IL's staying for a week... Day one

[nowit]

IL's arrived yesterday, DH picked them up as I was working from home. They arrived with two sacks of presents for each of our 3dc's (one sack is the height of a 3 yo). This pissed me off a little as we have brought them 10 presents each total. But i took a deep breath and thought of the children..
Today DD2 (2 next week) bit through her tongue, pretty horrible, but she is ok. DH and I took her to the doctors and IL's (very kindly) took DD1 (6) and DS (3) into town.

We got home with a unhappy little girl and as I was working from home, DH sat and comforted her and I got on with my work. IL's arrive back with DD1 (PFB more-so for them than for us) who was very pleased as she had a new coat . We got her a £60 coat 3 mths ago and MIL was pissed off as she always buys them a coat each for Christmas. AIBU to be really f'in pissed off as now her 'old' coat will not see the light of day? MIL also brought her an A4 pad that she put on her Christmas list and I know that Santa has got it for her.

DS got nothing :(

As I have raised this issue in the past, MIL goes to great lengths to make sure that the distribution of presents looks even. DS and DD2 get mainly clothes, chocolate and one toy, DD1 gets the same but much more of it.
eg: DS has a Spiderman car as his toy and DD1 has 3 Barbie's, Barbie clothes, Nail Vanish, dolls house furniture etc etc. It looks the same, but when unwrapped, it is clearly not.

It is pretty blatant.

i would consider trying to harness you MIL's need to buy presents - my MIL loves buying clothes for the kids, so i will often say to Dh 'when you next speak to your mom, can you ask her, if she sees any nice pjs (or whatever we need) when she is next out, could she get some for the DCs?'
that way, the kids get new clothes off grandma, i don't have to buy them, and she's happy. when i specifically want special clothes, i buy them (and since i haven't spent money on their everyday stuff, i can afford to).
same with the coats - why not try saying 'can you get this coat?'
good luck though because they may not listen. in which case use her clothes for everday wear (so they can be trashed) rather than important occasions.

7 days is a long stay for anyone, i think you are a saint!

Chatelaine - umm yes, of course I did. I also read the bit that said that they took two of the children out and only bought for one.

Thanks greygirl good idea. I would love to be able to shop with her, but never really get the chance.

There are two sides to a story and take this one with a pinch of salt. I am getting the distinct impression that PIL, particularly MIL's are considered to be another species altogether. Season's Greeting everyone, I'm off.

Nowit- I would wait till after Christmas before you broach the favouritism thing...

Also, would they babysit for a night for you and DH to go out? My parents live far away and they saty for a bout a week and I hate it, so now we go out one night and they babysit. It is bliss, I spend the first 15 minutes having a right bitch about them, then we have a lovely eve.

To be fair, the thread is titled "ILs staying for a week... day one discussions" not "AIBU about DD1's new coat". Therefore it's reasonable to expect that this thread will mostly be a bitch session about the ILs. The coat is just the beginning.

In that sense it's not an AIBU thread at all, it's a CIJRFAW [can I just rant for a while] thread instead. If you're posting on here determined to defend the ILs, you're being slightly delusional.

Fwiw, the ILs sound to me like power-players, passive-aggressive and favourite-pickers. Not sure how old DD1 is but I think the OP should have nipped this better in the bud when the second DC was born. Nonetheless she is NBU for being upset about GPs buying her DCs unnecessary stuff 2 days before Christmas.

Utterly amazed at the posters who think that going out with 2 dgc and buying one 2 things and the other nothing is fine - it ISN'T!!!!! Even if the younger one wouldn't notice an expensive pressie such as a coat, could they not buy him some pens and paper too?

Nowit, you have a week of this and sounds like DH is being classically DH about it.

You need to tell her that you are really very, very grateful for everything she does for you as a family...

BUT that this close to christmas really there can be no purchases as she could be doubling up and unwittingly stomping all over someone else's gifts. That there really is absolutely no deviation from this rule, or it just gets silly and you all end up with grabby spoiled children.

Then there is the issue of favoritism, that it's imperative that all the DC are treated absolutely equally, at the same time. This can be gently raised and discussed, but it MUST be tackled and stopped immediately.

Say that you appreciate this is hard, but that you and your DH have managed to work it to a fine art and that you are more than happy to help her be included in this process.

Tell her that if she DOES want to be the one to buy a winter coat, that is fine, but that in future you will be organising the trip to buy one, for all the DC so that no-one feels left out, as they do now. Get your diaries out and plan a trip next year, for birthdays, easter, christmas, whenever.

Remind her that in time it'll be so much easier for the DC to understand what is going on,but for now they are too young and it could spoil them,or cause unnecessary upset.

You have the January Sales, so this is the time for her to kit out the DC, not before.

Forget getting DH to resolve this, he won't, this is a woman's role, a woman's issue, to kit out the DC and plan gifts etc. Giggle with her that you have asked H to broach this with her, but you know how that goes...employ some eyerolling, shoulder shrugging and a liberal sprinkling on 'Men!'

You can work this so that it is a great arrangement, you can teach her to be a great and fair GM, and you will in time enjoy her visits.

If you leave this issue to fester, or ask H to fix it, you will end up pretty much murderous by the middle of this week.

Tackle it now, get her on your side and work together, you both want the best for your DC so guide her. You'll still need to be firm, but create the dialogue that you will need to get this working.

It's down to you, you can do this!

So bloody nasty not to get anything for the other two and just for one!

They get your back up, I understand that

Stat home on your own next year! Lay down rules too if it makes you feel better

Feel really sorry for your ds

Hope your DD is better too

Great advice from littlemisshoho

Well put!

I don't agree MsKLO, Miss HOHOHO's advice suggests that dh would not be singing from the same hymn carol sheet

They need to present a united front, so she can not play one parent off against the other. It needs to come very solidly from both. This is what WE want for OUR family to prevent spoilt grabby children and problems in the future.

FWIW both my dm and dmil (and yes she is despite my views on the mil on this thread)spent equally on all dc's, and know I would accept things any other way>>>>> that way sibling rivaly, favourites and feading down the years lies. All or nothing in our house!

Oh and the op suggests she's already had that conversation - but it obviously needs repeating if the spiderman car versus barbie really is this years gift

Good luck with that op

YABU and ungrateful I am afraid, they got two sacks of presents for your dcs and a new coat for your dd, thats fantastic. My dd needs more than one coat, one for the wash one for wear. She can wear your coat sometimes, and their coat sometimes no biggy, you are overracting tbh. Some PILs could not give a stuff about their grandchildren so you are lucky that they do. It is a bit that they seem to faouritise your dd more than ds though.

Thanks all, really is a mixed bag of views. Can I stress that I am not ungrateful, just annoyed as the money that they are so insistent on spending, really could do much more on other things.
holy don't get me started on bfing, she wasn't a big fan of that as I would never leave the baby.

To me everything is a non issue except the favouritism. But that is a HUGE issue and should be addressed. I would tell her straight up that from now on she cannot give DD1 a present unless she gets something similiar for DS and DD2. This is bound to be upsetting for them and as a parent you cannot allow it to go on.

"just annoyed as the money that they are so insistent on spending, really could do much more on other things."-but isn´t it up to them what they spend their money on?

of course it is diddl but won't it make more sense to spend it on something that the DC's need rather than double buying?

I sympathise!

I would make sure that the other two children, know that they'll get an extra present - to make up for the coat - make sure you tell the DC in front of the in-laws too!

Re the present opening - it's your house, your family - your rules - explain to them the evening before, when DC have gobe to bed, how you want to do things on christmas morning. Clear-up any questions then, so the morning should run smoothly.

Hang-in there!

I think they sound lovely, sorry but I do.

bloodyhell seems like your after a reason to not like them, yes it was not nice to not get the other two anything when out shoppping, but it wasnt a plnned shopping tripwas it, it was just a way of occupiying then for you

if you feel they play favs YOU need to have a word and sort it out

other than that, so what they bought lots iof gifts if you dont want them give them away or sell on ebay.