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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Witty replies that won't land me in jail please!

36 replies

Wendijane17 · 23/12/2010 10:27

As a newbie, I would love your feedback on the following incident:

Travelling back from France on the ferry with DS 14 and DD 12 recently (very brave for me as LP) we arrived at ferry port Border Control late at night and tired. I handed him our three passports.
BC Man - Are you travelling alone?
Me - No my two children are in the back.
BC Man - Are you all in the same family?
Me - Yes they are my two children.
BC Man - They have a different surname to you.
Me - Yes.
BC Man - Why is that?
I took a deep breath and came up with the best reply I could muster which was "because their father wouldn't marry me".
Is it me? Is this really so unusual? Is this a matter of national security? Please advise. I felt embarrassed and humiliated. Any witty replies for next time that won't land me in jail will be much appreciated. Merry Christmas!

OP posts:

swanandduck · 23/12/2010 10:31

In fairness, he was doing his job. If two kids had been abducted and we discovered no questions had been asked at the border we'd all be shocked and giving out.

mayorquimby · 23/12/2010 10:33

just standard checks I think .
I wouldn't take it to heart.

Scherbatsky · 23/12/2010 10:34

I think you should stick to 'because their father wouldn't marry me' I'd like to have seen his face!

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 23/12/2010 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expectingapostalorder · 23/12/2010 10:37

"because I like to eat my partners after sex, not marry them. Fancy a shag? Or shall we go on through?"

mayorquimby · 23/12/2010 10:38

"If two kids had been abducted and we discovered no questions had been asked at the border we'd all be shocked and giving out."

Exactly. This is one of the problems with things like child safety etc. We would all bemoan and act incredulous if such a stroy did come out in the red-tops. "2 children abducted: waved on by security" and then a long piece criticisng the failing system and people who failed to do their job all the while painting it as an unforgivable display of inaction. But then if they do try to implement checks or safety procedures that actually affect us as individuals we become indignent at the intrusion into our privacy.

*not specifically aimed at the op more a statement on the reactions of large parts of society in general.

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 23/12/2010 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Megglevache · 23/12/2010 10:43

I wouldn't be upset by that- he is only doing his job. I'd love to see his face if you did say "because their dad wouldn't marry me!" with a smile.
Perfect.

expectingapostalorder · 23/12/2010 10:43

"He was a lovely guy, but I couldn't face spending the rest of my adult life as Mrs Shufflebottom"

EWeatherwax · 23/12/2010 10:50

The question was valid and not embarrassing unless he really wouldn't marry you. I if he wouldn't and it was so important to you I wonder why you have 2 kids with him?

Megglevache · 23/12/2010 10:51

be careful I'd imagine some of these responses would encourage him to give the nod to his colleague to do a full cavity search

EWeatherwax · 23/12/2010 10:51

And not sure why you need to be ''cocky'' with customs guy to be honest - just were not married is enough - Its not like they lock you up for it any more.

Eve · 23/12/2010 10:59

I've had same question before,

my answer is to smile broadly..and say I kept my madien name.

.. smile at them, checking passports all day is not fun.

Original poster

Wendijane17 · 23/12/2010 11:04

Ouch EWeatherwax, I thought this was a supportive community? If it is a valid question I will have to live with it, which is why I asked for feedback, not judgement. However "I wonder why you have 2 kids with him" hits a nerve which I am still in therapy for. Thanks to those who have been more supportive.:(

OP posts:

PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid · 23/12/2010 11:05

Esme seems to have magiced away her sense of humour this morning...

@ expectingapostalorder

expectingapostalorder · 23/12/2010 11:05

this trhead is clearly supposed to be a bit of FUN, you bunch of poker-arsed harpies!

PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid · 23/12/2010 11:06

magicked

PeeringIntoAFestiveVoid · 23/12/2010 11:10

Wendi it's a bit of a lottery whether you get supported or toasted over a roaring flame in aibu. Don't let it upset you. Have a mince pie

I think your reply was perfect and probably brought him up short. Otherwise you can just say 'they have their father's name' - no additional explanation necessary.

pointissima · 23/12/2010 11:20

Wendijane,
FWIW this irritates the hell out of me too. I am married to my ds's father but didn't change my name. I'm not even able to pick up a parcel addressed to ds at the same address as shown on my driving licence.

I don't mind immigration asking whether he is my son (and to be honest you only have to look at us to know). It's the subtle aspersion cast upon the relationship with the father/ one's attitude to the relationship with the father which is irritating.

theevildead2 · 23/12/2010 11:26

I don't think not having the same name is unusal, but they have to ask something to see how you react don't they?

Even if you had the same name they'd still chat to you about the kids and if anything seemed "odd" about your answers they'd look in to it.

If it took you ages to think why you had different names you could imagine they'd want to fish about a bit.

headfairy · 23/12/2010 11:27

Muster up the biggest most winning smile and say "because I'm a raving feminist and I didn't want to be part of a conspiracy to suppress and demean women" :o

I guess because your children are older they weren't too worried, my sister has had real problems when she was travelling with her 10 month old dd who has a different name to her. She now carries her birth certificate with her whenever she travels because of course at 18 months my niece couldn't possibly confirm my sister is indeed her mother.

I often wonder why if people aren't married the children automatically get their fathers name. I would be inclined to stick my surname in there too, but then I'm a bit fond of my surname, hence I kept it when I married, and my children have both names too.

EWeatherwax · 23/12/2010 11:54

Esme does have sense of humour but at things that are funny and humorous. I am trying to be supportive as in, look at why you were embarrassed at a harmless question about something so bloody bland. I'm fed up of dancing around every bodies multitudinous sensibilities

in a job similar to the border guards although at I suppose a more administrative executive level. It like just answer the question FGS and spare me your life history

I am direct but then again this is AIBU not relationships.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2010 11:56

TBH, I thought your response at the time was just fine.

nomoreheels · 23/12/2010 12:09

This sort of situation is exactly why I am insisting that our baby is going to have both of our surnames...

We're not married yet, but when we do I intend to keep my name. DP wasn't too keen at first, but I've compromised by promising there won't be a hyphen. He has started correcting himself and adding my surname to the mix when discussing baby names, which is nice.

Anyhow I guess they are careful at any port of entry when children have different names to the adult with them, but sorry you felt stressed out by it.

EWeatherwax · 23/12/2010 12:10

Why - it put herself down to somebody asking a legitimate question in an official capacity. What was he supposed to say ? '' I can see that's touched a sensitive issue with you , have you though about therapy?''

I personally ''am raving feminist and I didn't want to be part of a conspiracy to suppress and demean women" but there is a time and place

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