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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking men are not hard done to?

35 replies

firefliesinjune · 26/12/2010 09:15

My Mum and SIL came for Christmas dinner. DH wanted to cook as it meant he could hide in the kitchen cooking (and smoking)

I had offered to do the cooking but he was happy for me to keep everyone else entertained (out the way)

My Mum went into the kitchen and started to go on and on about how lucky I am I have such a wonderful DH and how I didnt appreciate him. I said yes I do appreciate the things he does do and he knows this. I didnt say well actually he does next to nothing around the house and I am shattered all the time with 2 DC and everything else.

My Mum wouldnt leave it though and went on about how "young women" nowadays have no clue what men have had to go through to "change" and that they have done so well in such a short space of time to adjust to having to do everything a woman does.

I said well maybe back in the day they got away with not doing much but surely we SHOULD expect them to pull their weight eh?

Mum said that us "young women" should be grateful and it not easy for these men as they have no choice but to change as we would not have it any other way.
(aw diddums)

My DH said nothing and I didnt want a row so I just wandered off and kept quiet but its really annoyed me. Am I being unreasonable to find her attitude really irritating!

If my DH really did pull his weight and all was hunky dory maybe I wouldnt feel so annoyed but he genearally doesnt he was only cooking dinner to escape them!

BTW I am SAHM and DH works 24 hours a week.

OP posts:

showmewine · 26/12/2010 09:20

YANBU
i wish i could hide in the kitchen smoking and cooking most of the time!!

I think that generation of peeps purposefully set out to irritate us

hope you have a lovely day worshipping the ground your DH walks on

NOT!!!! If you are SAHM you work bloody hard so don't take and cr*p from anyone about how easy we have it we don't

TheSecondComing · 26/12/2010 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 26/12/2010 09:27

My DH does this at Christmas (and actually every sunday to cook a roast). I do all the organising and buying and then he does the cooking.

Ok, fab. However he stays in the kitchen for the entire time the meal is cooking on his own whilst I look after the 3 DC (all 4 and under).

When I cook an evening meal - perhaps roast a chicken so essentially the same minus the extra bits - I do that and look after 3 DC's

I would love to have that peace and quiet in the kitchen, listening to music on my phone, singing away and drinking wine. Bliss!

If we have people over they always comment on how lucky I am that he does it - and thank him so much for the meal (he put in the oven).

peppapighastakenovermylife · 26/12/2010 09:29

thesecondcoming . My DH the other day suddenly and urgently had to clean out and wash the cutlery drawer whilst I entertained the stroppy overtired overexcited 4 year old, the 2 year old who is, well, 2 years old and the wont be put down growth spurting feeding all the time 4 month old.

The cutlery drawer FFS! When I challenge him on it he acts like we live in a Kim and Agggie style situation and he can't believe I don't clean the cutlery drawer more often |(disclaimer - I work full time)

showmewine · 26/12/2010 09:30

some men are knob ends gawd i love that word!

easy to hide in the kitchen instead of playing with Dchildren which might be boring but we mothers end up doing it 99% of the time for some reason

Original poster

firefliesinjune · 26/12/2010 09:30

I am not alone then! I didnt think so. Just really annoying! He thought it was hilarious!

OP posts:

showmewine · 26/12/2010 09:31

Peppa you don't clean your cutlery drawer? what kind of person are you?

Original poster

firefliesinjune · 26/12/2010 09:33

And he didnt even do it all himself.

I washed and peeled the veg. I put it all together. He put the bird in the oven and then sat in the kitchen reading his book.

I was then shouted when it was time to serve up and had to do the gravy, make stuffing and serve up whilst he faffed with carving and I did this was DD 8 months on my hip.

But no no. I am very ungrateful obviously!

OP posts:

Original poster

firefliesinjune · 26/12/2010 09:34

*with DD 8 months.

OP posts:

FunnyLittleFrog · 26/12/2010 09:34

YANBU. Reminds me of when my dad started on about how wonderful my DH was when he took one month old DD for a nappy change, as if I was meant to be grateful that he was doing something for me.

Men often go in for the glory cooking don't they? Xmas dinner, BBQs... you don't catch so many doing tea every night and making packed lunches because that's boring and routine and there's no one there to fawn over them and say how wonderful they are.

jazzchickens · 26/12/2010 09:38

YANBU and don't get me started on the fact DH expects praise for any contribution he makes to the chores and he sulks if he doesn't get it!

saythatagain · 26/12/2010 09:39

My dh is not hard done by. I can only speak about him. I do all the day to day running of the house and those that live in it. He will clean the house on a Sunday when i have taken dd out with me and truly thinks that makes him hands-on - utterly deluded! I could go on and on but then that would make me boil with anger and that is a waste of my already zapped energy!

Triggles · 26/12/2010 09:44

I am a SAHM, and DH works. He still does a fair bit around the house, although sometimes I do need to ask for help. But when I ask, he is generally happy to help. He has some days where he's less than helpful, but then so do I.

If he really wasn't pulling his weight around the house, my MIL would be the first one to set him straight! I love my MIL.

TigerFeet · 26/12/2010 09:46

oh god this reminds me of a recent convo with my mum

the dd's and i had spent the weekend with her (200 miles way), dh had stayed at home as he was leaving on a business trip early on sun morning

got home on sunday evening and rang mum to let her know we were home safe. we started a dull convo what a ballache it is getting ready for monday morning and i said something about dh having ironed dd1's uniform while I was away so all i had to do was make packed lunches

well mum then starts on about how considerate it was of dh to do the ironing, she was positively gushing about how marvellous he was to do it "for you" (I hate that, he's done the ironing "for you", no he hasn't, he's done the fecking ironing. full stop.)

dh had the house to himself for 24 hours, tbh i would have been pissed off if he hadn't done at least a bit of housework whilst unencumbered by children, fortunately dh (who is by no means a perfect specimen of manhood) isn't allergic to housework and pulls his weight.

TheSecondComing · 26/12/2010 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WriterofDreams · 26/12/2010 10:00

My mum isn't the typical old-fashioned woman of her generation and very successfully turned my dad from a caveman into a passable home maker when he was made redundant. However, when I first moved in with DH years ago, and I was working full time while DH was faffing about working hard on his PhD I remember my mum being shocked when I said I didn't do his laundry! I looked at her in open-mouthed shock when she said I was "very hard on him." Just because I had moved in with him, she expected me to take over all the washing!!! It was only then I realised that in all the years my mum had been working fulltime in a very stressful job and my dad was at home, he had never done a single load of laundry. When I challenged her on her attitude she couldn't really defend it.

BTW I still don't do DH's laundry (9 years later) and I never will. I don't understand why anyone would do anyone but their own and their children's laundry.

classydiva · 26/12/2010 10:03

Having children staying at home, and keeping house clean is no big deal and not a hard job.

I'm amazed that some women think it is and that they are hard done by because their men do nothing

Back in the day men did nothing all they did was work, so theoretically your mother is right, men have had to change.

I think relationships aren't about what we can do for each other it's about more than that.

Seriously sick to the back teeth of my husband does nothing, why do you need a man to do anything, women should be more than capable of doing everything themselves.

I done everything myself and it never hurt me, why rely on someone to do something, far easier to get on and just do it.

Best to be as independent as possible even in a relationship.

TheSecondComing · 26/12/2010 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Truckulent · 26/12/2010 10:12

Men? Pah, they don't know their born.

Original poster

firefliesinjune · 26/12/2010 10:15

Classy I am so glad you find doing everything for yourself so easy.

I prefer to work as part of a team - because thats what I think being in a relationship is. Its teamwork. My DH needs a kick up the bum or he would just sit about reading whilst I did everything.

I dont care what anyone says thats just wrong!

OP posts:

Triggles · 26/12/2010 10:22

Classydiva - so happy for you that you "done" everything yourself. However, some of us prefer to have a partnership with our significant other, which is why DH and I both do housework, cooking, and raising our children. It's OUR house and OUR children. That means we share responsibility. It doesn't mean we are not independent. It means we work together on the things that are important to both of us. That's what a partnership is.

And stuff your "Having children staying at home, and keeping house clean is no big deal and not a hard job." Big ol' fat Christmas to you on that one.

Truckulent · 26/12/2010 10:23

Ime though it isn't part of a team very often. One person has to decide what needs doing and to what level.

To do it equally both would have to have jobs they are responsible for and they are responsible for getting it done.

Original poster

firefliesinjune · 26/12/2010 10:33

I agree it would be more equal if jobs were assigned. We are not that organised here. My DH says he is happy to do jobs but not always when I ask him to - he might be busy doing something else (reading)

So when the rubbish bin is overflowing or the pots need washing as no spoons or something and he is "busy" I just have to get on with it. In that way I see its easier to just do it yourself but then theres a little thing called resentment...

OP posts:

Triggles · 26/12/2010 10:45

I've found that I need to let go of the "do it myself" attitude sometimes. Yes, DH folds the towels different than I do. And sometimes hangs up the clothing a bit wonky. But he does it. It was initially difficult when we were first married as I wanted him to do it "my way", but I soon realised that as long as he's doing it and doing a reasonable job of it, doing it his way is just fine.

Triggles · 26/12/2010 10:46

oops differently

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