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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IL's staying for a week... Day one

79 replies

nowit · 23/12/2010 15:31

IL's arrived yesterday, DH picked them up as I was working from home. They arrived with two sacks of presents for each of our 3dc's (one sack is the height of a 3 yo). This pissed me off a little as we have brought them 10 presents each total. But i took a deep breath and thought of the children..
Today DD2 (2 next week) bit through her tongue, pretty horrible, but she is ok. DH and I took her to the doctors and IL's (very kindly) took DD1 (6) and DS (3) into town.

We got home with a unhappy little girl and as I was working from home, DH sat and comforted her and I got on with my work. IL's arrive back with DD1 (PFB more-so for them than for us) who was very pleased as she had a new coat . We got her a £60 coat 3 mths ago and MIL was pissed off as she always buys them a coat each for Christmas. AIBU to be really f'in pissed off as now her 'old' coat will not see the light of day? MIL also brought her an A4 pad that she put on her Christmas list and I know that Santa has got it for her.

DS got nothing :(

OP posts:
Original poster
nowit · 23/12/2010 16:10

We spent £60 as we never buy her much (as they buy so much) and wanted to get a really good quality winter coat that she likes. It is in great condition and, if anything, a little too big for her. She doesn't need two coats and the money could be much better spent on something else if they are so desperate to spend it. They never ask what is needed, they buy what they want to rather than what she needs.

OP posts:
create · 23/12/2010 16:21

But you knew MIL "always" gets her a winter coat. Stupid of her to buy one when you've already done it, but you knew she enjoyed doing it and bought DD one anyway. I can see the AIBU thread from a long distance GP denied this small (and generous) pleasure.

How would you feel if your own mother generously turned up with sackfuls of presents and a new coat? I does seem that these ILs don't have to do much to annoy you, although I would be put out that DS got nothing

thatsnotmymonkey · 23/12/2010 16:24

nowit I would be pissed off that they are blatantly playing favourites in your house.

It is really hard, but I would have a word about it. The coat- meh- ebay the other one, say to your MIL- you are really generous and its a lovely coat, but we need to consult as we are doubling up on things here!

The favouritism thing- well I would have said when they walked in the door- what did DS get then, all smiles and excited face- then when they say nothing- you can give it- Oh Nothing? Right... then leave it hanging there. They should get the message that spoiling one and not the other is not on.

Chatelaine · 23/12/2010 16:27

I agree with muddleduck - sounds like you find fault with everything your PIL do, they can do nothing right. Stop for one minute and consider that they might be a tad over excited and this is the way they express it. Forgive that. Your mother has given a very enduring, considered and tasteful present according to her skills, good for her but please do not be so jugemental about your PIL, when from what you describe, they are very helpful and generous. If they get wind of how you feel, imagine the hurt you will inflict? Over what, essentially? Take them for what they are, (your DH parents who deserve respect) and move on to higher things. Oh and for pity's sake, don't bitch about them to your mother. YABVU and I dread being a MIL when I read these posts.

mrsmillsfanclub · 23/12/2010 16:28

Yabu-Please let me swap my ils with yours. Going out and spoiling their grandchild is not something that I think would bother me greatly.
Being almost indifferent and spending the least amount of time and money on them-now that I know all about!!

5GoldenFimbos · 23/12/2010 16:28

It's hard, thing is its their money to do as they please, dh wants to say something but my relationship with them is not good at the best of times.

If I say anything my mother will weep and wail, everything will be my fault, my father will agree with her, dh will get annoyed with them and round and round it goes.

ragged · 23/12/2010 16:28

Just ask them outright why they seem to dote on the DD1 but not the others.

Original poster
nowit · 23/12/2010 16:30

Not just always gets a winter coat, but always gets everything! I would love to buy some clothes for the kids. I am not ungrateful for their help at all, I very much appreciate the help.
We are now in a position where we would love to get the kids stuff, we have told them this and then went ahead and got DD a coat, MIL was pissed off and then went and got her one too, it looks as though this is a dig at me, not a lovely freely given gift for DD.
DD would have loved MIL to pay for her swimming lessons for a term (same sort of price as the coat) or even the money, she is saving up with her tooth fairy money or any other gift, new school shoes for example. She needs lots of things, so why get a coat when she already has one?

The other two deserve a treat too, but they don't get a look in, it's not fair. DH suggested buying DD2 and DS something, but then DD1 thinks that we are leaving her out.

OP posts:
create · 23/12/2010 16:35

MIL could just as easily have said why didn't you spend your coat money on swimming lessons though..?

ihearthuckabees · 23/12/2010 16:36

nowit - i think a lot of posters are being a bit harsh in telling you to be grateful. Your ILs seem controlling, but are quite clever about it, hiding behind the guise of being very generous, so that you look bad if you complain.

Could your DH tackle them about the favouritism thing? Why do they favour DD1? Any ideas?

ragged · 23/12/2010 16:38

I think this is subtle stuff perhaps doesn't belong in AIBU. Or rather, the AIBU should be "To mind that they favour DD1 so blatently, and how do I tackle it?"

Original poster
nowit · 23/12/2010 16:38

DD1 was the first grandchild. IL's tried for 8 years to have DH and DD1 is the first girl born to the family in 3 generations.

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 23/12/2010 16:40

buying dd2 and ds something would be playing into her hands, she would feel left out and it would justify them spoiling her more..

I think those saying GP's should be allowed to do exactly as they please "she always gets them a winter coat" are failing to see the power play ( she bought another one anyway, two fingers up to the op). And why shouldn't a mother (or father) be allowed to choose a new coat for her child presumably at the start of term when she needed it.

Original poster
nowit · 23/12/2010 16:41

create MIL said she will buy DD a coat for Christmas, she needed one in Oct, so we got it for her. We did tell MIL first.

OP posts:
diddl · 23/12/2010 16:43

"We are now in a position where we would love to get the kids stuff,"Confused

"She needs lots of things, so why get a coat when she already has one?"-because they are entitled to spend their money how they want.

But the children should be treated equally.

CupcakesHay · 23/12/2010 16:47

No - i'd be mad too. Especially over the pad. Very annoying. Have you spoken to them about that? And soooooo bad not buying anything for your DS. And the other kid with the bit tongue.

LadyintheRadiator · 23/12/2010 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nowit · 23/12/2010 16:50

CupCake it was the pad that pissed me off the most, the small things. I went upstairs and had a silent scream. I spoke to DH and vented, I asked him to say something but I doubt he will.

OP posts:
Chatelaine · 23/12/2010 16:53

As DD1 is the 1st gc and the first girl in 3 generations then they perhaps feel the need to express their joy. Your other 2 dc are much younger, are they bothered? You have plenty of time in the future to sort this out as a family, hopefully your DH can make constructive noises about what would be a suitable present from them. If you see PIL on a regualr basis or talk on the phone on the build up to Xmas (Sept) then I don't see why this problem should continue. That can be fun for you all. An opportunity to update PIL as to DC's activities, lessons, etc and loosely agree who will do what. In the meantime try and enjoy your house party and be inclusive to all your guests.

ihearthuckabees · 23/12/2010 16:59

I still think the ILs sound passive aggressive.

nowit - I'd be tempted to just buy your kids clothes anyway, if you can afford it, and sod the fact that the ILs are duplicating things. If you have time, ebay anything that might sell, and put the money towards swimming lessons etc. The only problem would be if they expect to see the kids in the things they've bought (would that be the case?)

curlymama · 23/12/2010 17:03

I don't understand why you are getting grief for being pissed off with them, how can anyone possibly justify giving only to one child out of three?

I just hope their cruel favouritism isn't quite so apparant on Christmas Day.

Original poster
nowit · 23/12/2010 17:08

MIL is of the generation that believes that girls wear nowt but pink and boys blue. She is very set in her ways. Now DD1 is getting vaguely interested in 'fashion' she wants to pick her own things. Top of her Christmas list was "Fashion things"
MIL will want to see her in the clothes that she has brought, she always notices when we buy anything and makes judgeypant comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
nowit · 23/12/2010 17:09

It will be Curly

OP posts:
goinggetstough · 23/12/2010 17:09

We had the same problem with our inlaws. They are lovely but DD1 always had thoughtful presents when they came for a visit etc but DS1 (younger) eg got a five pound note. It came to a head one day and my DH told his parents that DD1 was not to be given the present until they had bought"something" for DS1. He had just got to an age when he noticed too. Since then we have had no problems. Good luck.

Chatelaine · 23/12/2010 17:10

curlymama - "their cruel favouritism" WTF? Did you actually read OP, PIL arrive - "They arrived with two sacks of presents for each of our 3dc's"

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