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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that women are awful to each other

67 replies

scoobytoo · 28/12/2010 18:49

I can't believe the general competitiveness between mums in regard to child birth and parenting. I have never been asked by a bloke whether I had pain relief, natural or c section, whether I breast feed and how long for etc etc. I find (not all) but women give other women a much harder time than needed. So what if I didn't breast feed till my kids were 2 or that I give my children non organic porridge and plonk them in front of the TV when I've had enough. Stop judging and start supporting.

OP posts:
TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 28/12/2010 19:42

I don't think it is that subjective tbh.

I think it's a mentality born of advanced capitalism where we are sold the idea that everything we do is a result of our own volition. That if we only bought the perfect product, did the right exercise, consumed the right food, then we have a right to expect that everything we do will go to plan nad be perfect. And when it doesn't we become intensely self-critical about why we 'failed' and project that onto all our interactions with others. We are trying to find out 'why' we have not done it right and gathering evidence from everyone else.

When in fact it is as Cleofartra said - nowt we can do about it.

I may be talking shit though. It's not unknown.

Original poster
scoobytoo · 28/12/2010 19:48

Tondelayo

I really like your comment, it's very true. Although, without a shred of research I will boldly state that I think we've been like it for hundreds of years before advanced capitalism. Perhaps we could ask a few mumnetters from North Korea whether they feel the same way [grins]

OP posts:
newyearsheave · 28/12/2010 19:53

I don't think that women are awful to each other. Some are, some aren't. Ditto for men.

My friends have all had different experiences that have included exclusive breastfeeding, expressing, formula feeding, home births, hospital births, births using every kind of drug available and cesareans. We've weaned early, late, used purees, followed BLW. Some have Gina'd, some have had their LOs out till the early hours. Some of us are WOHMs, some SAHMs, some work part time. Child minder, nursery, grandparents...You get the idea. We manage to discuss these without being awful to each other.

"I can't believe the general competitiveness between women" Me neither as I've not experienced it. Maybe I'm just lucky with the people I hang out with.

p.s. LMFAO that at least one PP has just been criticising other women in a post of theirs. Oh the irony.

Original poster
scoobytoo · 28/12/2010 20:04

newyearsheave

What's PP?

OP posts:
SuePurblybiltbyElves · 28/12/2010 20:10

People who tell you all about their birth experiences are much like the people who tell you how they were reading at college level at four or that they once got an A for an essay at school. If it represents the pinnacle of their achievements and they feel the need to bleat on about it - let 'em. Then find new friends.

cupcakebakerer · 28/12/2010 20:11

I am likely to need a c-section due to medical reasons and a friend asked if I would feel I'd failed!!!!!!!!!! The thought hadn't even crossed my mind - whatever is safest for baby surely? Bizarre.

cupcakebakerer · 28/12/2010 20:12

Another one brags about how quick her labours are. Who cares?

NinkyNonker · 28/12/2010 20:13

I can honestly say I have never experienced this, or witnessed it, other than virtually on MN. And even then, only during AIBU bunfights.

cupcakebakerer · 28/12/2010 20:14

Ooh and 'just' needing gas and air. I might need to re-evaluate this friendship before I give birth...

blueshoes · 28/12/2010 20:17

I have never been asked by a woman about bf-ing, pain relief, birth, nor have I asked another woman, even women I regard as quite close to.

It is a pretty intimate question and not one I would think polite to ask.

Original poster
scoobytoo · 28/12/2010 20:17

cupcakebakerer, that is exactly what I mean! Can you imagine a bloke saying that?

OP posts:
cupcakebakerer · 28/12/2010 20:24

No Scooby! I have to say though she is the only one - other friends couldn't give a shit! I think childbirth is something she feels she has 'done well' whereas I'm much happier achieving something in my career...

cumfy · 28/12/2010 20:54

Tondelay

Yes yes.
It's like Olay in reverse:

Olay - Buy it. Because you're worth it.
Perfect birth - you must have been worth it to "receive" that.

Generally people are very apt to ascribe success to their personal input, and failure to environmental factors.

Original poster
scoobytoo · 28/12/2010 20:56

bad workmen always blame their tools

OP posts:
southeastastra · 28/12/2010 20:57

at least we don't whack each other like men do

Cleofartra · 28/12/2010 20:58

"I think childbirth is something she feels she has 'done well' whereas I'm much happier achieving something in my career..."

Why would you begrudge her a sense of well-being and achievement about her birth?

Don't be so mean spirited!

Original poster
scoobytoo · 28/12/2010 20:59

Cleofarta
she can have her sense of well being and achievement but don't use it to put others down.

OP posts:
cupcakebakerer · 28/12/2010 21:14

How on earth am I being the mean sprited one!! I wouldn't brag about a work achievement to make others feel inferior. In fact I wouldn't brag about it at all - it's so uncouth (love that word).

MadamDeathstare · 28/12/2010 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guitargirl · 28/12/2010 21:22

I don't know, I think I might have experienced a bit of that in the months after the birth but my youngest is 2 now and it's been ages since method of delivery or choice of feeding came up in conversation. Now everyone is competitive about other things! Schools and children writing their own names, etc.

Having said that I was asked the other day how long I had continuing sterilising bottles for. I had to say that I had not sterilised bottles as we did not use bottles. I actually felt a bit Blush saying it and I could see that the other mum was a bit Hmm.

Original poster
scoobytoo · 28/12/2010 21:23

MadamDeathstare

It says Whack each other not whack each other OFF!!!

OP posts:
ILoveDolly · 28/12/2010 21:24

I agree that women can be smug about their experiences and competitive to a ridiculous extent. I try not to mind/join in when theres judging occuring. I live in a rather smug middleclass village so there's a lot of it!! But I can't help bragging about how quick my delivery of dd2 was - such a massive and happy surprise in comparison to the first one.

Aren't we allowed to be a little bit happy about our own procreativity. Motherhood is a huge huge huge part of my life, and I think my child rearing experiences do define us. But we shouldn't/can't use it to belittle others without deminishing ourselves.

TrillianAstra · 28/12/2010 21:27

Some women ate awful to each other.

Some men are awful to each other

Some people are awful to each other, regardless of gender.

Are you really surprised?

cupcakebakerer · 28/12/2010 21:34

Hi Ilovedolly. There is a lady at work who had a very fast delivery and she is quite smug about it and tells people about it at every relevant chance - but she is so lovely I don't hold it against her! I do with the other girl though - it's all in the delivery (pardon the pun!). I am genuinely confused however why length/easiness/method of delivery is something to be smug about at all though - you don't 'choose' what it's going to be like; you're not a stronger person for not needing a c-section, drugs etc. Quite frankly it would make more sense to brag over something work related as at least you have control over that...

FabbyChic · 28/12/2010 21:38

What makes me laugh with those who judge is that they have'nt had their children long enough to see what the benefits of being able to see the whole picture yet. i.e breast feeding I didn't yet my children are real healthy both at 22 and 17.

Being a SAHM I wasn't and my children grew up just fine.

Giving the children vegetables, never eaten them yet again they are healthy.

Watching TV. Kids always had a TV in their bedroom from the age of 4, plus their own computers since the age of 11.

So. My kids are doing really well, one last year of a 4 year degree. Never had any problems with them, never been in trouble.

Yet from what I see here if it was current and I was doing all that now my kids would be being bought up wrong.

Well I can attest that my kids are fantastic, intelligent, well mannered and never caused me a days grief.

So I must have done something right!