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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Dad not well, so should we go skiing or not ?

37 replies

maltesers · 30/12/2010 18:22

My Dad aged 82 yrs who has a bad heart got very short of breath on Tuesday and we called for an ambulance. He is in hospital and it appears he has a mild dose of the Norovirus (??) (Tum bug) . My mum is getting so forgetful but has me locally to help her when needed and my sister came down from London yesterday on hearing he was so unwell. My DD of 20yrs is also here over Xmas to help out. We have all been worried he wasnt going to make it. Today he seems brighter and feeling better. He is eating, drinking and off the I.V. drip , but just having some Oxygen when necessary.

Myself, DP and DS (10yrs) are meant to be going on ski holiday on Saturday . Should we go ?

It appears that my Dad will be in hospital for a few more days at least to get stronger. My sister is here locally with her DH and 2 kids till Sunday . My DD is here all next week staying at home. She in particular is pressuring me to stay and not go, saying how guilty i will feel.

Yes i will or would feel guilty and may not go depending on how well dad improves by Sat.

I will admit I was so looking forward to the ski trip and feel horrendous at the thought of not going, but i am prepared to stay if necessary. AIBU to want to go so much ? AIBU if i do go.?
Its usually me who 'carries the can' and takes the strain with my parents. . .am i entitled to go away at this time.

Can we organise for a nurse to visit parents once he is home from hospital ?

OP posts:
MassiveKnob · 30/12/2010 18:26

how long are you away for?

Yes, you can organise for private nurses to go in and look after him/them, but it will be expensive.

IAmReallyFabNow · 30/12/2010 18:28

You seem to want to really go so you should but be prepared for your dd to be mad with you and for you to feel bad should your father pass away while you are gone. I am sorry for you that he is ill and this must be a really difficult decision. I wasn't able to travel to see my Nana before she died and wish I could have done.

Original poster
maltesers · 30/12/2010 18:31

Yes, i see your point IamReallyfabnow. . .true.
We would be away 1st -8th Jan.

OP posts:
NewYearNewPants · 30/12/2010 18:31

I think you should stay if you can face it? He is old, has heart problems and an infection, is hospitalised...he may well pull through, but if he doesn't, how will you feel getting that phonecall?

It all depend son how close you are, how you feel about his death, what you think your mother's needs are. Personally, I would cancel.

Original poster
maltesers · 30/12/2010 19:21

Yes i see your point NewYearNewPants. . . Sad

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 30/12/2010 19:24

Have you arranged it through a Ski Company directly? If you have, they might be happy to swap weeks for you - even if you booked it through an agent you should still ring the Ski Company and see what they can do. I used to work for one and we would have done it for you.

almostmadeitto2011 · 30/12/2010 19:25

Can you not postpone? Are you insured? Can you not claim on insurance - and then go later on in the season?

BBL1 · 30/12/2010 22:05

I understand why you are reluctant to go, but I think you should.

Even though your dad's on the mend, he could still be in the hospital for some time. Make an appointment with the doctor. I'm sure that you have done this anyway, as some discussion will have to take place about your Dad's discharge from hospital. Ask their opinion about going away.

My mum's whose 85 spent over a month in hospital with a chest infection. She thought, as did my sister and brothers that she would only be in for a couple of days She was discharged over 2 weeks ago and some days are better than others, although her spirits are good.

My journey to see her can take anywhere from 6-10 hours and I see her pretty regularly. I spent the first 10 days in the hospital and came back when she was discharged and stayed with her at home for another week. Other family members (2 brothers and a sister) were with her when I wasn't. Mum lives on her own and we try and go and see her as often as possible, which means there is usually someone there most weekends, which is pretty good considering all of us live some distance away; my sister a 100 miles away and my brothers and I are in London. Although I have to say that my sister too, does more than her share of the care.

As I live so far away and it's heartbreaking to say goodbye, as I am never sure if it's the last time. I can't afford to think what might happen if I am not there. However, I have to live my other life too. I know my brother and sister feel this too. My DP and DS (10) have been wonderful, and I need to look after them too. It's hard juggling and at times I'm exhausted taking everyone into account.

This holiday has been booked for some time. I'm sure you need the break. Caring for parents while hugely rewarding is very draining and there will be lots to do when your dad comes out of hospital.

Your daughter is probably scared. It's so painful to see someone you love ill and difficult at 20 to deal with the issue of mortality. Could your sister stay with her until you came back from your holiday and take over at the hospital? Could you talk to your Dad about the holiday and find out his opinion?

Again, I would advise speak to your Dad's doctor. They can give the best advice.

I do empathize. I came back to London on the 16th Dec and will not see my mum again until the 5th Jan, but I have had a lovely Christmas holiday with my boys, just as my mum wanted.

Original poster
maltesers · 31/12/2010 08:13

Thankyou BBL1 for your huge response....
Some helpful pointers from you i am thinking about.
Am having a good chat today with my sister who although is my very bossy older sister is quite clued up and takes charge very well.
My DD is in her 2nd year of nursing, so getting some experience in nursing care, and the ill. She is quite knowledgeable about whats going on. She is very fond of her Grandpa . She can still be like a selfish teenager at times though. . .so maybe this would be good for her ?

I have paid for the flights, and its not a ski company . We are going independently.

OP posts:
diddl · 31/12/2010 08:23

Well, this sounds horrible but-if he takes a turn for the worse, do you want to be able to sit with him whilst he dies?

If not, then would you want to go round to say goodbye?

Of course, he could just slip away quickly & you might not be able to do either no matter how close you are.

I think it depends what you want to achieve by staying iyswim.

Original poster
maltesers · 31/12/2010 08:25

Yes, ISWUM.

OP posts:
onceamai · 31/12/2010 08:28

It sounds as though you are the principal carer for your parents. If your father is in no immediate danger I think you should go ahead with the holiday. Others need to take some responsibility to allow you to have a break because presumably you will bear the lions share of the caring when you get back. Assuming you are ski-ing in Europe, you can get back to England within a few hours in any event.

Having lost a father and a PIL, I think you just need to be certain in your own mind that there is no unfinished business left behind because ultimately the goodbye's can't be planned and sometimes the end arrives when it's least expected.

If you're the one who usually "carries the can" I think you are entitled to put it down for a while if there are others who can pick it up. If you don't you are likely to end up just feeling resentful.

I bet your dad would want you to go providing they can manage, your sister pulls her finger out, while you are away.

MollieO · 31/12/2010 08:29

Assuming you are insured you should be covered. I'm travelling independently and could have cancelled and got a refund even though flights and accommodation booked separately (I'm not able to ski due to injury but an illness of a close relative would be treated the same). If it were me in your position I wouldn't be going.

Megatron · 31/12/2010 09:03

Don't go. He's your dad, he and your mum may need your support. You can have dozens of holidays in the future. I would never have forgiven myself if I hadn't been there for my Dad when he needed me most.

Xenia · 31/12/2010 09:13

COuld he be subtlely sounded out? I remember we were booked to go to Antigua when my mother was quite ill in hospital and she said she wanted us to go and was still alive when we got back for a few more months . Probably most parents would prefer the children to go ahad with their holidays. We're skiing now. The snow is very good and it sounds as if your father is going to make it so it's not that he is likely to go whilst you are away

MyBrilliantCareer · 31/12/2010 10:22

I think you need to speak to the medics to see what his prognosis is, and base your decision on that.

SantasENormaSnob · 31/12/2010 10:32

I would go.

If he is eating and drinking and on no fluids therefore probably not in the last days of life.

You could spend the next 10 years not going away just in case.

I am a nurse btw and would not stay unless someone was in icu or receiving palliative care.

charliesmommy · 31/12/2010 11:08

My main concern would be your mum. Will she be okay on her own, and will she be able to get to the hospital to visit.

Personally I wouldnt feel happy going away at this time.

Ephiny · 31/12/2010 13:34

I would go, your dad probably wouldn't want your family holiday to be ruined because of him. And he has your mum, sister and daughter there, it's not as though he'll be left completely alone while you're away.

Original poster
maltesers · 01/01/2011 09:27

Thanks for your responses mnetters.
As it turns out to my Dad came out of hospital here yesterday and is feeling much better. His Doc visited the house yesterday and said he is stable and looking good. He suggested i should take my ski holiday as i need a break from the ongoing care i have been giving my parents day in day out.

ANOTHER STORY :
On top of all this and the stress of it I am gutted by my mothers behaviour towards me. My sister , as usual is bossy, controlling and puts me down.
My Mother didnt like the idea of me going away, but then she never does . She is a very difficult vindictive angry woman, and has the most evil temper.
She was horrendous yesterday , had a massive go at me when i told her is was now afterall going skiing. Annoyed by her disgusting rudeness, I said i was leaving and as i turned my back she attacked me from behind digging here nails into my back.
She is going strange in the head (senile) but has always been aggressive and unkind..

I dont know what to do . .I have cried and cried, my whole body is shaking and feeling ill . I feel my sister and my mother are against me.
The only decent kind person there is my Father. I cannot be bothered with my mother now after this. (Its not the first time).
She has blown it......

OP posts:
onimolap · 01/01/2011 09:48

You're leaving later today?

I hope the holiday goes well and gives you the break you need: perhaps ski until you drop - until you are too tired to think, to let all this go from the conscious part of your mind.

When you've recharged, it may become possible to find the strength to work out how best to cope for the future.

Scottie04 · 01/01/2011 09:49

Go and enjoy your holiday. It sounds like you need a break. Carers need down time. I don't know what to say about your mother and sister. Do NOT feel guilty - sounds like your dad is going to be ok for this week - leave your mum and sister to get on with it.

DreamingofFour · 01/01/2011 10:08

Sounds like your mum may need to see GP at some point or you should discuss it with her GP yourself (when you get back from wellearned holiday). Wonder if this is all part of early dementia as it sounds like an exaggeration of her normal nastier personality traits. So you may need help with her too and would be worth lining this up.

You sound like you have a lot of insight into the family dynamics, hopefully holiday will help you escape it all!

whatdoiknowanyway · 01/01/2011 10:15

Maltesrs I'm so sorry about your Mum.
It's really hard when dementia causes peoples behaviour to change badly but even harder when the change is just an exaggeration of how they have always been.
My father had dementia. He was always quite a bitter man and the dementia made it worse. He could be incredibly cruel and vindictive. I found it so hard to cope with( I was his main Carer) as I could not blame it on his dementia since it was so closely related to how he had always been. But it WAS the dementia and the physical attack from your mum probably was too. I've had all the shaking and tears and resentment.
Can't say much to help but I do feel for you.
Glad to hear you dad is doing better.

ninjinglebells · 01/01/2011 10:18

I agree with Dreamingoffour, the aggressiveness could well be a sign of dementia.

Go and have a lovely holiday and make sure that you enjoy it

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