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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is this doctor weird or am i over sensitive?

61 replies

DevonDumplin · 01/01/2011 21:46

Had my first appointment with a new consultant gynaecologist yesterday and still feeling tearful and like my skin is crawling.

Basically, for health reasons I've not had sex for a few months (which isn't unusual and myself and my very lovely understanding DP manage this pretty well interms of maintaining a close relationship), but when this came up in appointment Dr starts going on about how if I don't ''take his energy'' (i clarified - he means have sex) my DP's going to leave me and I should be making more of an effort to ''pretent there is no pain and you are enjoying it and this will make him happy'' !!!

Then told me during an internal exam that he wants to make me feel glamorous and confident again!!! OMFG I know I'm not looking my best right now but worst timing ever!!! I normally grit my teeth until these things are over but this time I cried so much he started me on anti-depressents, which my GP threw in the bin and replaced with an epic bar of chocolate (bless him)! TBH i felt ridiculous because physically it was no different from any other.

This is the first male gynae (of many) i've seen, and i genuinely think there was no real malice and he was trying to put me at ease but just doesn't have a clue about how to talk to women.

Usually i'd ask to see someone else but he can do an operation in the next month that i waited two years for with my last hospital. And i really need ASAP.

AIBU to think this guy is a total creep or is this just how male gynaes try to talk to us and I should stop putting it off and lay back and think of England?

Ps. My DP thinks that Dr ''isn't getting any'' and wants to thump him.

OP posts:
Conundrumish · 01/01/2011 22:22

I'd be asking why he has such a short waiting list.

2rebecca · 01/01/2011 22:25

He sounds inappropriate and insensitive at best. Were the comments related to the operation you are having? If you are going for cosmetic gynaecology like labia trimming then his comments on your sex life may be appropriate, as most women have these to improve their sex life, or to improve their confidence, and many gynaecologists are opposed to these ops as unnecessary and not addressing the real self esteem problem.
If you're having something unrelated to sex like an endometrial ablation for heavy periods then his remarks sound unnecessary, although if you are having pain on intercourse as you said then that does fall inside a gynaecologist's remit and sometimes not having sex for a while especially if postmenopausal can make sex harder in the future so avoiding sex because it is sore can just exacerbate the problem. Am surprised he didn't advise taking things slowly and using lots of lube in that case though.
The "take his energy" comment sounds bizarre. Is he a native English speaker?

lillybloom · 01/01/2011 22:26

Please report him op. I had a similar experience at 12 years ago. The consultant told me the pain was in my head because I'd been brought up RC.He also commented that I must have sexual issues- I never followed it due to embarressment. It turned out I had endemetriosis(sp). It could have been sorted so much earlier.
I really wish I had the courage to speak up then.

Herecomesthesciencebint · 01/01/2011 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

activate · 01/01/2011 22:31

my male gynae absolutely did not talk like this and I would personally complain

no you aren't being unreasonable - find a surgeon you are happy with

ItsGraceAgain · 01/01/2011 22:48

Utterly wrong - and weird Shock

I encourage you to report him, too, for inappropriate behaviour. If there was no female staffer in the room with you he was breaking the rules, so include that in your report.

AnyoneforTurps · 01/01/2011 22:53

Actually it's not against the rules to examine without a chaperone but every patient should be offered one.

KalokiMallow · 01/01/2011 22:55

I'd complain. He sounds awful.

dittany · 01/01/2011 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mommmmyof2 · 01/01/2011 23:10

I really don't no how you kept yourself from telling him it is none of his business! He is there to do a job not to dish out advice on your sex life, bad advice at that!
It is good you have such a supporting dp as this could have made a bad situation a lot worse, and it is between you and him not anybody else.
And as for being more glamorouse or whatever you were visiting a gyno not on a catwalk.
He either very very stupid or just very very rude.
Hope your op goes well, just don't take that talk off him, he has no right!!

browneyesblue · 02/01/2011 00:07

Agree with everyone - put it in writing and report him!

onceamai · 02/01/2011 05:14

I think his comments were inappropriate and insensitive. What would worry me more though is why he doesn't have a waiting list for an operation which has previously had long waiting lists at other hospitals. I would mention the bedside manner in passing to your GP but focus much more on potential concerns about his track record and competence and ask questions like - if you needed this op' who would you go to; who has the best success rate locally for this op; what is this gynaecologist's reputation; has he been around locally for a long time and can you find anything about his record at his last hospital?

BreastmilkDoesAFabEggnogLatte · 02/01/2011 10:50

Agree. He sounds both inappropriate and incompetent. I would go direct to the GMC...

Original poster
DevonDumplin · 02/01/2011 15:22

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, it's reasuring to know that feeling like this is justified. I was my Mum who gave me the doubt that i'm being ridiculous and he's just doing his job, really should take her advice with the pinch of salt that I usually do.

2rebecca - It is actually endometrial ablation (good guess, I should have said before) and a D&C. Can't imagine having anything cosmetic down there. I'm 23 so hoping that menopause is a long way off Grin.

Ooh and good point, no he's not a native English speaker, hes an old and maybe Indian-ish (Not baing rude it's just a guess) man, his English is very good though just with a very strong accent. So maybe the tone wasn't coming accress as intended.

pinkpanettone - I am now an urgent case and the waiting lists up here are already much shorter and there seem so far to have been less admin cock-ups too, so I don't think it's a competency issue.

sciencebint - there was a HCA pottering about and she didn't seem shocked at all despite me being quite upset, so I am starting to think that women crying with him isn't so unusual. She was there in the background during the examination, I remember her handing me a tissue at some point, but again I don't remember her seeming bothered. If anyone had spoken to one of my families any where near inappropriate i'd bite their bloody head off before he took another breath, why I can't tell him to go scr*w himself as a patient is very frustrating.

A1980 - You're right, I never asked for relationship advice and certainly didn't expect it from him, would have been different if I had asked and this was his opinion.

Singingcat - I know first hand what the medical SOH is like (myself included, I work with soon-to-be-bereaved-parents and, it's how you can go home I one piece every day) and how to take it, he defo wasn't trying to be funny.

I'm not going back to see him, DP's still fuming especially now he turns out to be the local private gynae too. Bugga. I have a GP appointment on thursday for some bloods results so will discuss it properly then and then run it past PALS and go from there. Would it be worth trying to find out the name of the HCA?

OP posts:
QODrestyemerrykidneystones · 02/01/2011 15:31

Have you finished your family devondumplin?

tunecedemalis · 02/01/2011 15:33

OMG this sounds like a male gynae I saw in the Dorset area seven years ago- so traumatised I've never been back! DD1 was a traumatic birth and it took me ages to 'get back in the saddle' as it were- gynae told me I was just 'rusty' and to sleep with DH asap before he went elsewhere. He said I was reasonably young and of reasonable attractiveness- when he said all this he refused to removed the speculum or allow me to close my legs although he had concluded his examination. As I'd just had a baby my brain was befuddled and I felt a failure- went back- slept with hubby and burst into tears when discovered I was pregnant six weeks later- against advice of midwives etc. Is it the same guy? He was a total pervert!

hairyfairylights · 02/01/2011 15:40

singingcat yes it is definately different. I was just wondering how it is that so many consultants seem to be so very unfeeling/unware of what is generally appropriate.

There isn't that much difference between saying 'go off and have sex even if it's painful' and 'go off and keep trying, even though you are at high risk of another ectopic'

both highly inappropriate, the OP's circumstance more of a psychologically/sexually intrusive comment than my scenario.

(have also been told by a family planning person to just 'put out' even if my libido was low as 'men leave women very easily in these circumstances')

Gemsy83 · 02/01/2011 15:42

Totally innapropriate bloody creep.

mamas12 · 02/01/2011 15:43

Oh dear I think you also need to chekc up on his competancy imo.
Can you find out his success rates re: the op you need?

KindleTheSky · 02/01/2011 15:46

Vile, report him.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 02/01/2011 15:48

what a creep. definitely report him. that was so wrong of him.

Original poster
DevonDumplin · 02/01/2011 16:30

QODrestyemerrykidneystones - I don't have a family at all yet, would desperatly like one and i'm very aware that I have a potentially fertility damaging condition, but at the moment the thought of ever having another internal let alone the invasiveness of pregnancy and birth and all it's lovely complications is a no-go.

tunecedemalis - Oh no, this sounds very familiar. Sorry you've had a bad experience too. Is it ok to post Dr's name on here?

This has freaked me out more than I realised at the time. Definetly going to follow up with GP and the GMC complaints link.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
QODrestyemerrykidneystones · 02/01/2011 16:48

Sorry to be nosey Devon - it's just I've had endometrial ablation and they say you cannot sustain a pregnancy after. It thins the actual uterine walls or somesuch

IAmReallyFabNow · 02/01/2011 16:53

This all sounds dreadful but do not post the doctor's name on here.

onceamai · 02/01/2011 17:34

Go back to your GP and ask to be referred to an infertility specialist.

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