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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a mother to put her child before booze?

38 replies

lololizzy · 24/12/2010 21:25

Background is that my fiance's ex has had it in for us ever since we got engaged last Spring (even though she got engaged straight after in a copy cat style!) He was single for yrs before meeting me, she ended the marriage after many yrs of her cheating etc.
I always tried to be friends with her as we have someone in common (ie a child) and we are the same age (my fiance is quite a bit older) and have the same interests. She was having none of it but turned v nasty after our engagement, hence this yr has been a serious of threats inc physical.
Last Christmas Day i did the two hr round trip to collect the son to bring back to ours (my fiance does not drive) I was happy to do so but she was rude and ignored me , would not even wish me a Merry Christmas and blanked me.
Now she has turned round and said instead of taking it in turns she will not be dropping him off to ours tomorrow. In other words,i have to make the trip again. She has deliberately schemed and planned all this. I am not well at the moment and it will really disrupt the day. There is absolutely no one else can do this trip. Her reason is that it is down to us and she wants to be drinking from breakfast onwards, and knows i am not a big drinker (I only tend to drink on birthdays, Christmas and hols- not that it's any of her business) I know she is doing this to set me up ie i honestly think she wants me to say i'm not doing it again this yr, then she can tell their son i hate him .
I have no choice do I?? if i don't give in to her bullying then i ruin mine, the child's and my fiance's Christmas. I really resent being put in this position. If i say no my fiance will be resentful to me as initially i did put my foot down and he got really upset with me.
She is very jealous that i get on so well with their son.
I can't win whatever i do as if i make the trip which of course i will have to, i've given in to someone who threatened a few months ago to come over and smash my face in (she has a violent past and is totally irrational) and it makes life easier for her so she can have her drinks, entertain her partner and not leave her cosy home .
I know i have to do this and disrupt my day but i'm really upset as feel emotionally blackmailed by both her and my partner.
I was in tears as feel have been bullied and hounded all yr by this woman.
So much for a happy first Christmas of being engaged.

OP posts:
secondbest · 24/12/2010 21:29

I would just suck it up for the child's sake tbh, unless your health problems make the journey impossible/unwise.

chrimblycompo · 24/12/2010 21:30

Does your partner go with you to pick his son up?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/12/2010 21:34

od you both sound really petty TBH.

your fiance is responsible for collecting his son. if you are too unwell or don't want to do it that is no excuse for him not too arrange transport and collect himself. he would eb a knob to resent you for this after you did it last year and aren't well.

Original poster
lololizzy · 24/12/2010 21:39

he will be going with me. There is no transport on Christmas Day and they are in a rural location

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/12/2010 21:42

your fiance has bo family that want to see their granson/nephew/cousin?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/12/2010 21:42

no family

Original poster
lololizzy · 24/12/2010 21:45

no one around this part of the country, no. I will do the trip and not be a 'martyr' about it but honestly this woman has been vile to me all year and i had a gut feeling she would do this. I wish i could have a thicker skin and rise above it.

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/12/2010 21:49

yes that's what you need to do. you know how she is so start expecting her to arse you about in future and take it all in your stride. rise above it and remember it is only for teh little boy that you tolerate it. don't bit back to any insults and don't let her know that her ignoring you has been noticed.

StealthPolarBear · 24/12/2010 21:55

Well if she is drinking from breakfast it sounds like she is an alcoholic tbh
I'd focus on the fact you are doing this to ensure the boy you care for can spend the day with you. I'm sorry it's throwing your plans out though and it's a pain to do ill, but I feel a bit sorry for him :(

StealthPolarBear · 24/12/2010 21:56

Can your fiance not stay behin with your DC (won't be fun for the LO being in the car for ages anyway) and do some of the jobs you were planning?

Original poster
lololizzy · 24/12/2010 21:56

I won't go in i will just wait outside. The son comes first and i won't ever badmouth her to him in fact the opposite i've even stuck up for her before, she is engaged to a woman and he's been teased about it and i stuck up for her despite how she's been to me as i don't tolerate homophobic remarks. He knows what a psycho she can be as witnessed it with all her exs! Is just a crappy scenario but have decided cannot let it come between me, my fiance and my stepson to be.
Sorry for rant.

OP posts:
Original poster
lololizzy · 24/12/2010 21:57

He wanted to spend all of Christmas with us but she was having none of it. Her father staying with her but won't drop the son off as he is a serious alcoholic.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 24/12/2010 21:57

Good, take the moral highground as it doesn't sound like she is

porcamiseria · 24/12/2010 21:58

maybe get DP to learn how to drive? bum situation, sorry

Original poster
lololizzy · 24/12/2010 22:00

StealthPolarBear, i don't have children. I joined Mumsnet as going to be a stepmum for the first time and feel blessed with that and will take that role really seriously.
Another thing that gets to me is i really think she uses the fact i can't have kids, against me like oneupmanship she has made some hateful personal remarks before to twist the knife in. Honestly think she wouldnt make these demands of me if i had my own child.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 24/12/2010 22:02

oh sorry when you said you had children in common I thought you meant...well yswim :)
She sounds hideous. But if she is an alcoholic (with an alcoholic parent too) it sounds like he'll need someone to be a stable adult figure which hopefully you and his dad can be.

Original poster
lololizzy · 24/12/2010 22:02

And that, i think is why i've been crying and feeling like poo..that she treats me like a taxi and that ive got nothing better to do than to come running as my life is emptier (shes said words to that effect before). Which i always did as wanted to appear the decent one ..hmm. And because i love my stepson!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 24/12/2010 22:03

You;re plannning a family Christmas
She's planning to drink all day without her son
I know whose life sounds emptier to me

Original poster
lololizzy · 24/12/2010 22:03

Stealth, that is it, we are the stable figures and that is where her resentment lies. but i never tried to make her look bad, always bent overbackwards and never badmouthed her. She sees me as a threat as her son does like the normality of being with a hetero couple. That's not my fault and on that score have always stuck up for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
lololizzy · 24/12/2010 22:05

she has her fiancee, her dad (big boozer) and her grownup son(also big boozer ) there that's why she is refusing the leave the house, apparently. Says she wont disrupt her family xmas! won't disrupt her day but views my life as barren and empty!

OP posts:
NannyBeth · 24/12/2010 22:17

Stealth - I plan to be drinking from breakfast tomorrow and am not an alcoholic!!

Op - what a shit situation to be in! I hope you manage to work it out and all have a good xmas. For what it's worth the ex sounds like a twat!!

gingerjam · 24/12/2010 22:19

YANBU

People have feelings. Even the mum/ex. She sounds like she has a few problems including that she ruined her marriage by cheating and broke up her family, has anger problems. I'd need a drink if I was her. It also sounds like her ex has found a nice stable woman to marry. You are also possibly a better mother figure to her own child. That is her own problem if so. I think it all adds up to the unfortunate reality that she will be a very bitter woman who you will have to put up with for another 10 years. Its not your fault but this now part of your reality. You could all sit down and have it out but I don't think it would help.

I think you can only really be a "mum" stepmum if bio mum in some way relinquishes her desire and action to be a mum. That hasn't happened and it sounds like you are trying to mum on her mummy patch. That is touchy ground and I would tread carefully.

Also, don't blame her for things that are your partner's responsibility. It is on him to pick up the child. If he can not drive and you are doing that on his behalf then he is the one treating you like a taxi service not her.

Original poster
lololizzy · 24/12/2010 22:25

gingerjam, it actually happened at Christmas. My fiance heard her on the phone to person she was cheating with and it all came out. Christmas therefore v sensitive for her AND my partner but not my fault. Years before i came along.

OP posts:
Original poster
lololizzy · 24/12/2010 22:26

would never tread on her shoes, always defended her (to the son) despite her nastiness but this is the last straw. Still..grit teeth and all that!!

OP posts:
Longtinsellyjosie · 24/12/2010 22:35

Is there a medical reason your fiance can't drive? If not, lessons asap, I'd argue...

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