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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Comments about the cost of presents

33 replies

changeforthebetter · 23/12/2010 09:48

I can feel myself getting about this already.

Every time the DCs have a birthday or its Christmas my dad always makes comments like "wow you've spent a fortune" - "that must have set you back a bit" as they open their presents. I expect more of the same this year as I am now a LP and so doing the whole thing on a tight budget. Actually, the majority (and sometimes all) of their presents come from jumble/NCT/carboot sales or my charity shop trawls through the year. Quite a few of their "presents" are things like tights and pjs which they need anyway. I know it is because he grew up in the depression with a fiercely stingy mother but it is starting to piss me off mightily. I know my kids have less than any of their friends (not judging those parents - we have what we have) and that he has lost any sense of perspective. In years past, I have just said "you know I buy 2nd hand mostly don't you" but he ignores me. He and XFIL (now deceased) were a real double act on this

What I don't want is for him to spoil it for my kids. They do not have hundreds of presents. Their main presents cost £15 & £20 new (no competitive underspending here - they got what they asked for) plus assorted 2nd hand goodies and stocking fillers totalling about £10

I suppose I object to his comments because firstly, I have not spent "a fortune" and second because I think the DCs are of an age where they will pick up the vibes (3 and 5).

So WWYD? Raise it in advance - quick phone call or visit or just bite my tongue and smile on the day? The other option is to write him a note which sounds awful and a bit passive aggressive but he is somewhat deaf and "tunes out" a bit sometimes even when he is wearing his hearing aids

OP posts:

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 23/12/2010 09:51

Sorry but is he being sarcastic? If he knows how much you hvae spent. Or is he trying to build it up for the kids so they think you've spent loads?

Original poster

changeforthebetter · 23/12/2010 09:54

No he is not trying to build it up. He genuinely believes they get too much (despite having had several xmases with my sister's family where the neices and nephews get shedloads of stuff - all new, all expensive - think her 11 yo got an iphone last year) because BIL is loaded (thankfully they live on another continent )

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 23/12/2010 09:57

If he thinks you've spent more than you actually have then I would keep letting it pass. My mother does the same thing... similarly deprived upbringing! My stock response is 'yes, isn't my son lucky?' What I have also learned is to keep her present very modest. She really can't enjoy anything expensive .... meals, gifts, consumer goods.... don't know if your Dad is the same.

Original poster

changeforthebetter · 23/12/2010 10:09

Hmm, I got him a new teapot as his other one is at least 20 years old and cracked. I got it to go with his new kitchen - which cost thousands. I do not begrudge him this for a second. It is his money and therefore he can spend what he likes but, having spent £££ on a new kitchen, it's a bit rich then bitching about the small amoutn I spend. Our relationship is a um a littley dysfunctional I suppose!

OP posts:

taintedsnow · 23/12/2010 10:09

I think this is the kind of situation you have to kill with kindness. As Chil1234 says, just make sure you have a response prepared so you can cut him down as soon as he starts. Much better to attack him with words that don't make him feel like he's under attack IYGWIM. People like your dad are less able to fight back when they don't get a response they expect.

Original poster

changeforthebetter · 23/12/2010 10:09

littley?? WTF

OP posts:

Original poster

changeforthebetter · 23/12/2010 10:10

Ok - can you help me with a nifty response?

OP posts:

narna · 23/12/2010 10:22

Oh my MIL does this with EVERYTHING we buy the kids,even coats , shoes etc.I have started telling her my mum bought them for us lol

BettyCash · 23/12/2010 10:24

I like the idea of agreeing with his comments about the worth of the presents - like Chil said, 'yes, X is very lucky', 'it's such a treat', 'we must write BIL a beautiful thankyou card' etc. Will that work?

pagwatch · 23/12/2010 10:32

get him this

GrendelsMum · 23/12/2010 10:39

Is he worrying that you're spending more than you can afford? And you worry that he'll worry the DCs?

I wonder if a bit of 'broken record' technique might help? Something along the lines of 'You know me, dad, I'm a real canny shopper.' and then 'Well, as I said, I'm a canny shopper' and then 'Canny shopping again, dad', ad infinitum.

Gogopops · 23/12/2010 10:54

I hope he's not saying this within your DCs' earshot? If they are 3 and 5 don't they think Santa bought this stuff for them? .
Tell your dad that Santa is generous and thoughtfull. By the way, what type of gifts does he buy you?

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 23/12/2010 10:54

How about "yes. I did. And it's my money not yours, so please stop acting like it's got anything to do with you. When you pay, you get a say. Until then, mind your own business."

or is that too much?

discobeaver · 23/12/2010 11:00

Do you think he might be giving you a weird compliment - by saying your presents lok expensive/your kids presents are great/they should be happy with their amazing presents, rather than a disapproval?

I don't know how he says it so I might be well off here, it's just an idea.

If not, and he genuinely thinks you spend beyond your means, maybe give him receipts before the openeing starts, with a totted up total, and say "I haven't spent a fortune, see dad, just what I can afford. It makes me uncomfortable/annoyed/pissed off/feel disapproved of when you comment on money, so can you not do it this year please?"

ladydeedy · 23/12/2010 11:01

ooh that is excellent!! i will try that one myself!

Coralanne · 23/12/2010 11:16

What does he buy for the DC?

ragged · 23/12/2010 11:19

Generational thing. MIL literally had one doll for most of her childhood. Her brother had a small wooden box all that time that held all his toys. And they were a quite middle class family (the boys were privately educated). MIL was very poor herself as single mum for a while, frugal habits she adopted then served her well. Of course they feel bewildered by our materialistic and relatively spendthrift age.

Coralanne · 23/12/2010 11:20

I went shopping yesterday to buy my sister and her DH a christmas gift and I came home with a cardigan for myself and a new dress for miss 7 DGD (couldn't resist as it was 50% off).

Just tell him to stop being such a grouch and let you enjoy Christmas with your children without listening to him moan and groan.

Horopu · 23/12/2010 11:23

My mil got lovely presents Christmas morning and then had to give them away in the afternoon.

It made me realise why she hoards so much now.

Coralanne · 23/12/2010 11:25

raged that is sometimes true.

I was the opposite with my 2 DC.

When I was growing up we had our school uniform, one good set of going out clothes and a couple of sets for around the house.

I only had two pair of school socks (had to be washed out each night).

Consequently my DD and DS both had about 20 pair of school socks at any one time and a new uniform just about for every day of the week (private schools)

Coralanne · 23/12/2010 11:27

should be ragged

UnquietDad · 23/12/2010 11:30

My mother makes similar comments. "Goodness me, they have a lot" and so on. If only she saw what some of DD and DS's classmates "get"! Then she'd truly know the scale of pre-teen avarice... Ours are pretty restrained by comparison.

It's part of a wider picture - she is always berating us for spending too much. "Jetting off" around the country to see friends (sometimes as much as 3 hours away) is a wanton extravagance, apparently. We should supposedly be just cultivating our "local" friends

Punkatheart · 23/12/2010 11:37

It's annoying isn't? I always feel exactly like you when comments like that are made....because I do the same: trawl charity shops for presents and make them look lovely. e.g an old basket (30p), two victorian glasses (£1.99), a lovely old bound book (49p) and then a bottle of wine (invariably also a bargain). I think it is also very bad-mannered to comment on the cost, rather than the lovely present.

I think it is time for you to sit down with your relatives and explain that it hurts your feelings.

By the way, I think you are doing a grand job. Any fool can spend money but it takes ingenuity and good eyes to find good presents for people!

Original poster

changeforthebetter · 23/12/2010 13:01

Pagwatch

discobeaver I think I will go with that sort of thing. I am fairly sure he will go to selective deafness mode at that point tho I think the point about not spoiling the kids's fun is worth pointing out to him.

Like I say, it's not as if he doesn't ever spend money himself....

Actually I really need to woman-up and not do family Christmas again - they are tension-laden nightmares.

OP posts:

PaisleyLeaf · 23/12/2010 13:09

What a grinch! You don't owe him money do you?
It sounds like you shop really well for xmas.

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