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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that women are awful to each other

67 replies

scoobytoo · 28/12/2010 18:49

I can't believe the general competitiveness between mums in regard to child birth and parenting. I have never been asked by a bloke whether I had pain relief, natural or c section, whether I breast feed and how long for etc etc. I find (not all) but women give other women a much harder time than needed. So what if I didn't breast feed till my kids were 2 or that I give my children non organic porridge and plonk them in front of the TV when I've had enough. Stop judging and start supporting.

OP posts:

cumfy · 28/12/2010 23:07

MadamDS is just saying:
Make love not war

poshsinglemum · 28/12/2010 23:21

YANBU. As soon as a friend of mine had given birth she became nightmarishly competetive about everything.
It didn't take me long to realise that this was born out of insecurity.

Before I had dd women were competetive about wieght, clothes, men and work. Whilst pregnant my flatmate was absolutely vile to me. Why; she was jealous that I was pregnant and when dd was born; well the fun really began. I even felt the pressuer to have the ''perfect'' birth after my bets mate did.

Having said taht I have met some lovely mums but oh yes; we are a competetive bunch. It's natural. Ignore it or make a joke out of it.

greenbananas · 28/12/2010 23:37

Some women are lovely to each other. I have met loads of mums at toddler groups who listen endlessly to each other's birth experiences without criticising at all, no matter what their own birth choices were. I've know many breastfeeding mums who empathise very patiently and non-judgmentally with other mums' decisions to formula feed. I think women are capable of supporting each other in ways that men can hardly begin to understand, not having been there in person, and we should be praising each other for our listenng skills rather than tarring the lot of us with the same brush.

Of course you will always meet a few competitive, critical women (sadly my own sister is one of them!) but generally I have found that mums support other mums really well.

ILoveDolly · 29/12/2010 16:25

cupcakebakerer - i suppose i just like talking about it! i don't think it makes me a better person, or was anything i did differently that made it happen. i guess that's the difference between some conversations and others - where the mum you're talking to seems to think she has done it 'right' or 'better' than you - it's sooo annoying!

snowflake69 · 29/12/2010 16:42

It depends what circles you mix in. I bottle fed and all food I made when my daughter was little was from baby jars. I dont think I have ever told anyone or anyone would really care particularly.

I have never had a conversation about feeding or that type of thing with anyone. I just talk with my friends about going out, general things etc. I have never been to baby groups though and hang around in the same group as before so our conversations havent changed really.

I overfed my daughter loads of milk when she was born and made her a bit chunky but shes lost it now. Nothing you do is the end of the world and by the time they get to teens they will probably be binge drinking, taking drugs and living on takeaways so dont sweat the small stuff

Cleofartra · 29/12/2010 18:05

"So I must have done something right!"

Well - there is that theory that if you parent 'right' a third of the time, get things wrong a third of the time, and make a complete hash of things for the last third but know you're screwing up, then your kids will be all right.

Because they're resilient little buggers mostly, as long as they're getting responsive parenting some of the time and a lot of love.

They thrive in spite of all the duff things we do to them (and not because of them)

Cleofartra · 29/12/2010 18:10

Would like to add that I've made loads of mistakes as a parent. I don't think it hurts to say 'I wish I'd done things differently'. I think the 'well it hasn't done them any harm' attitude is just about guilt avoidance. I think it's very difficult to tell how our children's diets and lifestyles in infancy really impact on their long term health and development. None of us can really know - most links between lifestyle and health and developmental outcomes are subtle and not obvious to us as individuals. All we can do when it comes to making these choices for our children is the best we can at the time, based on what we know and what is possible for us.

greenbananas · 29/12/2010 21:22

Cloefarta, you're right - we do the best we can and hopefully we don't mess our children up any more than we can help!! I sometimes wonder if guilt is the most difficult part of motherhood... we all feel guilty about something! e.g. I am mostly very happy with my rather lazy decisions to co-sleep, breastfeed until toddlerhood and carry DS in a sling etc. but still can't help wondering if I'm doing something wrong whenever he is still awake at 11pm

It's great to have other mums to support us and give us non-judgmental information and advice.

snowflake69 · 29/12/2010 21:28

I never get the guilt thing as if any child will grow up caring where they slept, if on the odd night they were up until 11, whether you went out for nights out, they had the odd fruit shoot or whether they were breast or bottle fed.

As long as they are loved thats the main thing. There is no right or wrong way to do things. I am ultra laid back though and cant say I feel guilty about any of it

mrsmarple · 29/12/2010 21:59

I find that if you do what is considered "good" - like breastfeeding/natural birth - you can't talk about it AT ALL in case you are considered to be showing off/being competitive.

I also find that women ask what sort of birth I had. When I said it was quick, I'm not showing off, I'm trying to say it was much easier for me to do it than poor friends who've had 48 hr labours!!

panettoinydog · 29/12/2010 22:10

men will be competitive over other things. There's not much for men to be competitive about when it comes to childbirth.

OpenToLawSuits · 29/12/2010 22:12

Yep, I have friends who are quite judgey pants about my birth. One gave birth in 6 hours in hospital, then criticised me for opting for a home birth which took 4 hours with no tears (which I am happy about-not so much smug)...but it really annoys her that I refuse to have my children in hospital...

I must admit I probably pull a face when 2 of my friends went straight to formula from day 1 and didn't attempt to breastfeed...but I wasn't judging...well maybe I was, but I was feeling superior, ok perhaps maybe I was, OK I wasn't being competitive. Oh, gosh maybe I should re-evaluate myself.

chipmonkey · 29/12/2010 22:46

Eartha, I would have asked about your ELCS, not from judginess but because I have had 4 CS's myself and like to hear about other peoples as well. It's not judginess but more nosiness.

Original poster

scoobytoo · 30/12/2010 08:09

Opentolawsuits

Why would you feel superior because you breast fed? How bizarre.

OP posts:

snowflake69 · 30/12/2010 10:04

See I never get the judgy stuff at all. I formula fed when I came out of hospital. I think whatever people do is up to them.

Same as I dont get the judgyness on here about someone saw someone in the supermarket doing a, b or c. I see the other side of it as in my job I see families who are struggling through no fault of their own and have a lot on their plate. Then I see them in town and try and help them when I see them struggling. It makes you more compassionate when you spend your days hearing other parents struggles.

I see in my job many abused children who genuinely have seen and experienced awful things in their short lives.I have seen children beaten until they are so scared they wont dare come near adults and they are only toddlers.

Its children like that that I am always concerned about, not worrying about what kind of milk someone gave their baby or whether they tried a bit of chocolate.

OpenToLawSuits · 30/12/2010 17:04

I don't see it a bizarre. I believe breasts are there to feed and if you can you should. If you choose not to because of convenience then I get a bit judgey. Some things get under my skin, and that is one of them.

A1980 · 30/12/2010 23:58

I don't get it either. One of my colleagues is one of those smug "I did it naturally" mothers.

She's always on about the fact that she had both of her children at home with no pain relief when ever there's any talk of babies. When she gets ill, she actaully says, I can cope I've had two children wihtout any pain relief so I can cope with anything.

I want to ask her if she thinks she deserves a medal for it. Her kids are 6 and 10 and still she reminds us.

I'm prepared for criticism (even though it's really nobody's business) but if I ever manage to conceive my attitude is that I'm having a ELCS even if I have to pay for it. I may feel different if/when I get pregnant but we'll see. I just don't want to do it, I've seen too many childbirth horrors during my time as a clinical negligence lawyer. it's irrational I know but I can't help it. Also alot of the things I've read on here have put me off. There's a thread about child birth injuries, etc.

My colleague actually scoffed at me and made judgmental comments when i said i didn't want to do it naturally. I don't really think it's her place to judge.

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