to be the best MIL I can...but at the end of the day there are some pretty argumentative DILS out there too aren't there?

A friend of mine that I've known since we were teens has never got on with any of her boyfriend's mothers and she doesn't get on with her MIL now either...yet it's never her fault

MsKLo · 03/01/2011 19:26

My biggest bugbear is when MiL's want 'rights' over their grandkids like they are their own - don't ever do that! Oh and treat your DiL like she was your own daughter - love and cherish her!

Lamorna · 03/01/2011 19:40

I think that hopefully your DSs marry a woman like their mother and you will get on! If you get on with your own MIL then there is a good chance that what goes around, comes around.

pagwatch · 03/01/2011 19:47

I like to hope that there is a perfect t circle of unreasonableness. I think the barking challenging women who come on here to rant about some unwitting passer by commenting on the weather or their Childs outfit as in, 'ffs why couldn't the mosey old baaagg just fuck off implying I hadn't dressed my own dc warmly enough ..fucking nosy fucking caaaaaww. " are the nightmare mils of the future.

I like to imagine that they end up with a sill just like them one day in a perfect circle of selfish intolerance.

But I think most mils and most dills are perfectly nice to each other. They both have people they love in common so try to rub along nicely.

ledkr · 03/01/2011 19:49

I am a mil and adore my dil we are greta friends and speak every day,i dont boss her around and always check its ok to go round or do anything,i respect their life as a couple and parents and do not intrude on things they have planned and criticise their choices.
My mil however is the opposite to this but has many nice qualities.
In my experience its the dhs who create the conflicts by not speaking to the pil about stuff which then turns into a bigger problem,things always sound better coming from your own family and when dils either harbour resentment or have to speak up it gets messy.

clam · 03/01/2011 20:00

Stop me if any of you have heard this before, but my lovely (late ) MIL was a Godsend in all respects, but most particularly when DH and I both had real flu once, when DCs were about 2 and 4. She turned up with paracetamol, soup and satsumas (all we could face), scooped up both kids, a couple of binbags full of dirty washing and took them all away, returning them a few days later (fed and ironed, so to speak) when we could lift our heads off the pillow.

Bahhhumbug · 03/01/2011 20:30

My m-i-l is the mother of four sons - I affectionately call her Ma Baker and she has 3 daughters in law including me and one unofficial d-i-l - live in partner of 18years service of her youngest son.

Every single one of us BahhumbugsDHsfamilyname WAGs love her to bits. She is a widow and lives alone and we all ring her up regularly or go and see her and can talk to her about anything - even call our respective other halves/sons of hers fit to burn and she never takes sides or interferes. I think thats her secret. That and she is just a really lovely lady as I am sure you are tubsywubsy.

MyBrainIsOutOfTune · 04/01/2011 08:33

I love my MIL. In the beginning she got on my nerves constantly because I wasn't used to the dynamics of DH's family (calling each other every week and actually having opinions about each other's business ), but now I actually like her better than my own mother. I feel I know her better, too, even though I've known her for twenty-something years less! Someone said that if they were to have someone with them when giving birth, it would have to be their own mother. If I had to have one of them, I'd actually choose MIL. Or I'd want to choose her. I wouldn't, because I wouldn't want to hurt my mother. Sigh.

My worry is that everything will change when BILs find someone to marry. Then I won't be the only girl anymore! (how sad is that)

QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 04/01/2011 08:41

It is actually quite interesting.

My husband has two cousins. Male. His aunt is absolutely LOVELY, and we are close. I joke that she is my real MIL (as I dont get on with my mil) and she jokes I am her dil. She and dh are very close, and he lived with them for a while.

Anyway, although she loves ME, she is very sceptical and rather scathing about her sons girlfriends.... They just are not good enough for her boys. With every one of them, she keeps saying "I wish they were more like YOU" or "Had only MY sons had sense to find a good woman like you" So I think even the nicest woman has the potential to turn out to be the Hellmouth Mil, unintentionally.

And I am sure, had my dh been her son, she might have been equally critical of me. But the fact that I am just the wife of her nephew rather than son, she has taken a back seat and let friendship between us develop natural over many years.

I have two boys, and will probably be in the same predicament.....

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