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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that this couple is selfish and horrible

46 replies

IHeartKittensAndWine · 24/12/2010 12:42

My mother runs errands and drops in to see an elderly lady she's known for years who lives nearby in sheltered accommodation. She's 98. In the past year she's had a bad fall and pneumonia. Her son and daughter in law used to live round the corner and see her all the time. Earlier this year they moved thirty miles away (still not far, good roads trains etc). They have seen her ONCE since she had pneumonia, but promised to get a hotel room nearby for xmas eve - boxing day and come up and see her a couple of times between then and the New Year.

My mother has just rung me asking if we can set an extra plate for lunch tomorrow because the couple have just called her said can we take the elderly lady because they won't make the journey. All they have said is that they "don't really feel like it". Trains are running with only minor delays, motorways gritted etc. (They are only in their late fifties, do a lot of sport etc and general good health).

Of course it's fine to have her over. But my mother's spoken to her and she's devastated. She's been looking forward to this visit for WEEKS and it's just been snatched from her at the last minute without an explanation.

AIBU to think that her son and daughter in law are being really selfish and horrible? And not "because it's Christmas" but because they had promised something to a frail and lonely old lady who dotes on them. I understand people who don't get on with their parents etc but they haven't cut ties, just lost interest. They have seen her ONCE in the past three months and frankly, she isn't going to last much longer.

OP posts:

Yulephemia · 24/12/2010 19:04

Nice to see so many people agreeing with Jesus.

moomaa · 24/12/2010 19:17

It is lovely of you to accomodate her but please don't judge the son. In my own family my Nan is in hospital and won't have a visit until after the main festive days but there really are circumstances that aren't apparent to others which mean that this is reasonable (IMO).

SkyBluePearl · 24/12/2010 19:37

I think it's not on to offer to spend xmas with a close relative then at last min cancel. Very mean spirited - why did son offer in the first place?

Original poster

IHeartKittensAndWine · 24/12/2010 23:14

Thanks all for your kind words - is very nice to be described as lovely on mn [fmsile].
TBH I still think, despite what may/may not have happened in the past that it IS just selfish and horrible to promise and then cancel. And I am concerned that the couple are "using" my mum with regards to the elderly lady's care. (I don't want this to be an AIBU by self but they phone and ask her to do things a lot - she works full time and helps out with her 3 grandkids, they don't have kids and live within driving distance...but that's another story). BUT the lady, and all my family, deserve a lovely (not perfect!) Christmas Day.... now AIBU if I do the whole thing (9 adults, 3 kids) with a gin in my hand?

OP posts:

ccpccp · 24/12/2010 23:43

Get loads of mulled wine in, and make sure she brings her will along

A1980 · 24/12/2010 23:57

There may be two sides to every story but that aside, it's Christmas, she's family, she's nearly 100 and she may not last for another Christmas.

Even if they just drop in for an hour or two, they should come and visit her as they promised.

Original poster

IHeartKittensAndWine · 25/12/2010 22:55

Just seen our final guests off. As a grumpy old scrooge I've never really liked it but Having the elderly lady around made it a lovely Christmas - people say that it's for the children but this year made me realise that its for everyone, especially the lonely. I thought that we'd be doing her a favour, but actually she gave so much more - a new face, stories, someone new for the niece and nephews to play with and a reason for the family to behave well. I don't mean not to argue, but to be a bit more courteous to each other than we are usually, not to drink too much and just appreciate each other.

Please if you find yourself in the same position I was in yesterday embrace it. It's so easy to moan when plans are disrupted but unexpected events can bring so much pleasure and joy if you let them.

OP posts:

onimolap · 25/12/2010 23:01

Kittens - I think what you've done is fantastic.

purplepidjbauble · 26/12/2010 07:27

Kittens, I know exactly what you mean.

I'm a p/t youth worker. Every year, the police and round table get all the housebound elderly to the pub, feed them fish and chips, give them pressies from santa and my youth club sing carols. Absolute best thing ever, the old folk sing along and leave beaming, and the young folk do too

galletti · 26/12/2010 08:03

YANBU and your are being very kind, and I am a little surprised at all the people who are so quick to turn the old woman into a harridan. She's an OLD woman who, if it wasn't for the kindness of the OP and her mum, would have been all alone on one of her last Christmas Days.

Pancakeflipper · 26/12/2010 08:26

Awww what a happy ending for you all ( except the son and daughter who cancelled plans at last minute).

I bet she had a better day with your lively tribe than her son and daughter.

And do be wary of these 2 off-loading this elderly lady onto your mother. Whatever their reasons are - it isn't right your mother has to pick up the pieces.she already does more than her fair share.

justaboutmaintainingorder · 26/12/2010 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Punkatheart · 26/12/2010 10:04

Understand the dilemma; I am in a similar one. An old lady I visit (88) has had falls and now cannot get out of bed easily. Her relatives refuse to come up to visit her, despite the fact that one is the executor of her estate and needs to make some decisions regarding her care. So I have sorted her out re care/carers and generally exhausted myself. I have cancer - so it has been very stressful.

Yes I think the relatives have a responsibility. Not being bothered, in the case of your 98 year old, is inexcusable. I understand what people are saying re the relationship - but if the relatives' neglect is putting responsibility on someone else - well that is wrong.

BerryinClover is wise.....I have taken on literally more than I can chew......

swanandduck · 26/12/2010 14:28

As others have said, there's two sides to every story (like, I'm wondering why the upped and moved thirty miles away after years living beside her). Anyway, it's not really fair to judge them on here without knowing the circumstances.

I hope the dinner with her went well (bangers and mash or whatever!!)

jacksgrannie · 26/12/2010 14:48

Well done kittens. Have an extra glass of wine. Frankly, it is fair to judge the younger couple here. I am fed up with the mumsnet ethos of never judging. If there was some dreadful background why did the relatives promise and then break it?

A lady is 98 and her only close relatives can't be bothered to visit her at Christmas - unless they are too ill themselves then there is no excuse.

One of my own cousins refused to visit her mother in a care home for the last 9 years of her life owing to some perceived slight. It was left to my aunt's elderly relatives to sort things out at the home. My cousin turned up at the funeral though, all tearful - what a hypocrite.

swanandduck · 26/12/2010 15:08

How would you like to hear a load of strangers were judging you on a public website based on a third hand version of events?

No offence OP I can understand your annoyance.

mumeeee · 26/12/2010 16:04

You don't know exactly what they said, Also the roads may be bad aound them even though it is only 30 miles away. DH couldn't get MIl this Christmas because of the roads around here she lives about 40 miles away.

Punkatheart · 26/12/2010 18:09

Swananduck - I think that the point of the forum is that judgements are expected and in fact asked for...otherwise 'Am I being unreasonable' would be a very quiet section!

But I can feel from some of the tone that there are lots of people who have less than great relationships with certain members of their family and they subsquently may not have much to do with them..so they feel that they can relate to the other side of the story. I am no angel - I have a sister who our family ignores. It looks terrible on the outside of course - but she is violent and has done some wicked things. So yes, I too understand that perhaps it cannot be fully judged.

But - and there is a but - I am also on the receiving end of relatives not picking up the pieces when they are actually needed. The old lady I visit - her relatives will inherit her wealth (which is normal, natural and right) - so they have a legal responsibility to come and sort out her care. Not leave it to me. In this case of the 98 year old woman, the relatives have stated that they cannot be bothered. I have also watched the devestation such rejection can have on an old person. I also understand that they a person may have been a wicked old so and so - that can leave scars. But is it right to leave a stranger to look after them?

My daughter asked me about this dilemma when I was dealing with the old lady I visit and then said to me - if your sister was in need or distress and she asked for you, after all the bad things - would you go to her?

The answer is yes - I wouldn't put the strain on someone else. This woman is 98 and clearly at the end of her days. How bad can it be to visit once in a while?

swanandduck · 26/12/2010 18:19

Punk

I know what you're saying, but normally we're being asked to 'judge' something where the OP is actually one of the people involved and knows the background to the situation.
In this case, she's describing an event about two 'third parties' and I don't think we can really comment because we haven't heard from either of them.

Punkatheart · 26/12/2010 18:22

Point taken Swanandduck.....not black and white indeed.

But the old lady concerned had a lovely Christmas - the couple probably did and OP did enjoy the experience....so it worked out, really....

Actuallawyer · 27/12/2010 00:25

MNetters judge on the basis of the available information. No need to speculate to fill in the gaps - it's fine to judge on what's known. It's not as if opinions on forum posts actually matter.

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