to think DH should be a bit happier and gracious

[bb99]

at the moment as he is about to go off on a jolly (which he usually does about every 2 - 3 months) with his mates, sans children and the rest of the family, for an overnight excursion of booze and male company...

But every time he DOES do this he seems to spend about 2-3 days before hand 'feeling ill' and being pissy about it, by moaning that he 'does all the childcare at home when he's on holiday' and 'only ever gets to go out on his own and away for the night or two every 6 months' - again because this is how often he can be arsed to organises it??

I honestly don't mind him going, in fact often it's easier to keep the house tidy and clean when he's away and I get to have some alone time when the kids are in bed! But he is fixated that I 'make him pay' for going away.

Yes, I do hope and expect him to help out for a couple of days before hand with the kids, as he is going off to relax, sleep as much as he can and have a lovely time, but FFS, I wish he'd just enjoy it and be happy about getting to go away with his mates, instead of using it as another axe to grind away at...

I've been away from the dcs ONCE in the last 4 years, when he's looked after them, and it was for one night - I was overjoyed and skipped around the house for weeks before and afterwards.

Part of me thinks - what is the point in supporting this need he has to piss off go away with his friends and pretend he is a single man with no family, if all it does is cause me grief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AIBU to think he should be a bit more bloody happy about it!

so, basically he has a big problem with having to help look after his OWN children before getting to go out on the piss? soemthing that you never get to do~

he needs to get a grip, grow up and stop acting like a baby

my god

Has he always been this selfish and self centred?

He's trying to deflect attention from the fact that he's a selfish twat (which deep down he knows he's being) by playing the role of martyr.

I think you're amazing to put up with him buggering off with his mates for a weekend at a time once every 2-3 months. It seems like a very one sided arrangement though, given that you've only had the chance to do the same once in 4 years.

YABU and I think you should read your post aloud to him!

Let him go, wave him off with a cheery smile.

Then change the locks

Tell him that if he's such a miserable fucker before he goes, that you'd prefer it if he doesn't do it anymore, and you'll have the weekends away whilst he has the kids instead.

Are you absolutely sure you don't resent him for going away and that your REALLY are ok with it? Only this part of your post seems to read to the contrary.......

"Part of me thinks - what is the point in supporting this need he has to piss off go away with his friends and pretend he is a single man with no family, if all it does is cause me grief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Do you think subconciously you're making him feel guilty during the days leading up to it and as a result, he feels as though he has to 'earn his right to go'? Just a thought

Blimey, I can't believe you even need to ask this question ! Of course YANBU. Does he actually comprehend how lucky he is that he gets to go away at all ?

Tell the miserable fuck to swap places then.

mutznutz - part of the problem is that he 'feels guilty' all the time (it's a family thing - when he doesn't/didn't do as he was told as a child / adult in his immediate family the first response is a loud vocal rebuke that "You're being selfish", so his whole life he's been accused of being selfish...hence massive guilt) - he thinks he needs to 'earn his right' to do quite a lot of things, which really is more of a concept from his background, not mine - when he asks about doing all sorts of things, I think I've only put an absolute NO on one thing, usually I'm happy to support him in all his endeavors, but maybe not as good at putting that accross as I could/should be...

But truly I don't mind - I don't understand it, as I don't have the same kind of need (hence the odd way of expressing - but only in private and NEVER to his face, my support of his jollies )- also one of the reasons for not going away from the dcs much (I quite like spending time with them - odd I know)

Yesterday he spent the whole day in bed, managing to supervise eating dinner with the dcs and throw the youngest in the bath, while I (at 35+5 wks pg) did a load of DIY shelving around the house - which of course pissed him off (as he felt bad for not helping ) and tried desperately to avoid him being grumpy and miserable.

He seemed better last night and did the early shift this am, then when I got up at about 8, he stalked off upstairs without a word and started being grumpy - again...barely saying good bye, as I'd told him to stop being so pissy about it, being totally fed up with all the attitude and stomping about...

Sometimes I think he's trying to wind me up, so he can justify going away ie. my awful wife drives me to this....

But never mind, he's good at lots of other things and quite co-operative most of the time, I just don't understand why he's soooo miserable before he's about to do something he moans about not getting to do enough and really enjoys (apparently) No-one is forcing him to have a social life!

Does he have something to feel guilty about?

Nah - only day to day life and not being as motivated as he could be at home. But that's a bit of a generational thing, if I look at what our parents generation seem to achieve on a day to day basis...and as for grandparents and what they used to get done in a day

I'm very confident he's a serial monogamist, so no worries there, it just seems such a pity that there's this massive song and dance when he's getting what he wants!

Why does he see looking after his children when he's off work as a punishment?

That's what parents do.

He doesn't sound very kind.

And he should be ashamed if himself to spend the whole day in bed while his pregnant wife puts up shelves. What kind of man is he?

Has it ever occurred to him that the reason his family says he's selfish is because he is? Massively so.

The shelves just needed doing - he's not very practical at that sort of thing (but v. v. good at his job, so I do have the luxury of not having the pressures of working ATM) His dad never really did anything like that, mine did, so I know how to do it.

He's always been a bit self centred - even when we were dating, but I married him warts and all...so it's not such a problem (hark at me being Mrs defensive )

I just want him to not maon / grump / whinge when he's going off on one of his jollies, and actually enjoy it ffs. What's the point in me being all 'yes, go away with your friends and have fun' if he's really grumpy and taking - I don't know what out - on the rest of us.

Have fun, enjoy yourself DH, and stop moaning and being miserable about it. maybe a thank you would be nice too...

OP I sympathise, but it does seem to me that there might be more going on here than meets the eye.

You have differing views in how time at home should be spent, yes? Did you really need to put up the shelves or was it a leetle bit of a show of 'look how capable and effective I am'? Are you 100% sure it wasn't a bit about making him feel guilty?

People are attracted to what they know and turn into who they are expected to be - perhaps you do make your DH feel guilty for achieving less around the house than you'd like.

Also - is he actually ill, as could reasonably be expected at this time of the year - and upset that his DW isn't being very sympathetic as she's too busy guilt-tripping him...?

I honestly cannot get it right can I.

He wanted to go away and we talked about it weeks ago and got it all organised. Not a problem, I support him with this.

He wants the toy mountain moved out of the L.room and so wants shelves in the wardrobes. It makes little difference to me where the toys are as I will be supervising tidying them up wherever they are.

He was incapeable of doing the shelves (could be he is ill - though not ill enough to not go away and need to stay put in bed...) so I did do them, as sometimes you just need to get things done, else the nothing gets done IYSWIM - if we waited until we were both in optimum physical condition before putting up the shelves, they probably wouldn't get done in the next 10 years!

I view this as being part of a team. He is better at earning money than I am by tens of thousands of pounds a year, so that is what he does, I am better at organising bank accounts and putting up shelves, so that is what I do. We are a team, are we not?

I don't mind the going away, or even putting up the shelves - I mind him being so miserable about going away.

Why don't you take his moaning seriously and tell him there's no way he can go off drinking if he's so ill?

Can you honestly say you have not been in any way passive aggressive? You do resent him going away (fair enough) and it'd be quite hard to hide this from him. You sound like you might be a bit if a martyr.

It doesn't really sound like you are a team, no.

sounds quite straightforwards to me..

he feels a bit guilty that he is going, so to try to make you feel sorry for him, and say "of course I dont mind you going", he pretends its such a chore to be going and he would of course rather be at home with you...

the "illness" is so that you think he wont really be enjoying himself too much while he is away...

its all a typical male ploy

I think we're a team in our own way (possibly rather more of a tag / relay team) - you're right that we don't have a homogenised relationship and responsibilities where we do the same things and share all the roles in the family unit 50 / 50, but that's because it works for us (unless DH has some time away - clearly - LOL).

Of course I am a martyr - I am a woman and therefore I am brilliant - he did think the shelves were very good and was v. complimentary about them, until he turned back into Mr Grumpy this morning. Even he said he 'always seems to get ill' when he's going away - maybe it's a subconscious thing on his part ie. he really doesn't want to do these big macho drinking trips away, but feels he has to

Again he wants more of a social life, but I can't do that for him. There are a lot of things he wants to do (gym, tennis, chess clubs, nights out at the pub with blokey mates) and then seems to use having the family as an excuse - with the I can't possibly go out because.... I try to encourage him to go out and do the things he likes as he is a much better person for having a bit of time like that - as I am sure we all are - and some of the time it works out. He's just been sooo miserable about going out this time. I suppose I think - you've got what you want, why are you not happier about it?

I did say to him he didn't have to go, he could just collapse into bed if that's what he needed to do, but he wanted to go.

MrsHellToe - I have tried really hard to adjust to his need to go away like this, as I don't understand it (he used some of his paternity leave to 'have a few days away' when the last dc was born - now that DID tick me off) and hope that I am supportive and accepting of his need to do this (noddy dog supportive) and try to say / do the right things - even telling him to go to bed yesterday and the day before, so he could rest up for his big event (and not strop around the house upsetting everyone). It doesn't seem to make a jot of difference how I am - he seems desperate to have a row everytime he goes away and is quite hard to manage in the few days beforehand.

He's by and large a good man and I think he should have a social life and get away for a night or two every now and again if it helps him. A happy Mr Grumpy makes for a happy family!

charliesmommy - you are a genius!

Why haven't I figured that out before

When are you publishing your 'Manology - the art of understanding the male mind' book?

Tell him that if he feels so guilty about going-STFU & don´t blöödy well go!

Just tell him straight that you expect him to muck in extra prior to going as you will be on your own with NO help while he is chilling with his mates.

Then add (and mean it): "I will be going away next month with my friends, we are planning to catch a play in London, so will make a weekend of it, and I can assure you that I will do my share of the chores and childcare before I go, to ensure that YOU recharge your batteries to be ready for having the kids full time. Dont feel guilty you are going, we should BOTH be able to go away with friends now and then."

Dh goes away with work regularly, and mucks in prior to going so I can chill a little, have some early nights, an evening out, etc. And when I fly to London (which I do 4 times a year from saturday till tuesday) I always make sure that I put them to bed each night in the run up to this, so he gets ME time, too.

Although we have a fairly equal division of "evening duty" with the kids, as I work some evenings, and he is a volunteer at the mountain rescue and called out at short notice.

Well, that went well...

I did (just) tell him what my expectations were.

OK he took DC2 out when he got home after lunch and he did (initially) apologise for being really grumpy and useless for the 2 proceeding days, then when he got back from taking dc2 out (I got the bag ready, the duck bread ready, the clothes changed and everything but the shoes on while he waited for me to do it) the twonk fell asleep on the sofa while 'supervising' a 3 yo,WHO HAS LEGO.

Of course, then I come into a scene of devestation and as soon as I start crawling around on the carpet (no mean feat with this amount of bump and the crap nights sleep I had last night - pg symptoms) he finally manages to raise himself. Then I cooked the dinner and had to still supervise dc2 - trying to (foolishly) keep the lego contained to a large tray, whilst Mr Twonk rested himsalf as he is soooo exhausted.

Now, as he managed to get the dinner out of the oven and actually feed the dcs - how difficult, that nearly caused a row 'WHAT am I supposed to feed them...' - I have tried to speak to him, without shouting as I am so flamming tired and quite hormonal today, plus NOW I am pissed off as I had anticipated from him being nice when he first got back, that I would actually get a proper break and I have still had to run around after the dcs, even tho I TOLD him about my crappy nights sleep (ok - that's no-ones fault)

All I got back was a load of 'I'm not a mind reader - you should have TOLD me to do the dinner etc - I've been Mr flamming wonderful as I took DC2 out (for a couple of hours) I'm bloody marvellous and you are just PUNISHING ME FOR GOING OUT - you bitch....' 'You are just getting ready to be a complete bitch after this baby is born, like the last one etc etc' and all else that goes along with it.

HE wonders why I don't want him to be my labour partner I wonder why I put up with his twonkishness - he's such a different person from the one I married (I think)

I just cannot believe he is either so stupid, or insensative, or just plain doesn't give a shite and thinks it's all just fine to expect me to keep going and going and going, so he can relax.

It's embarrassing - my eldest helps me out more than he does as they actually do the things I need and don't make a fucking mess everywhere if they do do something and don't make a song and dance about it, they just (generally0 do it and help out - he's supervising the bath of dc2 now and I'll have to clear up the bathroom - mop the water up, sort the clothes and towels out, put everything away and the sod thinks he's doing me some kind of heroic favour.

Well I think I've been shouted at enough this evening, and done enough shouting back...

He says he's reasonable as he doesn't force me to work FT anymore (BIG issue for him that he's the sole breadwinner)

I tried to get him to listen and it just causes a row and him to do the whole 'you are punishing me for going away' paranoid trip. I just don't know what tyo do anymore. I know I shouldn't have had another baby with him and should really have cut my losses, but I so didn't want both my children growing up as onlies - as there's a BIG age gap.

Now everythings all my fault and he's just going to be a complete shit.