Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Women who treat men like children

27 replies

singingcat · 28/12/2010 17:57

Now I know that men sometimes do this to women, and much worse things besides, but I have really noticed it this Christmas.

Why do some women micromanage everything their OH does as though he is completely incompetent/a child? Includes constantly commenting on driving, the way they open a bottle of wine, put a toy together, etc. etc. These are grown men who have jobs and manage to get through their working day without killing themselves. Why do their partners have no confidence in their skills to do anything? I would say 'watch out!' to DH if he was about to step backwards onto the cat/child but really try not to criticise for no reason.

Over the past week I have seen my mother doing this to my father, MIL to FIL, SIL to BIL etc. And the upshot is that often the man stops trying, because everything he does gets criticised, or comes to rely on the micromanaging, at which point he gets accused of being a lazy arse. It's such a love killer, I think.

Has anyone else noticed this?

OP posts:

KalokiMallow · 28/12/2010 18:02

Yeah, I've known a few women like this, it seems very strange and cannot be fun!

I know some men are a bit useless and do need to be micromanaged, but why you'd want to be involved with a man that useless in the first place is totally beyond me!

Carrotsandcelery · 28/12/2010 18:07

YANBU - I have noticed this too.
In the summer I watched my SIL mother her boyfriend to painful degree as he got ready to go out golfing with my dh for the day. It was embarrassing. She then complained about having to do it once they had left.
We have a really good relationship so I did say: He is 30 years old, he survived for years before the 2 of you got together. I also pointed out that if she did this and then had kids with him she would find herself completely run into the ground.
My Mum also does this to my Dad. She complains about him getting irritable with her but got a real shock when she watched a video of the kids at Christmas a few years ago - she picked him up on ever single little thing he did - this is a man who was a financial director of a massive company and managed hundreds of people on his way up there! It was hilarious.
My dh is an intelligent man - I leave him to it unless he is doing something incredibly daft and he does the same to me.
Works fine for us!

HappyHECmanay · 28/12/2010 18:14

If you treat a man like a child, you have nobody to blame but yourself when he acts like a child.

Well, that's not really true it would take a weak and pathetic man to slip into the child role. surely an intelligent, mature man would reject that sort of treatment?

And who would want to be with a weak and pathetic man anyway?

Original poster

singingcat · 28/12/2010 18:17

Well I think men put up with it because overall the woman is a good sort and they don't want to break up their children's lives. And some work out that there are benefits to being micromanaged, i.e. you don't have to take responsibility for anything. And others learn to tune out the sound of their wife's voice, and then their wives complain when their husbands don't listen...

OP posts:

BarefootShirl · 28/12/2010 18:28

My Mum has done this to my Dad ever since I can remember. I think he goes along with it because he wants a quiet life. However, I know inside it really winds him up but fortunately he has a very long fuse!

Because I had seen this when I was younger I promised myself that I would never be like it with DH and I think I can honestly say I have succeeded - unless he has been a complete t**t

Ephiny · 28/12/2010 18:34

Maybe they get in the habit of talking to their children that way after years of SAHM-ing so it spills over into interactions with other people? Weird to see it from someone who doesn't have kids yet though!

My MIL does this to her husband and to my DP, and to me a bit, which I find very very annoying, but they seem to just accept. Had a female boss at work once who did this sort of thing too, it really rubbed people the wrong way. Just seems to be a personality trait some people (mostly women) develop.

Having said that some men do seem to behave in a helpless childish way as a strategy to get their wives to take care of everything for them...

Carrotsandcelery · 28/12/2010 19:12

My SIL does it because she is incredibly bossy and controlling. I don't suppose everyone does it for the same reason. I do like my SIL btw

BringOnTheGoat · 28/12/2010 19:32

I do think it's a love killer but it's also a love killer to be with a man who acts like a child. Works both ways IMO.

Original poster

singingcat · 28/12/2010 19:34

But these men aren't acting like children. They are trying to do something and then someone comes over going 'Why are you doing it like that? Don't go so fast! That's not going to work' etc.

OP posts:

saffy85 · 28/12/2010 20:13

Thought you meant properly treating men like children

Over the last 6 years or so MIL has given me tips on how to get DP to eat his greens (hide them in his mashed potato, I kid you not), get him out of his "little moods" (distracting him apparently works, I assume she means with sweeties. I find the "get a fecking grip and stop being a baby!" technique works best) and how to organise his free time

raspberryroo · 28/12/2010 20:38

I have been thinking about this as another thread on chat and really curious why women do it and/or put up with childish behaviour - and what alternatives there are to leaving.

Some of it I think occurs because of different priorities ie Most women care about the social niceties like cards and presents and most men don't and this is where some of it starts maybe?

perfectstorm · 28/12/2010 20:42

I was doing it this morning when DH was feeding the toddler breakfast. He got annoyed and told me to stop micro-managing, and I caught myself and apologised.

He manages a team at work beautifully, and I was quibbling over him feeding a small child scrambled eggs. I apologised profusely.

perfectstorm · 28/12/2010 20:42

Saffy85, my jaw just hit the floor. Um, wow.

saffy85 · 28/12/2010 21:59

I know perfectstorm. I laughed like a hyena on gas and air when she told me I should hide his veggies in his mashed potato- I assumed she was joking.

I do admit to micro managing DP though. "Are you sure you know how much Calpol to give?" "You're giving DD chocolate? How much dinner did she eat?" "No no no! Wipe her bum front to back!" etc etc. Mind you I do this when my mum looks after DD too. "My name is saffy85... and I'm a control freak."

Ephiny · 28/12/2010 22:10

Sneaking pureed veg into his meals , wow, does she think he's 5 years old?

My MIL once tried to give me advice on the best way to iron DP's shirts, I thought that was bad enough!

saffy85 · 28/12/2010 22:25

That's what I asked her Ephiny. Once I stopped laughing and realised that, eeeek! She was serious. It's one of my absolute favourite comebacks whenever DP insists that his parents don't treat infantise him. "Remember the time your mum suggested I disguise your veggies to get you to eat them? Hahahahahahaha!"

I mean I treat him like a child because he is clearly incompetant his mum does it because she don't realise her son has aged in the last 30 odd years. Totally different ishoos imo.

HappyHECmanay · 29/12/2010 09:59

what did she say/do when you laughed at her?

saffy85 · 29/12/2010 15:58

Stared at me and said she was serious. She was. There was a long awkward silence. Made worse by me then asking "Does here come the areoplane work too? Neeeeeeoowwww! Hahahahahaha!" Followed by huge glug of triple double vodka. I have a tendency to say totally the wrong thing in these situations. I should learn to shut up.

PenelopeTitsDropped · 29/12/2010 16:26

Sometimes, they engineer the situation entirely.
They can manage/control a team at work, under extreme pressure; but relaxation at home means engaging the brain off switch. This leads to an inability to load a washing machine or match a pair of socks.

The "I'm not your fucking Mother" and a good verbal kicking is required at these points.

If you put up with this self indulgent crap; and accomodate it, you get self indulged crap.

mayorquimby · 29/12/2010 16:37

Christ I'd go postal if someone did that to me all the time.
Although that's probably the reason that I'm not with someone like that. I think for the most part (obviously excluding abuse situations) men and women who end up in those kind of relationships do so because, to begin with at least, they find it desirable. The person in control likes being in control and running things. The person being infantilised is happy to take orders as it normally means they are also absolved of any real responsibility.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/12/2010 16:46

"And some work out that there are benefits to being micromanaged, i.e. you don't have to take responsibility for anything".

Indeed and this is the case with FIL. MIL is the architect of her own destruction here because she likes to be in charge and be responsible i.e feeling important all the time. She is a controlling sort of person, nothing gets past her in her house of dysfunction.

NinkyNonker · 29/12/2010 17:15

YANBU. I have been known to point out parking spaces to DH though, he then points out to me that he managed to both drive and park quite well for the 17 odd yrs he'd been driving when we met. It is more of a verbalised 'inner monologue' though, I curb it now.

zoezebraa · 29/12/2010 17:21

oh God I do this.. and have only just realised it. Been spending a lot of time together past few weeks and it dawned on me that Ive turned into a right aul nag.

New years res...Got to keep it shut more!

zoezebraa · 29/12/2010 17:22

YANBU
btw

PoweredbyTea · 29/12/2010 17:27

Fortunately there isn't much evidence of this in my family or ILs, it sounds weird. Although I am now shame-facedly remembering an episode at our ILs over Christmas - DH and I were putting out some snack food at the ILs house for people to make sandwiches with and FIL had said there was a new pate in fridge that we should get out. DH hunted in there for about 5 mins and said he couldn't find it and was going to ask FIL where it was. I looked and found it within 2 seconds and had a bit of an 'I told you so' moment

It's as though he goes blank when asked to find things, he's always been like it, so I do tend to take over immediately if he says he 'can't find' something as I never believe that it isn't there! I wouldn't do this otherwise though!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread