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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH should be a bit happier and gracious

36 replies

bb99 · 01/01/2011 13:23

at the moment as he is about to go off on a jolly (which he usually does about every 2 - 3 months) with his mates, sans children and the rest of the family, for an overnight excursion of booze and male company...

But every time he DOES do this he seems to spend about 2-3 days before hand 'feeling ill' and being pissy about it, by moaning that he 'does all the childcare at home when he's on holiday' Hmm and 'only ever gets to go out on his own and away for the night or two every 6 months' - again because this is how often he can be arsed to organises it??

I honestly don't mind him going, in fact often it's easier to keep the house tidy and clean when he's away Grin and I get to have some alone time when the kids are in bed! But he is fixated that I 'make him pay' for going away.

Yes, I do hope and expect him to help out for a couple of days before hand with the kids, as he is going off to relax, sleep as much as he can and have a lovely time, but FFS, I wish he'd just enjoy it and be happy about getting to go away with his mates, instead of using it as another axe to grind away at...

I've been away from the dcs ONCE in the last 4 years, when he's looked after them, and it was for one night - I was overjoyed and skipped around the house for weeks before and afterwards.

Part of me thinks - what is the point in supporting this need he has to piss off go away with his friends and pretend he is a single man with no family, if all it does is cause me grief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AIBU to think he should be a bit more bloody happy about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
bb99 · 03/01/2011 19:28

And now he's left the building without a word - so I am sole in charge again...

OP posts:
spidookly · 04/01/2011 03:29

Why didn't you wake the lazy fucker up when he fell asleep on the sofa?

What this about him not "forcing" you to work full time?

I think your first move here should be to return to full time work as soon as is practicable.

It will mean that when you do finally decide that you don't think it is good for your children to be raised by a lazy, useless wanker who shouts at their mother and calls her names, you will be in a better position to do it.

Also, take him up on the mind reader thing - ask him to do things and insist he does them. Don't be a fool sorting out duck bread and mopping the bathroom floor after him - that is pure skivvying: you are making his parenting fun by doing the shitwork

needafootmassage · 04/01/2011 05:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onceamai · 04/01/2011 06:09

This doesn't sound as though it's him going away at all - it sounds as though you are both very unhappy. You seem to resent him as much as the going away - he seems to be upset about the overall status quo. I've been flamed on here many times about pandering to my DH but I do it because essentially I love him and he loves me and that's what works for us.

Going away for a few days is fine, not a problem, many relationships thrive on the man having more of his own space than the woman. It is NOT fine when the woman is 35.5 pg - anything could happen and who is going to look after the other DC?

You have two DC and another on the way - I think I would seriously be considering something like Relate to try to get this sorted out right now.

Good luck OP and I'm sorry you're this unhappy. Hope you have a better week.

needafootmassage · 04/01/2011 06:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bb99 · 04/01/2011 12:40

I'd be happy to do relate - but he doesn't want to pay for it.

I just want things to be better. I just can't seem to get it right and I think he feels pretty much the same way.

Please believe me - I DON'T MIND HIM GOING AWAY - even at 35.5 wks pg. I know where the hospital is, I have friends who can help with the dcs and my parents on stand by. What I do mind is the whole fantastical production that is made about him going away and that after he didn't help out BEFORE he went away (as he was so ill...and this has happened before) that he then didn't help out much when he got back either.

He feels this is in part justified as I don't work and therefore have to 'earn my keep'.

It's just such a shame. Just as things started to seem to get a bit better, hence dc3 - it was really rough after dc2 ws born - he seems to have re-emerged as a total prick Sad

He just says he 'can't do anymore' and 'works really hard' which he does, but then he does bugger all around the house (not too much of a problem as I don't work now, but he did nothing even when I did work).

I feel so dissapointed that I have (I think) been so wrong about the person he is. Got to go now, he's just got back.

OP posts:
Original poster
bb99 · 04/01/2011 12:47

Don't get me wrong, but I think my husband is quite enjoying all this. He's come in whistling and all happy and marching/stomping around the house - he left a vitriolic letter this morning accusing me of all sorts of being useless as a wife type things. God I feel manipulated.
He also keeps accusing me of 'needing more CBT' which helped me out a lot after dc2 was born and I had really bad PND - but should I be suprised that I had PND with a DH who turned around when the medical team left the room to announce that

@Now YOU@LL know what it's like to be in second place@ Hmm

Something's got to change.

I will try to be honest and detached and have another suicidal bid at sorting this out, which will probably end in me being shouted at and called all sorts of names. I really am not being very strong or smart atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
bb99 · 04/01/2011 12:48

Don't get me wrong, but I think my husband is quite enjoying all this. He's come in whistling and all happy and marching/stomping around the house - he left a vitriolic letter this morning accusing me of all sorts of being useless as a wife type things. God I feel manipulated.
He also keeps accusing me of 'needing more CBT' which helped me out a lot after dc2 was born and I had really bad PND - but should I be suprised that I had PND with a DH who turned around when the medical team left the room to announce that

'Now YOU'LL know what it's like to be in second place' Hmm

Something's got to change.

I will try to be honest and detached and have another suicidal bid at sorting this out, which will probably end in me being shouted at and called all sorts of names. I really am not being very strong or smart atm.

OP posts:
purplepidjbauble · 04/01/2011 13:03

He can only shout at you if you are there to be shouted at. As soon as he starts shouting, leave the room. If necessary, say in a low-pitched, calm tone of voice.

"I will speak to you when you can be civil"

If you need to bundle up the dc's and go to a friend's house to get away, do so.

Do not engage with the shouting. Do not respond to letters, emails, texts or phone calls. Return when you are calm enough, and when you think he will be.

Good luck Smile

Original poster
bb99 · 06/01/2011 20:45

Onwards and upwards - head down and a year to reflect on him (probably not in a good place to make sweeping decisions atm). Then a review...

New Years Resolution - not to shout back or get so upset with it all. There's just no point.

Thanks purple - good advice.

OP posts:
purplepidjin · 06/01/2011 23:26

Try it - it will at least shock him into shutting up for five minutes while you take a deep breath and keep calm!! Your mantra for today is: I will gain and retain the moral highground. Repeat ad nauseum lol

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