Sorry, it's long: Shall I do all the driving?

[olderyetwider]

Short background: GCs have lived with us since they were tiny (DS teenage single dad, SS concerns about mother) They are now 10 and 11. They have good relationship with dad, his new partner and new baby, who live in same village as us, and after lots of issues see their mother love her, and value their relationship with her.

Their mother also has a new partner, and new baby, (on child protection plan) and live 30 minutes drive from us. Her new partner is violent (convicted) and SS have warned us to not allow overnight contact etc. BUT children want to see Mum. She refuses to see them without partner, and children get distressed if they don't see her for too long. So, we have taken them over and collected them for a morning once a week (including Xmas morning)

Mother now wants the chidren all day on friday as she argues that partner is now no risk as hasn't done anything on contact so far, so wants us to drive them over at 10 am, then collect them at 5pm. I'm willing to do one way, but not both, (have done it all so far) and I do feel a bit iffy about a full day

She has a motability car which he drives, as she doesn't drive (I really don't know why she has the motability car, and I promise I'm not being nasty about anyone with disabilities)

He is not prepared to drive her over to collect the children as he is offended that I have put restrictions on his contact with the children and, as she put it in her last text, feels that the driving serves me right for that.

There is pubic transport available (train and bus).

If I stick to my guns then the children won't see their mother, but his attitude suggests to me that he is an abusive twat who shouldn't be around the children. I also worry about her refusal to see the children without him.

What the fuck should I do? Or, am I just being a stuck up cow (his name for me)

I'd involve SS and get them to sort it out as they have warned you about him

I would say you cant leave it as late as 5pm as you have commitments that evening, and go midway ie 3pm perhaps.

I can understand you not wanting to do both journeys, but there doesnt seem to be a lot of option.

TBH she sounds a bit like she's using the kids as a weapon- if she was that bothered about seeing them she would accept any stipulations you had, especially if they were founded on a reasonable basis that her new partner was violent, and SS has backed this.

Did you previously post about your son and a request for nursery subsidies? Apologies if mixed up!

Thanks ilove, but SS warned me, but are happy that I'll protect the children, so have left it to my judgement (and we live in a different local authority area so they have no responsibility for our children. I'd have to raise a case with our local SS if I wanted support)

are they not at school on a Friday, how is this actually going to work?

could the mother and partner not come to you on alternate weeks so you only have to drive there every other week.

sounds very tough situation.

dinosaur, that was me.

It probably adds nothing, but if GC mum refuses to see them without partner is not her is most likely him controlling her.
There's no way you can understand why, but I'd say all is orchestrated by her partner, who just wants to rule...
Well - there is a reason you can't let them stay as SS warned you. I can imagine scenario that if they were to drop them back they may "forget" one day (just to teach yo ua lesson perhaps?).
So the only viable option is them coming to collect them in the morning and you collecting them in the evening.
That makes it even less likely to happen.
How about their dad (your DS) giving them lift in the morning?
I can only assume she mans this Friday as the next they will be at school.
I guess you could do with mediation service in this case...

Kayah, these are my thoughts, and I'm not prepared to be controled by him. But, I'm also committed to maintaining the children's relationship with their mother.

Dad can't give a lift as has a motorbike (kids would love if he did

Go back to the mum and explain that if she wants them all day she'll have to come and collect them, you'll pick them up later, and that sorry its just too much driving for one day.

If she will not agree then tell her just for morning is only option. (I assume this means you have to hang around waiting).

How far is it?

In terms of her only seeing children when her partner around, thats up to you, if you are not happy with this presumably you could refuse.

I would agree to do it this time for the gcs sake but if you are worried make it 10 till 2 or something like that and say it is because you have other commitments.

I would then contact sw to make safer and more appropriate contact for future.

I would worry that the more hoops you jump through the more you will be expected to jump through. IMO you need to decide what you feel is reasonable, explain it to the children and then tell their mother how the land lies. Don't be pushed into allowing more access than you think is safe and appropriate for the children. If things go wrong you'll never forgive yourself and SS may start being less supportive of you.

You have the power to make this decision for a very good reason.

If their mother is prepared to play these games at her children's expense they will have to learn to deal with it as they get older. Sadly you can't protect them forever. What you can do is be honest and reasonable so they know who they can trust.

These children are very lucky to have you.

What if I just put the ball in her court, and ask her how she wants to take things forward, but with boundaries (I drive one way, she collects, she doesn't leave them with him etc)

I'm troubled by his attitude to me though, and also her attitude re having him there all the time.

She's told SS that he's moved out, and every time I make contact with her SW she seems to think I'm just out to make trouble for them.

I'm genuinely not, but worried, and also (and the crux of this AIBU, I'm not prepared to dance to his tune, I feel that he's trying to control me in some subtle way) but I don't want the children to not see their mother, it's taken me months to get the level of contact that they have

If he's moved out and SS have warned you about him then you would be totally reasonable to say that you don't want him there at all when they are around.

Sounds like I need to grow a pair! Thanks for good advice, I'm going to take them over for a few hours, (to fit my commitments) collect them, then suggest a mediation session with her SW. If she doesn't like it, she can take me to court!

I think you are right to d owhat you feel is reasonable.
I assume you are their legal guardian.

A mediation session sounds like a good idea OP.

I think your instinct that he is trying to control you is spot on.

He has a convinction for violence and SS have reservations about the safety of your grandchildren around him.

So they have warned you not to let the children spend longer periods of time with him.

Sorry, but that is quite an insane recommendation.

If they are concerned that harm will come to the children, from a man with a history of violence, do they really think there is a magic shorter time frame, and the children will be ok as long as the time period is short??

There is no way on earth I would leave the children alone with him and their mother,for any period of time as from what you have said, she cannot be trusted to prioritise the children's needs above her new partner.

She may well think its ok to leave the children alone with him.

SS already think he has moved out whaen he hasn't.

The children may feel unable/reluctant to tell you if anything untoward does occur or if they are frightened, for fear of not seeing their mother.

Their mother is putting a horrible burden on them, by making contact with him a condition of them seeing her. They are very vulnerable in this sitiation.

If you can protect them from this situation, by refusing to put them into this situation on these terms, I would.

Kayah, we have a residence order so have PR. She has a contact order, which technically we would be in breach of, but I don't think she would try to enforce it given the circumstances as she'd get nowhere. I do worry though that she might, if I annoy her, just to cost us money (she gets legal aid, we don't)

"He is not prepared to drive her over to collect the children as he is offended that I have put restrictions on his contact with the children and, as she put it in her last text, feels that the driving serves me right for that."

I don't feel that him even driving them is appropriate if he is violent.

Is he entitled to contact with the children?

Presumably you've spent the best part of ten years looking after her children and this is the "thanks" you get. Unbelievable.

Sadly I don't hold out much hope of mediation working in this case but going through those motions should at least show social services (and a judge, should she take you that far) that you have offered to be reasonable.

you have to put your grand kids first as there could be good reason to be concerned specifically as they have lied to SS about the living situation. talk to SS about it as they might not want the kids to be with the partner with good reason. SS can make any judgements - after all if he did do the transporting he might end up doing it on his own or could end up spending time alone with them in the house.