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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that dh is taking work phone calls today

53 replies

Fibonacci · 27/12/2010 15:31

He works for a US company and it's not a holiday there today. Phone and Skype have been going all afternoon and the rest of us have to tiptoe around while he talks to his American colleagues. And it's nothing that couldn't wait.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitysantahat · 27/12/2010 19:20

Yes, but how is that relevant to op, deaddei?

deaddei · 27/12/2010 19:23

If you work for a multinational, you have to accept that not everyone has the 2 weeks off we seem to.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 27/12/2010 19:24

He has taken two weeks holiday.

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 27/12/2010 19:35

YABU and YANBU.

YABU because shit happens even if you've taken holiday. For some jobs taking holiday means you don't have to go to the office, not being unavailable. If your DH is the one person who can deal with the query (really deal with it as in authorise something) then his nominated filler-in isn't going to have that kind of power and the other department/company/whatever can't be left hanging for 2 weeks. DH had to authorise something on Boxing Day, which was a Sunday and a non-working day anyway, but there are 2 of them in this zone with that power and it was his weekend to cover. The world doesn't stop for anyone's holiday, not even for Christmas.

YANBU because he should go somewhere quiet if he has to work. I've finally trained DH to leave to room if he's taking work calls. In return I'll pause the DVD/wait before taking another turn in a game/put things on hold if I can!

peppapighastakenovermylife · 27/12/2010 19:37

Why is he lording it over her?

Smallstuff · 27/12/2010 19:43

It's a tough one really....DH is in a UK job but quite senior and often takes and makes calls on weekends and on his holidays.... And he often has to cancel holiday because of things that happen at work.
I am used to it and not so easily annoyed as I used to be. But it is hard when it means me and DC have to tiptoe round the house or he misses meals or social events we are attending....like our recent village outdoor Carol service which he spent on his phone.
So I don't think YABU if he is home and taking non urgent stuff -why isn't there someone actually at work who can do that for him? I would rather DH went in so DC and I can enjoy our day in a different way... I also get annoyed when DH leaps for his work phone every time it rings whatever we are doing rather than letting it go to message and calling back when he has finished bath time/ his lunch/ taking to his DM on our home phone etc etc...I think that is just rude!!!!

Ormirian · 27/12/2010 19:44

I take calls all the time. Christmas Eve being a case in point - I had already given up the Monday before christmas when I was supposed to be one leave. It happens. Yes it's annoying but fairly inevitable,

peppapighastakenovermylife · 27/12/2010 19:47

Difference between a job and a career I feel which essentially long term probably translates into the difference between making ends meet and being comfortable.

Flisspaps · 27/12/2010 19:49

YANBU. If he has taken two weeks holiday, then the phone/Skype should be off.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 27/12/2010 19:54

If I took 2 weeks off and ignored all emails I would never ever catch up!

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 27/12/2010 19:57

"Difference between a job and a career I feel which essentially long term probably translates into the difference between making ends meet and being comfortable."

Rubbish Xmas Grin

peppapighastakenovermylife · 27/12/2010 21:12

Well .. would hope Grin

scottishmummy · 27/12/2010 21:27

downsize.sell house,move area,get him change jobs and prioritise those precious moments.live a frugal life free of interruptions.you could make things and buy basics range

or why dont you get a job and share the financial responsibilities

scottishmummy · 27/12/2010 21:34

i take work calls on holiday.i am available and will support as required.imo,is part of being professional and responsible.do put caveat it is not constant on call but if required or necessary yes i take the call

proudfoot · 27/12/2010 21:46

YABU although I agree it would better for him to work in a study or other room rather than in the middle of the kitchen.

scottishmummy · 27/12/2010 21:51

if it maintains op as sahm,pays mortgage etc that is unreasonable to expect he not take the call.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 27/12/2010 21:58

Oh do fuck off with your "maintains op as sahm".

peppapighastakenovermylife · 27/12/2010 21:58

Also if you do not have a job with similar pressures then it might be hard to understand the need for it. Similarly there is a certain fear which goes with being a main breadwinner.

I find that my job can merge into my life sometimes but accept that as part of a career and progression. I cant just stop thinking / shut off / work certain hours. Yes for non urgent stuff, no for issues.

He could not take the call but I would be scared of the impact upon the job.

As for working shut away ... perhaps he wanted to be around you. Perhaps he was scared about what your reaction would be if he shut himself away.

scottishmummy · 27/12/2010 22:03

if op husband maintains her sahm status then he has to earn all the money.because she doesn't.and until she contributes it will always be uneven relationship.so either
downsize
op get job
accept his sole wage and associated demands maintain the family but try set parameters eg work calls in study etc

newwave · 28/12/2010 01:20

I finished for Christmas 8 days ago and go back on 8th Jan but have been available and taken calls most days, you want to earn a big salary then it comes with strings, if you dont like it get a 9-5 job

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 28/12/2010 08:31

The thing is you HAVE to take the call in some jobs because it could be vital.

Can you imagine a bunch of juniors flapping 'shit, fuck, Lehmann brothers is collapsing, we need to call X!' and X, at home on holiday, looks at the phone and goes 'oh it's only work, I'll let it go to voicemail and check this evening'?

And then once you've taken the call it doesn't matter if it's life or death or not, you kinda have to deal with it because you're on the phone by then and there are very few people you can tell to fuck off, no matter how much you want to!

Oblomov · 28/12/2010 08:56

Dh has gone to work today. For his first day, ever, of his new 'Dream Job'. Big American firm.

My firm's parent co is US. Our CEO workd silly hours at tiumes, but at times he is unavailable. He has 2 small boys.

I think the refernces to sahm issues are not relevant. or whether it is a career or job.
Its just thta some jobs you need to do these things and some you don't. And some people do it OTT, and some people don't seem to know when to say no.
But surely these are deeper issues thta op has known about for years, or really does need to sit down with her dh and decide what is 'reasonable'.

Original poster
Fibonacci · 28/12/2010 09:55

Just to clear up a few things here - I do have a job (am not a SAHM) and I contribute to the finances of the house, although DH does earn more than I do, but i would say my job is equally stressful. In fact I am effectively both working and managing the house on my own for most of the time as DH works abroad for extended periods. I have no problem with him taking work calls if there is a crisis going on or a big deal needs closing, I would do the same, it is dealing with the routine stuff when he is supposed to be on holiday - and we spend only a few weeks together a year as a family - which annoys me.

Yes he has always been like this but this xmas I thought it would be different as he told me his boss had agreed to let him have 2 weeks holiday as he has spent so little time with the family this past year.

He is well aware of my thoughts on the issue too. I am annoyed, so I am venting on here, that's all.

OP posts:
MorticiaAddams · 28/12/2010 10:15

It's unreasonable to blame the company if that is their culture and they expect him to still work. He can switch the phone and computer off and not be available, he is responsible for his holiday time not them.

Oblomov · 28/12/2010 10:55

OP, I think, based on your last post, this is a time-old-classic, of a dh that is never going to change. It is your dh thta is the problem here. If his BOSS, agreed to 2 weeks, noting that he hadn't spent much time with his family, in the last year, well, that kind of sums it all up really, doesn't it.
I think your dh probbably likes it this way. And has no intention of changing. I don't think theres much you cna do, other thna accept.

Unless there is another suggestion, which I can't wait to hear !!