Sorry, it's long: Shall I do all the driving?

[olderyetwider]

Short background: GCs have lived with us since they were tiny (DS teenage single dad, SS concerns about mother) They are now 10 and 11. They have good relationship with dad, his new partner and new baby, who live in same village as us, and after lots of issues see their mother love her, and value their relationship with her.

Their mother also has a new partner, and new baby, (on child protection plan) and live 30 minutes drive from us. Her new partner is violent (convicted) and SS have warned us to not allow overnight contact etc. BUT children want to see Mum. She refuses to see them without partner, and children get distressed if they don't see her for too long. So, we have taken them over and collected them for a morning once a week (including Xmas morning)

Mother now wants the chidren all day on friday as she argues that partner is now no risk as hasn't done anything on contact so far, so wants us to drive them over at 10 am, then collect them at 5pm. I'm willing to do one way, but not both, (have done it all so far) and I do feel a bit iffy about a full day

She has a motability car which he drives, as she doesn't drive (I really don't know why she has the motability car, and I promise I'm not being nasty about anyone with disabilities)

He is not prepared to drive her over to collect the children as he is offended that I have put restrictions on his contact with the children and, as she put it in her last text, feels that the driving serves me right for that.

There is pubic transport available (train and bus).

If I stick to my guns then the children won't see their mother, but his attitude suggests to me that he is an abusive twat who shouldn't be around the children. I also worry about her refusal to see the children without him.

What the fuck should I do? Or, am I just being a stuck up cow (his name for me)

Just say - can't do Fridays, children are at school.

Or did I miss something?

Look SS seem to feel he may be a danger to the children-mum's baby is on a child protection plan, you don't get on one of those because you forgot to brush your kid's teeth.

SO unsupervised contact for a long period of hours that is close to a night is something Social Services would probably have concerns about.
IF anything were to happen-and it isn't that big an IF, then they may see you as being unable to protect the children and intervene.

I would stick to the plans that Social Services are aware of, for the sake of your family unit.

does she not mean this friday i.e. tomorrow (new years eve) rather than every friday?

I am not sure I would be even happy with them having contact when he is there tbh (although you are there and know the situation and I am sure wouldn't do this if you didn't think they were safe).

The reasons I say this are:

1. His history of violence
2. Her inability to prioritise the children over her dh (by the fact that she refuses to see them without him there)
3. Their age means that you cannot rely on them to tell you if anything happens as they could be easily intimidated by this man by threatening their mum / them seeing their mum.
4. Their mum is lying to SS about him living with her so I wouldn't trust anything she says about her partner
5. Her attitude of 'he has done nothing so far so he is safe' is sticking her head in the clouds - he may well be safe but his attitude as you have portrayed it suggests anything but

All these things can happen in the current couple of hours that they have contact. So while I would allow the contact (as it is in the childrens interests if they want to see their mum) it would be with me there or in a contact centre. However clearly you love them and have their best iterests at heart so if you are allowing this situation you are clearly happy that they are safe.

Anyway as far as the Friday thing goes I wouldn't allow more than a couple of hours for a visit based on the ss recommendations (a whole day is similar in length to overnight) and as it is extra to the one morning a week agreed contact I think that they should at least do 50% of the driving - agree they should pick up to avoid silly game playing the other end.

Good luck - what a horrible position to be in but the children are clearly very lucky to have you on their side x

I think she's saying that her partner doesn't live with her because a) she would get less benefits and b) because she knows the social workers disagree with his being there.

I would insist on every visit taking place at a contact centre. I don't like him - he is trying to control you. I don't like her - she is putting a violent man before her own children.

Go back to the social workers and show them the texts. I hope you've kept a record of all contact between you and the mum. Say that you do not feel that the children are safe there, that he is trying to control events and that with his history of violence he cannot be trusted. You're happy to let her see the children (thereby obeying the contact rules) but that you cannot take and pick up and leave them in a risky home.

You cannot let them run your life like this. This is the thin end of the wedge, you know that.