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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to insist my husband goes to see a doctor?

37 replies

gotothedoctor · 27/12/2010 06:51

dh and I have had a dry spell. We are now starting to get our sex life up and running again.

4 times we have tried recently.

Twice he has failed to get an errection.
Once he did manage it but we were interrupted and he went to sleep before we could settle ds and try again.
Last night was the best effort yet and he actually got close to ejaculation, but then lost his errection.

It isn't normal to lose an errection halfway through sex is it?

I am being very supportive and loving about it.

He SWEARS there are no other issues he isn't telling me.

He says it is because...
... he is out of practice
... he is a bit unfit (not particularly true)
... he is a bit nervous
... it's just one of those things

All of which is fair enough, but I still think he should talk to a doctor.

OP posts:
iwasyoungonce · 27/12/2010 07:04

He needs to see a doctor, definitely.

LaraJade · 27/12/2010 07:06

YANBU. Men are a nightmare re: going to the dr. You just need to find the right dr - some are easier to talk to than others (just in case the cause is medical).
Meanwhile concentrate on foreplay - maybe he is subconsciously putting too much pressure on himself to perform.

differentnameforthis · 27/12/2010 07:11

We had this problem. But no dry spell before hand.

I think that one time knocked dh, as it were & he lost confidence.

How is your dh at the other stuff? Mine could maintain an erection during foreplay & come through masturbation/foreplay. Just lost it on thought of penetration. I think he also sensed my disappointment when it didn't work, even tho I didn't say/do anything.

We took sex totally off the table. Did everything else for a few weeks & relaxed. After that, he had no more issues.

Slightly · 27/12/2010 07:12

Yanbu
He is not going to like it, but he does need to go to the doctor.

DeckTheHallWithBowlsOfPomBears · 27/12/2010 07:13

YABU, I think you might be overreacting. Which could make things worse for him.

iwasyoungonce · 27/12/2010 07:43

I would say he definitely needs to see a doctor. If the doctor tells him there is nothing to worry about, and that he could just be tired/ out of practice/ a bit unfit etc. then fine. But that's the doctor's call, isn't it?

pushmepullyou · 27/12/2010 07:48

Does he have problems maintaining an erection during masturbation? If so then he needs to see a Dr, if not it probably is lack of practice.

coccyx · 27/12/2010 09:53

how old is he.
Bit rash to go to Gp already
Maybe he is anxious as flopped before

amijee · 27/12/2010 09:56

How much does he drink? Does he smoke? How old is he?

The above 3 things are the common reasons for failure as well as feeling anxious about his performance so a viscious cycle is set up.

I don't think he needs to go to a dr right now - I think you should let him decide on the best course of action but smoking anad drinking make things worse.

eviscerateyourmemory · 27/12/2010 10:13

I think that it might be a bit soon to talk about going to see a doctor about this. If he is reluctant to talk about it anyway then insisting on the gp at this point will amplify the issue.
If you take the focus off intercourse and in a few weeks there is still a problem then there would be more reason to want to rule out a medical problem, and your DH might be more willing to see the gp at that point.

onimolap · 27/12/2010 10:20

Does he still get the "morning horn" most days? If so, it's pretty unlikely it's a physical problem.

It's also hard to make another person go to a doctor, and it may tend to add further stress to an already difficult situation.

I'd suggest waiting a while before seeking medical advice. You don't say what led to the dry spell - perhaps there are still issues to be resolved?

Original poster
Gotothedoctor · 27/12/2010 10:47

Dry spell lasted over a year.

He has almost no sex drive any more.

He says he does get morning horn. I wouldn't know as we generally play musical beds with small children overnight.

He also says it's because he is getting on a bit. He's 38!!

I think that no sex drive + v difficult to get aroused + losing erection mid shag = time to get checked out.

He doesn't smoke, drinks a little bit but not much, is fairly fit, no other big issues going on that I know of. He says he does still fancy me and was really enjoying last night when his toddler decided to retire early.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gotothedoctor · 27/12/2010 10:50

Sorry, am name changing to preserve dh modesty and have changed to slightly different capitalization by mistake. Am still the op.

If he did go to the doc what should he say? And what could he expect? Tests? Or what? I don't blame him for being reluctant to go but I really think he should. I also have limited sympathy for feeling shy. Try having two highly medicalised pregnancies and births for maintaining dignity. It's just one of those things, and it needs to be checked out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gotothedoctor · 27/12/2010 10:51

Ha, toddler = todger. Terrible typo. Feckin auto correct.

OP posts:
amijee · 27/12/2010 11:07

what was the reason for the one year dry spell?

I think sex needs practice (esp if you are a man) and you can get out of practice.

Yulephemia · 27/12/2010 11:18

DH went through the same at about that age - he was also having lower back pain frequently. The doc said everything had "seized" down there i.e. the muscles had gone into spasm and the erectile problem was probably linked. He gave him exercises to do for the back, and advised him to lose some weight. Once that was sorted, no problems since.
Be patient with him and don't fuss or show disappointment if his erection fails: pressure to perform makes it worse!

differentnameforthis · 27/12/2010 11:19

How is he with foreplay/masturbation though?

If he can maintain an erection & come happily, then it may not be medical. It may just be that he needs time.

I can understand his reluctance to his GP. It is very embarrassing for a start & men feel like they are losing their masculinity when this happens.

I really would be inclined to give it a little longer, seeing what foreplay alone brings & then if he is losing his erection during that time, suggest he seek a medical opinion.

I will say tho, that repeated suggestions of his lack of performance & suggestions to see a dr will do his ego no good & could add to them problem.

As I said before, I went through this with dp. We had several (more than 4) failed attempts. Took the focus off completely & after a while he returned to his normal self, no problems since!

Original poster
gotothedoctor · 27/12/2010 15:03

Foreplay: not great. It's all a bit clinical, and that is his doing not mine. As I said, he has virtually zero libido, so he's not really massively into it. Foreplay is about me doing whatever it takes to get him hard, and then "quick, quick have sex before it goes soft again".

Masturbating: He does, but not often. It's just a practical thing for him. He needs to do it once in a while so he does. I'm certainly not involved.

If he did go to the doctor, does anyone know what he could expect?

How about if he went for a general check-up? Would it get mentioned then?

I DO appreciate that he would feel embarrassed, but I don't think that is a good enough reason not to go to the doctor when something is wrong.

If he were 100% on board with trying all sorts of other things I would be more inclined to see how things go. But he isn't. He is burying his head in the sand and presumably hoping I go off the idea of sex once and for all so we never have to talk about it again.

OP posts:
classydiva · 27/12/2010 15:12

Its easy to determine what it is, pressure, far too much pressure for him to have to perform.

Relax take things easy and stop making him feel like it is something he has to do as your husband as opposed to something he wants to do.

ItsKurriiiistmas · 27/12/2010 15:15

Is he on any kind of medication that could be affecting his libido/sexual function?

Original poster
gotothedoctor · 27/12/2010 15:26

If I "relax take things easy and stop making him feel like it is something he has to do as your husband as opposed to something he wants to do" then we NEVER EVER HAVE SEX. Not for years at a time.

This is going to destroy our marriage eventually. We need to fix things.

He SAYS he wants to have sex with me. He SAYS he wants a regular, normal, loving sex life with me, his wife, who he loves and fancies. HE SAYS he enjoys it when we do.

What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to do?

We have been talking and talking and talking for months now.

He will think of any excuse in the world not to have sex.

Please don't think I am standing at the foot off the stairs with my megaphone ordering him upstairs to do his marital duty, and giving him marks out of ten at the end. I love him. I am gentle and encouraging and understanding and lighthearted and thoughtful and relaxed about it all. I am trying my best here. But after all this I am left with a man who goes soft after 7 minutes of shagging, despite coming close to climax but not quite getting there. And this after 3 months of working up to actually trying to have sex.

Is this really not a medical thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
gotothedoctor · 27/12/2010 15:27

No medication.

Does not smoke or take drugs.

Is not excessively tired.

Drinks a couple of beers a week.

No major financial or family worries.

Not gay.

Not having an affair.

AFAIK anyway.

OP posts:
DeckTheHallWithBowlsOfPomBears · 27/12/2010 16:14

Now you have filled in with more details, I would say yanbu. He should do something about it, if he doesnt want to go to the doc, then what is his proposed solution?

rupert1 · 27/12/2010 17:05

I suggest next time things are almost happening but not quite, check his pulce and check he is breathing,if all ok reach under the bed and pull out a set of heavy duty jump leads, firmly attache the red crockodile clip to his old bill by now you will probably some sort of reaction and things will probably change.That way at least you have tried everything and he should get the message.

llbeanj · 27/12/2010 18:12

"quick, quick have sex before it goes soft again" doesn't sound like fun.
i think you can get viagra from boots, maybe he might find that easier, he would still need to talk to somebody about it though