My Dad not well, so should we go skiing or not ?

[maltesers]

My Dad aged 82 yrs who has a bad heart got very short of breath on Tuesday and we called for an ambulance. He is in hospital and it appears he has a mild dose of the Norovirus (??) (Tum bug) . My mum is getting so forgetful but has me locally to help her when needed and my sister came down from London yesterday on hearing he was so unwell. My DD of 20yrs is also here over Xmas to help out. We have all been worried he wasnt going to make it. Today he seems brighter and feeling better. He is eating, drinking and off the I.V. drip , but just having some Oxygen when necessary.

Myself, DP and DS (10yrs) are meant to be going on ski holiday on Saturday . Should we go ?

It appears that my Dad will be in hospital for a few more days at least to get stronger. My sister is here locally with her DH and 2 kids till Sunday . My DD is here all next week staying at home. She in particular is pressuring me to stay and not go, saying how guilty i will feel.

Yes i will or would feel guilty and may not go depending on how well dad improves by Sat.

I will admit I was so looking forward to the ski trip and feel horrendous at the thought of not going, but i am prepared to stay if necessary. AIBU to want to go so much ? AIBU if i do go.?
Its usually me who 'carries the can' and takes the strain with my parents. . .am i entitled to go away at this time.

Can we organise for a nurse to visit parents once he is home from hospital ?

Go & have a lovely holiday.

Perhaps your sister needs to take over care so that you can just be a daughter again?

Really appreciate your responses , all of you .
My DP , as lovely as he is is totally hopeless at advising me and talking it all through with me. So your remarks are the strength i need.

Yesterday my father had a visit from his Doctor whilst we were there so we all got a chance to chat to him. I just broke down in flood of tears telling him about the attack from my Mum . The Doctor at least now know the mad family dynamics that are evolving.
My Dad is going to get a "Carers Allowance", so at least we can get someone in every week to do jobs for my parents. etc.
Our flight is at 6.15 pm so we are leaving in an hour .
I, DP and DS popped up to see my Dad at 12 midday. He is fine, just resting in bed. Avoided my Mother, who also avoided me (so so sad that its like this).
Near to tears now just thinking bout it.

My sister was ok with me, and zipped it a bit , cos my DP was with me. She told me to go and make peace with my mum, but i told her I wasnt going to, as it will all just be slapped back in my face for the 1000th time.
Although my mum is going in the 'Dementia' direction, she knows exactly what she did yesterday. Why is it me that receives all the physical aggression from her (?) Ah, yes, I divorced in 1994 and she has never forgiven apparently..
I told my Dad I would be popping up to see him often, but I was not going to bother with Mum at all. Not a nice situation to be in, but there are only so many times through ones life you can turn the other cheek to have it slapped again !

Even at my ripe old age with grown up kids myself i am still confused as to why ones own mother can behave like that towards her own child.

Malteasers - not sure if you are reading this or not while you are away, but if you are, I hope you have a lovely time, try not to think about the situation at home. Your Dad sounds like he's doing well x

Have a 'Run' for me and a toffee vodka - god I miss my life in the Alps :(

Glad your Dad is on the mend, and hope you enjoy your ski vacation. Great they are going to get some help around the house too.

Hope you have a lovely holiday.

Thanks all. Yes, we went and had a really nice ski trip. Came back to visit Dad who is ok but not good, obviously i dont think he is about to be up and about and completely better. My Mum is fully repentant and we had a good family day yesterday at my parents, with my sister, my DD (20yrs) and son (10yrs). . .Mother really wound her neck in , behaved and didnt snap once. . !! Blimey, miracles happen !!
Visited them today for severl hours. Got my Dad into his chair, made him breakfast, lunch and tidied up.

Thank you for your advice thoughts and support mnetters.

So pleased you were able to go away for a break. I found this thread really helpful: I am a daughter with a poorly Dad, concerned because my holiday looms on Friday. Dad's been out of hospital since 3 Jan after a "Cardiac Event" and doing okay, but he has just called the doc saying he feels really unwell.
My sister has 3 kids and is 5 hours away, so she was terribly torn when he was first admitted in Nov, because of all her work and family commitments.
I live less than 30 mins from Dad so have done the daily visiting and organising and trying to get home assessments and whathaveyou, and was starting to resent it a bit. But blimey your situation puts mine in perspective and helps me appreciate how tough it is for my sister. So thank you!
Going away when parent is very ill I would say that if the parent is well enough to understand you, ask them what they would like you to do. My mother died 12 years ago, after a very long struggle, while I was away on holiday. I knew she was dying when I left, and I loved her dearly, so why on earth did I go? Well, my Dad had booked the holiday for himself and Mum, but Mum was so ill she couldn't go. Dad said he didn't want to "lose the holiday" (uninsured I guess) so asked me and my partner to go (not thinking straight because his wife was dying?). I really, really didn't want to because my top priority was Mum. But, I asked Mum what she wanted me to do, and she said she wanted me to go (and I know she loved me. We got on really well). I felt the least I could do was respect her choice and do as she asked because nothing else was under her control - she was bedridden, in pain, hungry but unable to eat. I could do nothing for her, except what she asked. I wasn't there when she died, but the fact that I respected her wishes when she was alive was more important in the long run.

How very kind and self less your dear mum was ! My dad is back in hospital with Pleurisy /bad chest infection and heart failure. We really thought he was going to die, but he seems to be pulling though and may b home today. He is really not well though and quite immobile, and i know in the end the heart failure will get him. (God bless)

malt I am in similar boat, before my darling dad was diagnosed with cancer we booked a months break, as I am on maternity leave. we wanted to visit DP family and spend some proper time there

I think we will go, but I feel AWFUL as means my Mum and Bro carry the can. but I dont want to deprive DP and DS of some peopwe time with their family either

Its very hard

VERY HARD

you have my sympathy

maltesers
Wrote on the thread about your daughter - but goodness, you're really getting hit at all angles.

My Dad in the latter years of his life had a number of stays in hospital, but then recovered and had some good months at home before he was re-admitted. He kept pretty busy - as far as his health allowed - but ultimately died from heart failure. This was many years after it was diagnosed.

We're now in a similar situation with Mum who had a heart attack 18 years ago, and has quite serious heart failure, but can still get around and lives her life. Her home is adjacent to us, so we're very much around.

I always feel guilty about not giving enough time, but then it's wrong to make your own kids suffer, because you're always worrying about your parents.

Do hope your Dad gets over his current illness and that your Mum continues to behave. But you also have to look after your kids and yourself - and true loving parents wouldn't want you to do anything else.

Thankyou for the lst 2 replies . . . so nice ..
Its good to hear of other mums /people who have parents in the same boat.

DD is okay thanks and i hope its taught her a lesson. She does worry me as she goes out and gets so terribly terribly drunk ! I am now really worried she will be thrown off her nursing course due to her constant absenses form university lectures. Her hear isnt really in the course she is doing. . .
Cooked supper for parents last night and it was nice my DD came along too and helped. She thinks Granny is pathetically sweet. . .not so sure about that...!
Dad is ok and glad to be home from hospital. If he lives till the summer , I will be very pleasantly surprised.
I worry constantly how it will be in the end , cos i dont want him to suffer .

Feel guilty saying this but we have booked for a weeks skiing on March 31st. I just hope things are ok then and we can get away.
aving said that I shouldnt feel too guilty really though as I am with my Dad every day for a few hours, as his main carer. I just pray march 31st - beg April is a good week for him and no 'alarms' !!