Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave houseguests home alone whilst we go to a New Year's Eve party?

54 replies

tooposhtopost · 31/12/2010 17:21

My BIL and family are staying for a few days. Before we had fixed the dates (they live in a different country) we had accepted an invitation to a local NYE party. BIL and family decided to come over New Year anyway as the timings worked all round (we had asked them for Christmas lunch but they were seeing other family and YES I would have stayed in for that Wink and even cooked it). They have small children btw and so would need a babysitter if they were to go out.

I am going to cook them supper and open a bottle of champagne before we go out (8.30pm) I have sudden guilt pangs .....AIBU to be deserting them? If they are lucky I will leave the heating on for them (joke).

OP posts:
Loshad · 31/12/2010 18:04

YANBU as you discussed it when plans were made for them to come and stay.

LadyBiscuit · 31/12/2010 18:08

It would be totally fine with my family. This fits with their timetable and you have a prior commitment. If you had to go to work then that would be okay wouldn't it? Why is this any less important?

Original poster
tooposhtopost · 31/12/2010 18:15

Well, it would also be rude to cancel a longstanding engagement. I agree it also seems rude leaving our visitors...but I am between a rock and a hard place and we can't please everyone. DH was on for blowing out our friends Hmm.

I mis-timed this post as I need to cook (for visitors) and put on glad rags (for party).

Yes, you are right, we see our neighbours most days and have dinner with them regularly BUT it was a prior engagement and is out of the ordinary PLUS I find when I am a houseguest that the 24/7 can be very claustrophobic and am only too glad when my esteemed hosts have somewhere to be for a bit. Likewise, I would not be at all offended if BIL and Co went out to the zoo or shopping or a museum on one of the days they are here (in fact, I would be quite relieved ....not that I don't like them a lot!)

They are great guests btw, turning up on the first night with a home cooked curry to share.

Um, just one teensy weensy confession _ although the NYE party is a very longstanding engagement and IN THE FAMILY DIARY, I am not absolutely 100% sure that DH checked and told his brother until, just possibly, after he invited them (I haven't dared ask). I have taken a view that it was the order we committed in that counts.

Ho hum, we are very close so I hope they forgive us!

OP posts:
traceybath · 31/12/2010 18:26

Oh dear - I do think you are being naughty but its obviously your choice.

Must say it sounds like your in-laws were unaware of your prior commitment and in their position I would be very Hmm

twopeople · 31/12/2010 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

clam · 31/12/2010 18:33

If your DH didn't make it clear before he said they coul come, then you must jolly well make sure you let them know now.

I'd be hacked off in your position, actually.

What was the underlying understanding of their trip? Are you just somewhere for them to base themselves whilst here, so they can do the rounds of everyone they want to see? Or have they specifically come to see you? Makes a difference to tonight's dilemma, I think.

classydiva · 31/12/2010 18:33

I agree that it is rude to leave your company to piss off out to a party.

curlymama · 31/12/2010 18:36

Would you go out if it was your brother or sister?

Dh has said that he wants to stay in.

LesAnimaux · 31/12/2010 18:38

YANBU. A bit rude not to wangle an invitation for them too? Yes, but hey.

BelligerentYhoULE · 31/12/2010 18:39

Your dh is right - you should have told the friends that your relatives were coming so you'd either have to not come or to bring them with you. OR you should have invited the friends round to your house to join you and your relatives imho. Would you have done the same thing if it was your brother or sister, rather than dh's?

hocuspontas · 31/12/2010 18:39

If it's only at a neighbour's, why can't you all go? Either take the children as well or all take it in turns to babysit for half an hour.

scoobytoo · 31/12/2010 18:40

YABU a little bit I would say. Did you at least invite them to come with you? I know they have kids but it's quite easy to get baby sitters.

FakePlasticTrees · 31/12/2010 18:42

So, your DH invited them to spend NYE with you, but you have other plans which you think should take priority? Wow, your friend must make the best canapes to justify this level of insult to inlaws you like!!!

Bunbaker · 31/12/2010 18:45

If the party is very local why don't all of you take it in turns to attend? My sister and I have done this in the past and sis, BIL and I have taken it in turns to stay in for an hour each. I think that abandoning your family, who have travelled from abroad to be with you, is downright rude.

clam · 31/12/2010 18:48

fakeplastictrees the OP's plans were made first! In our house, what goes on the calendar first, takes priority. So the DH shouldn't have invited them at all, unless he made it absolutely clear they knew they were going out and were OK with that. Bit that's all looking a little murky now...

Original poster
tooposhtopost · 31/12/2010 19:02

Well, of course they know now!

Oh, by another country, I meant Wales Grin...so much harder to get to than the continent Wink

Joy. In the way of a fond but useless aunt with no recent experience of small children, I cooked our visitors a special meal: wild salmon en croute, pommes dauphinoise and carrots sauteed with leeks and garlic which the children are now refusing to eat. My SIL is in tears......

DH says this brings back the joys of having toddlers.

Sorry, no time to read all the posts, got to find a hankie and rustle up some impromptu fishfingers and beans.

I don't think we can shuffle guests at someone else's formal dinner party (first course DH, quick swap and second course BIL....Hmm....) An invitation for BIL and wife would not have worked without a babysitter (think hen's teeth on NYE) and also would seem a bit presumptuous. our hosts for tonight have been having a very rough time recently and i would hate to add to their worries.

Still, I am feeling steadily more guilty and wish I had found a better solution.

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 31/12/2010 19:09

Starting from here, you can only press on with the original plan, and make the best of it.

Poor SIL, sounds like she is feeling the strain. Would it be an option for you to look after their little ones tomorrow night, so they could go out for a quiet meal together?

Am sure that would more than make up for any remaining guilty pangs Smile.

Have a good evening.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 31/12/2010 19:12

It's not rude to cancel the party engagement when you have a valid reason such as family from overseas visiting.

It is rude to go out and leave them in alone.

stillbobbysgirl · 31/12/2010 19:15

I am flabbergasted at your rudeness!

Don't expect them to ever visit you ever again will you?

thisisyesterday · 31/12/2010 19:15

yes, sorry, i think it's incredibly rude.

i think at least one of you should stay back with them

it's a NYE party... not like it's a wedding or a christening or something you only get one chance to attend. there will be other new yearsm, other parties, other chances to see the friends

meanwhile you're leaving your SIL in tears. nice

SofiaAmes · 31/12/2010 19:17

Dinner sounds lovely. My kids would have gobbled it up. Really you should have asked neighbors if you could bring them too ages ago. It's kind of late for trying to find a solution now! Are you sure that bil/sil mind that you are going out. I never enjoyed staying up for ny eve. In fact we are all going to a family party and I will probably do what I have done the last couple of years, which is leave around 11 when the kids have fallen asleep and take them home, leaving dh to walk/stumble home at 4 am.

Bunbaker · 31/12/2010 19:19

I didn't realise it was a formal dinner party. I thought it was a relaxed, anything goes party. Can you invite your friends and their guests back after dinner to see the new year in back at your house?

LadyBiscuit · 31/12/2010 19:19

It's a formal dinner party, of course they can't cancel! And if someone asks if they can come and stay with you and you have plans, then they have to deal with it.

Again, why do people think social engagements are so much less important than work ones?

thisisyesterday · 31/12/2010 19:24

of course they can cancel.

the visitors may not have even known about the prior arrangements when they said they'#d come and stay so it's the OP's own fault, not that of the guests who are now being abandoned

i think that at least one of them needs to stay with their guests

Chatelaine · 31/12/2010 19:24

YANBU, not at all. A prior engagement is just that, go enjoy your party, your BIL and family will be comfortable at home and should understand.