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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that this couple is selfish and horrible

46 replies

IHeartKittensAndWine · 24/12/2010 12:42

My mother runs errands and drops in to see an elderly lady she's known for years who lives nearby in sheltered accommodation. She's 98. In the past year she's had a bad fall and pneumonia. Her son and daughter in law used to live round the corner and see her all the time. Earlier this year they moved thirty miles away (still not far, good roads trains etc). They have seen her ONCE since she had pneumonia, but promised to get a hotel room nearby for xmas eve - boxing day and come up and see her a couple of times between then and the New Year.

My mother has just rung me asking if we can set an extra plate for lunch tomorrow because the couple have just called her said can we take the elderly lady because they won't make the journey. All they have said is that they "don't really feel like it". Trains are running with only minor delays, motorways gritted etc. (They are only in their late fifties, do a lot of sport etc and general good health).

Of course it's fine to have her over. But my mother's spoken to her and she's devastated. She's been looking forward to this visit for WEEKS and it's just been snatched from her at the last minute without an explanation.

AIBU to think that her son and daughter in law are being really selfish and horrible? And not "because it's Christmas" but because they had promised something to a frail and lonely old lady who dotes on them. I understand people who don't get on with their parents etc but they haven't cut ties, just lost interest. They have seen her ONCE in the past three months and frankly, she isn't going to last much longer.

OP posts:
jesusthisstableiscrowded · 24/12/2010 12:54

always remember that there are two side to every story!, yes, she may well be a lovley cuddly old lady to you and your mother - she may also turn into a total harriadan at the first sight of a relative!

rainbowinthesky · 24/12/2010 12:56

I agree with Jesus. There are 2 sides. Being old and frail doesnt suddenly make you a lovely person who has never done wrong in the past.

BertieBasset · 24/12/2010 12:58

well regardless of what she may have done, or not, they shouldn't promise something and take it away at the last minute.

I think it is lovely you are spending christmas lunch with her.

lal123 · 24/12/2010 12:59

DP has a 96 year old GP - and there is NO WAY he is coming to ours for Christmas - he is a rude beligerent drunken old man who has burnt his bridges with us.

IHeartKittensAndWine · 24/12/2010 13:00

Very true Jesus. Also we just see her as someone who is kind and elderly and frail, without backdrop of years of toxicity/silent treatment etc which relatives would see!

TBH, in my heart of hearts (and I won't admit this to anyone in RL, just to Mumsnet). I'd rather she wasn't coming - this is the first Christmas meal I've ever done myself, and it puts more pressure having someone who isn't my immediate family (who can cope with the fact I won't do everything traditionally/might fuck up in my tiny kitchen and serve bangers and mash instead).

OP posts:
IHeartKittensAndWine · 24/12/2010 13:01

Also agree with you Bertie - it's the fact that she was PROMISED something and they renege at the very last minute.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 24/12/2010 13:04

Yes, very important to remember that lovely old ladies could once have been nasty, abusive mothers.

IHeartKittensAndWine · 24/12/2010 13:06

Nancy I didn't mean that, just realising that there is stuff going on that we won't know about. I don't think that changes the fact that if you PROMISE someone who is elderly and lonely something it is selfish and horrible to then take it away...

OP posts:
silverfrog · 24/12/2010 13:06

It is very sad for the lady concerned, but there may well be another side to this story.

If she is 98, and it is her son you are talking about - he is 60+, I assume and it could be that he (or his wife) are not in the best of health necessarily either.

The could be sparing her some dreadful news at analready pressured time of year

ChippingIn · 24/12/2010 13:08

Also, if they used to visit all the time when they were near, I can't really see what she could have done in the past few months to make a big difference to their relationship?!

I wonder if one of the is ill and they don't want her or your Mum to know??

I'm sure she will just enjoy the day out and spending it with your family - I doubt she'll care what you have/do etc It may be her last Christmas, just make sure she feels wanted and warm - that's all she needs!

IHeartKittensAndWine · 24/12/2010 13:10

Yes but Silverfrog couldn't they have at least lied and said they had colds? They have told my mum and the elderly lady that "we just don't really feel like it" which just sounds thoughtless imo.

OP posts:
mollymax · 24/12/2010 13:12

I am about to roll out the red carpet for my 92 year old grandma who was a dreadful mother and gran, but it is Christmas and I would hate to think of anybody alone on Christmas day.
Hence the reason we are having 13 people to lunch tomorrow.

Nancy66 · 24/12/2010 13:13

You don't know they promised that though - also she may get confused and forget things.

My 90 year old grandmother is in a home - she tells all the nurses that her children never visit - when they all visit her about 3 times a week

arentfanny · 24/12/2010 13:13

Agree with Jesus, you don't know what the relationship is like.

littleducks · 24/12/2010 13:14

I dont think it matters what she may have done in the past, they should make their peace or if the truely can't then they should not promise something and cancel at the last minute, disrupting Kittens family xmas and upseting the elderly lady

coldtits · 24/12/2010 13:20

YANBU, sod t sod it sod it, I don't want to see two sides of every story, I used to work in elderly accomodation and you wouldn't believe how self absorbed ele can be, how utterly blind to the misery their flakiness has caused. I have seen more sad little granny faces on Christmas day than on any other day, so they can all just FUCK off.

YANBU, you are being evry angelic, and at least this way the little old lady gets to see children at Christmas.

coldtits · 24/12/2010 13:21

Middle aged people are the most bloody mindedly selfish people I know.

atswimtwolengths · 24/12/2010 15:19

What!

Mobly · 24/12/2010 15:28

You're doing a lovely thing op.

edam · 24/12/2010 15:42

Agree you are being very kind, OP. Think it's a little unfair of everyone to jump to the conclusion that she must be a horrid person - sadly Colditz is right, there are an awful lot of families who just can't be bothered once a relative is in a home. Selfish gits.

Used to see a lot of it when we visited my Great Uncle - all the other elderly people were desperate for someone to talk to. Sometimes they'd say 'you remind me of my granddaughter' or something, only for a member of staff to tell me later the granddaughter hadn't been near the old lady for a year or more. Sad

PressureDrop · 24/12/2010 15:44

They are mean.

Isn't Christmas supposed to be the time when you put up with even the meanest old relative because...well, it's Christmas?

I have got my MIL staying under my roof for 3 weeks. That's Christmas spirit! Grin

midori1999 · 24/12/2010 15:46

It's very nice of you and I agree with those who have said whatever she has or hasn't don ein the past, they are selfish. Not just for not wanting to come and see her, but for putting a guilt trip onto your Mum and asking her to have her on Christmas Day. They clearly don't think she should be on her own, so why 'pass her on' to someone else.

My Gran used to nurse the elderly, those so ill they were in hospital, only the tiny minority of them got any visits from relatives over the Christmas period and they can't all have been nasty old harridans. My Gran used to take my sister and I (we were quite young) with small gifts on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, whichever she had off and the ladies loved it and so did my sister and I.

I could never see someone alone for Christmas Day either, especially someone who may well not have time to make many more happy memories.

purplepidjbauble · 24/12/2010 18:39

I used to have a colleague who would tell residents that they were going to organise all sorts of activities, then not follow through on the promises.

They were fired for gross misconduct - it happened so regularly, it became classed as abuse.

If they don't want to see her, they shouldn't tell her they're going to. OP, you are doing a wonderful thing and I hope your elderly friend is grateful Xmas Smile

BerryinClover · 24/12/2010 19:02

You are very kind OP. Just be careful that they don't offload more responsibilities onto you.

Pantofino · 24/12/2010 19:03

She might indeed be horrible, it is impossible to judge. She might equally be LOVELY and as OP posted, her family just can't be bothered. Whatever, OP you are doing a lovely thing. You never know, this might be her last Xmas. You can polish your halo and know that you offered her a lovely family Xmas.