DS still being treated as second-hand grandson!

[sterrryerryoh]

OK, I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed at this, but am wondering how best to tackle it.
Disclaimer: I don't EXPECT DS to be given wonderful expensive presents, and understand that some GPs do seem to have (unfairly) favourite grandchildren. Am also trying not to be ungrateful.

(Very) Brief Background:DS is 16 months old, and was adopted by us in Jan this year. DH's parents struggle to accept him, but (in their own way) try, and have now babysat for him, and spent a short amount of time with him.

Boxing day - we went to DH's parents house for dinner, along with DH's brother, SIL and their DD (aged 3)
Presents were distributed from PIL (DC's grandparents)
DN received: a (really lovely) rocking horse, a dolls house with dolls and loads of furniture, plus gift voucher for £25 to get more furniture, tickets to a local pantomime, clothes, numerous toys, and a whiteboard easel and pens

DS received: A dressing gown (he now has 3), a cardigan, a set of bath toys and a hat/scarf set from Matalan.

That was it.

Now - on one level I am fuming, as I think this was grossly unfair, but my head is telling me not to get drawn in, and to understand that we do not have the right to expect presents, and should be happy with whatever we get. DS is only 16 months old - he doesn't know the difference. YET
But next year, and all the following years, this can't be allowed can it? He can't be ostracised like this. So, do I say something, or do I just remove him in the future from this potentially toxic environment where, when he is older, he will see the comparison for himself? Or do I do both? Because right now, I just want to tell them what shit grandparents this has made them.

It's NOT the presents. i wouldn't waste anger over that, if it hadn't been for the utter favouritism shown to DN.

Sorry for rant. what shall I do?

I would be spitting mad if I were you. I'm speaking as a grandmother. They should treat them all equally. However they are strange people, I remember earlier posts.

It would have been interesting to video the event. Here is mountain of presents for the granddaugter. Here are the few presents for the grandson.

Here is a present for you, Gwendolynn. Oh another for Gwen. Let's find one for Sam--here we are, bath toys. Okay, Gwen, here you go, the dollhouse. And the rocking horse. Here Sam, enjoy your sweater.

I'm not sure I could wait til next year. I'd be sooo angry now.

I would not care how the child arrived in the family--they are here, and precious, and squeezably lovely grandchildren.

Oh sterrry, just reading your post has raised my blood pressure. We have just had our first Christmas with our newly adopted dd2 (1) and dd1 (5).

I think it is completely valid to buy very little for a small child, who doesn't understand Christmas, and there is no doubt that dd2 got a lot less than dd1. However, I also feel that friends and family have a responsibility to demonstrate that they consider all the children equally valuable. I noted that those friends and family who are the most warm-hearted and supportive did indeed send lovely presents to dd2, which I think was a message to me as much as anything else. On the other hand, one of my siblings - who has been uninterested to the point of coolness about the arrival of his new niece, sent a joint present for both girls. A book which cannot really be seen as a joint present since it is aimed at dd1's age group, not dd2's. dd2 will inherit it in a few years, but frankly it shows complete lack of interest in her for now. Oh, and he GOT HER NAME WRONG. I am very fond of this brother and I am very, very hurt by this.

It is very hard for me to judge whether you should tackle this head-on now, or wait to see if things improve. The only experience I can share is that dd1 is not the biological grandchild of my in-laws (we are a lesbian couple, so her other mother is non-biological). They have another granddaughter, slightly younger, and have always and very overtly treated the two girls differently. For example, they have a coffee table photo album dedicated to their other granddaughter, that my daughter doesn't feature in. I always went along with this, not making waves, till we had a gruesome family holiday in which it all came to a head. My dd was treated vilely, and I didn't do all I should have to protect her. She was very young, but she DID notice and she was hurt and confused. I feel very bad about this now; I left it far too long to grow a backbone and deal with this. I can't make my in-laws change how they feel, but I can insist (and I have) that I will not expose my dd to that hurtful behaviour any more.

Our adopted dc are going to have to cope with enough unpleasantness in the future - like kids at school who tease him and imply they are second-rate. We cannot afford for them to have that message mirrored within their own families.

Wishing you all the best of luck. How do you think you are going to take it forward from here?

It sounds utterly appalling but could one possible excuse (not justification) be that you and your DH are significantly better off than your SIL? Often when the parents can't afford some of the luxuries you have described (slide, rocking horse etc) the GPs get it if they can afford it?

Even if that was the case, it would be disgraceful to hand out such differing presents at any one time. I don't agree with the stuff about your DS being younger than your DN and not requiring so much because he didn't actually get any proper TOYS - he got clothes and bath toys? There are plenty of nice toys a 16 month old could enjoy playing with so it does sound like they do indeed consider him 2nd hand. If that is the case, that is THEIR problem, not yours or your DS's. You will just have to limit contact with them. My stepmother and father consider my DD to be "better" than my DS. She is actually younger but they are always saying how wonderful/beautiful etc she is and they say they "don't understand" DS. These kids are 4 and 2!!!!! Contact limited, problem solved.

Congratulations on your adoption! This first Christmas must have been amazing for you all! Aaaah so lovely!

As for your in-laws . . . a lot of poeple have said that you should give them time to bond but that shouldn't be necessary. Even if they don't feel close to your child yet they should still treat him the same. It's not bloody rocket science. By not spending the same amount on him that are saying that they don't see him as a full member of your family which is just nasty!

I agree with Orangepoo its not about the age at all, but how your IL's view him, I feel that because he is not their biological GC, they dont see him as such, and those that they presents are token presents, its sad but true tbh. There are so many nice toys aimed at toddlers that they could have got him, and he could have enjoyed, but no they got him things that were of no fun to him.

I would be monitoring the situation, for your dh to have a talk to them about it if it happens again. Tbh you cannot make them do anything they dont want to, just focous on your lovely ds and providing a warm and loving environment for him, and sod the rest.

Do they treat your DH differently to their other child too? could it be favouritism to their children rather than the grandchildren?

If you get on well with your SIL perhaps you could discuss it with her, as it must be embarassing and awkward for her too.

I have the opposite problem DD(5) is the favorite grandchild. DN1 lives in Ireland so is only seen a few times a year but dn2 lives 5 mins away but sil treats us as 2nd class citizens so my parents have bonded more with my dd. At christmas dd got a LOT more spent on her then the other 2 but half were put aside to be opened at a later time when dn2 wasn't around to be upset by it.

My eldest ds is the favourite granchild. It was torture for the others until we decided that the obvious favouritism had to end.

The PIL would buy him extraordinary presents for no reason we could relate to (sometimes they said it was because he was neglected and needed a giant, kick ass 4 wheel drive battery jeep).

It went on for years. Our second born was always an afterthought and one year got some baby dribblers, at age 3, for christmas.

So we decided that all presents had to belong to the entire house, or not at all.

Funnily enough, when dh's sister adopted, they totally disregarded her place in the family. It was so sad really as he is lovely, and just like his sibs in every way (spoilt, mouthy, arrogant - but thats a whole other thread!).

maybe get dh to talk to them?

I'm sorry you had this experience. My in laws have always favoured their other grandchildren over ours ( no idea why, perhaps gender..) and it used to have me fuming every Christmas. My children wee often given nothing at all, whilst their cousins were given presents, and this could happen with all of them together, so it was obvious to the children that they were being overlooked. Birthdays were also ignored. I seemed to have an annual discussion with my husband about it, and we did try the approach of saying at the start of December " if you wanted to get dd1 a present she'd love a ....." That helped a bit, but I have to say over the years I've just come to accept that is is the grandparents loss and if it's how they choose to be that's their decision. Of course it has impacted relationship with their grand daughters ( although not as much as I feared), and if the dd's ask me why no presents, I just say that's how it is, but they shouldn't worry about it. Interestingly as my dd's have got older ( oldest now 10) the grandparents seem to like them a bit more and so they do still have good relationships, and I try not to be jealous of the attention etc given to the cousins. I'm sure for your the fact that your ds has been adopted by you makes it feel more painful, but I think I'm with those who say hold fire for now, and focus on the good stuff. Don't let this upset you too much - your 1st Christmas together must have been full of wonderful moments so let them overcome this.

YANBU at all... you are quite rightly feeling hurt by all this.

Not wanting to make excuses for grandparents. . .but i gues also they just think he is 16 months old and still a baby so wont notice what he gets. . .(but you do ) and other Gchild is 3yrs so more aware.

Whatever i dont blame you and i think you should discuss the matter with DP . . .if anyone can say anything to his parents . . . he can !

Nothing like as extreme as this but I have let DH's mother marginalise me for nearly twenty years. Constant carping little comments about being practical, not going to university, being unable to "perform" because of several miscarriages, etc..

IMO, this needs not to be sat on. This needs to be brought out into the open right now, round a table, with clearly prepared thoughts, one of the most important being that DH is your DS's father, their son and you all deserve a little more respect if any form of relationship is to continue. I would leave them in no doubt that they either accept you all on equal terms or fast forward 25 years and they will be relying on other family members in their old age and for every christmas in the future. Let them know that the door is always open for them but on your terms, as equals to every other family member.

Hi Sterry - I remember your previous posts, did the adoption ceremony end up going ahead without Dniece by the way? I just remembered that and wondered (I was on your side there btw!)

I think,although it might be accounted for by age differences they are still being thoughtless towards you. Also, DN could well notice the difference herself.

I have a 30 month old and a 6 month old and I made sure they both got an equal number of presents from Santa as I didn't want DD1 to think she was being favoured.

I don't think you are BU.

YANBU - that is horrid. My DP has adopted cousins on both sides of his family and they're all considered equal members of the family to the best of my knowledge. I know his Grandmother considers her adopted DGD as equal to her 4 biological DGSs.

My brother's wife has two children from a previous marriage - they are considered equally my parents grandchildren as my other brother's children. Funnily enough my mother is my brother's step mother so she's not even related to these children's new father and she still considers them to be her grandchildren.

Family is about so, so much more than blood and genetics.

OP - perhaps it's worth trying to find out what the issue is with DH's parents. I can appreciate it must be strange for them but they should make a massive effort to not show any favourtism of their DGD in front of your DS - he will soon be old enough to realise. If you can establish the issue it might make it easier to address? Also, see if there are any articles you can show them about adoption for a grandparents perspective - might help them to understand why their behaviour is hurtful.

Some great advice and poignant personal stories, as ever.
Dh and I are not significantly better off than bil and sil, and in terms of "fave son" - I would say that pil have always slightly favoured dh rather than his brother. The weird (and a bit galling) thing is that dh and I received decent presents from pil.

The adoption hearing went brilliantly, eartha, thank you. Such a lovely day. Pil did come, but bil, sil and dn went away for the week - so "problem" solved! [Smile]

Well, it'snot like ds hasn't got plenty of pressies to keep him occupied! And I think I will just wait and see, before making an issue over something that I probably can't change anyhow.

Hope you've all had fabby christmases too!

I have one son my in laws have singled out as the one who should have been a girl.
Between my SIL and I we have 6 boys.
DS2 was VERY pretty and looked like a girl.
My SIL created such a fuss at the time we were both pregnant at them not being disappointed if hers was a boy, I said nothing I didn't think it mattered.
They were SO disappointed when DS was born and didn't come to visit until he was a week old MIL said things like 'I was so looking forward to buying some little pink things'
Roll onto last Christmas SIL and family us and our brood, all opening presents.
DS2 got one jigsaw, everyone else got lots of fantastic presents, DN id exactly the same age (so its not that they didn't know what to get for his age). He cried, Mummy why did everyone else get really got presents and mne is rubbish, while I hate him to sound ungratefull - I agreed with him.
We will not be back for Christmas.
Enjoy your gorgeous son and make your own CHristmas memories.

I haven't read all this thread, but have got the gist of it.

If it helps: My stepmother adopted a baby boy with her first husband, than left him & got married to my Dad.

As far as her parents were concerned, he was the blue eyed boy and I was regarded as the baggage they had to put up with, him being married before etc.

The boy would get everything he wanted, spoilt to death. I remember the Christmases I spent with them, him having box after box of the latest 'must have' toys to open, I got a bottle of bubble bath if I was lucky, plus had to sit & write a thank you letter the minute I'd opened it, whereas he didn't have to do so at all.

What else do you want to know about favouritism?

I hope you had a lovely Christmas as a family despite PiL.
I was adopted as a baby - (but no grandparents around at that point) and as far as I know have always been treated as other nieces/nephews (apart from the doesn't x look like aunt so and so type conversations). However, i only feel related to those members of the family i have seen regularly growing up (I have lots of aunts and cousins so this us quite a number), so I would suggest trying to find a way to let your son carry on seeing his grandparents,maybe when the niece isn't around to grab all the attention, then they can get to know him and start to love him. I see that that they have babysat and you visit them so persevere - you are giving them a chance to know him and giving your son a chance to get to know his grandparents.
You are right to try to avoid occassions when the favouritism of Dniece is obvious. However, this favouritism may be because she iis the first grandchild. My DC are the youngest on both sides of the family and missed out on the mega cheques, days out and huge presents showered on the first born.However, the grandparents are now careful to ensure that all children have equal gifts.
Well done on being so calm and sensible!

Sometimes