to expect a mother to put her child before booze?

[lololizzy]

Background is that my fiance's ex has had it in for us ever since we got engaged last Spring (even though she got engaged straight after in a copy cat style!) He was single for yrs before meeting me, she ended the marriage after many yrs of her cheating etc.
I always tried to be friends with her as we have someone in common (ie a child) and we are the same age (my fiance is quite a bit older) and have the same interests. She was having none of it but turned v nasty after our engagement, hence this yr has been a serious of threats inc physical.
Last Christmas Day i did the two hr round trip to collect the son to bring back to ours (my fiance does not drive) I was happy to do so but she was rude and ignored me , would not even wish me a Merry Christmas and blanked me.
Now she has turned round and said instead of taking it in turns she will not be dropping him off to ours tomorrow. In other words,i have to make the trip again. She has deliberately schemed and planned all this. I am not well at the moment and it will really disrupt the day. There is absolutely no one else can do this trip. Her reason is that it is down to us and she wants to be drinking from breakfast onwards, and knows i am not a big drinker (I only tend to drink on birthdays, Christmas and hols- not that it's any of her business) I know she is doing this to set me up ie i honestly think she wants me to say i'm not doing it again this yr, then she can tell their son i hate him .
I have no choice do I?? if i don't give in to her bullying then i ruin mine, the child's and my fiance's Christmas. I really resent being put in this position. If i say no my fiance will be resentful to me as initially i did put my foot down and he got really upset with me.
She is very jealous that i get on so well with their son.
I can't win whatever i do as if i make the trip which of course i will have to, i've given in to someone who threatened a few months ago to come over and smash my face in (she has a violent past and is totally irrational) and it makes life easier for her so she can have her drinks, entertain her partner and not leave her cosy home .
I know i have to do this and disrupt my day but i'm really upset as feel emotionally blackmailed by both her and my partner.
I was in tears as feel have been bullied and hounded all yr by this woman.
So much for a happy first Christmas of being engaged.

yes, medical reasons unfortunately! He will often take many buses and trains for the round trip but no transport tomorrow. She has sprung this on us as wants a champagne breakfast with her fiancee then drinks all day. I know it is a test to see what i will do. She could easily go without a drink, as far as i know has no drink problem, has an extremely responsible job etc

"NannyBeth Fri 24-Dec-10 22:17:10
Stealth - I plan to be drinking from breakfast tomorrow and am not an alcoholic!! "

But would you mess your child's plans around to do that?

I will do it,but who likes the feeling of being backed in a corner?

You're right. It's downright unfair that you're being expected to deal with this. Plus it's downright unfair that if you take a stand on this and refuse, the people who will miss out the most - your stepson, your fiance, and you - are not the ones at fault here. It's a shitty stick and you're getting the smelly end.

Maybe the best you can make of this mess is to slap a fake smile on your face and do it this year but have a serious chat with your fiance about how he is going to deal with this if/when it happens again.

Kids aren't stupid. Take the moral high ground and you step son will see it (if not today then soon) and she'll have created a situation for herself by being a cow. The little boy will soon notice where his mother's priorities are if she can't be arsed to stay sober enough to drop him off.

You sound like a nice person good for you for looking after your sson and helping out your fiance.

Hope the three of you have a lovely Christmas day.

Why doesn't he just get his ass in a taxi/bus/train and go get him?

try to arrange next year to meet half way,might work but maybe not if she is just being bloody minded but worth a try.Hang in there DSS will see through her in time.

Stepson is 11, very bright and sensitive , he knows the score. His mother has been in some v abusive relationships and put him through hell. Now she's engaged to someone decent but he hasn't forgotten. I've never tried to get one upmanship and like i said, often stuck up for her, as he started secondary school this yr and has been teased about her sexuality. I put him straight on this and didnt have to as she has been so irrationally hateful to me. Not that i was being unsensitive to him either, if that makes sense..just explaining that some people are ignorant about other peoples life choices ie her being with a woman.
TyraG, they are in a rural place, no buses or cars, i wish he'd put money aside for a taxi but its a two hr round trip.
I guess she hates me because she knows that i know about her past. It makes her feel vulnerable?? threatened? but i would never do anything (with that info) and not my fault that i know. My partner had to tell me stuff about her background as was relevant eg in relation to stepson etc.

she went beserk when we suggested meeting halfway. She refuses to leave her house, it is a way of making me look bad as she expects..actually wants..me to refuse to go. I won't give her that satisfaction. We want to see the child..so we have to do what we have to do but i am resentful of being bullied into this trip due to someone's manipulative games

So for all visits (not just Christmas ones), you make sure she has to pick up the kid from yours and you do the same from hers. That way nobody can be made to do both trips. If the parent that's due to do the pickup decides at the last minute to get shitfaced drink a bit, then it's the kid they are letting down and not putting the other parent/family out.

Sounds like you need to lay down the law where possible. Luckily if the son is 11 it'll only be another handful of years and then he'll happily be able to decide for himself to ignore his fuckwit mother for good.

Couldn't the poor kid have been transported on christmas eve or boxing day.I don'tr see how its in his interests to spend an hour in the car on xmas day.