My ex-DH hurt our son

[JJ17]

My DS2 (my DS1 is mine, not both of ours) went to stay with ex-DH (his Dad) and his stepmum (she's been around for 7 or 8 years) DS2 is 11.

Stepmum made an innocent but hurtful remark re "chubby cheeks" (DS2 is a tiny bit chubby) and he sulked. He continued to sulk and was a bit sulky and rude to stepmum.

DS2 has a statement of SEN and doesn't always "get it" and stepmum is a nice woman with kids of her own who has known him a long tim, since he was v young.

Anyway, ex-DH reacted angrily and squeezed DS2's leg so hard that he left a hand shaped bruise.

DS2 is so sweet and so well meaning that he would only have been embarrassed at the "chubby cheeks" remark and would have come out of it given time.

I have never, ever raised a hand to him, he is not that kind of kid. You just have to explain what has gone on and he wants to help.

I am livid at his father for bruising him and have asked him to apologise to DS2. He says, "No way, he was rude". DS2 says he never wants to see his father again.

Bloody hell! Your ex thinks it's ok to punish a child by physically marking him for being rude. That's illegal. Have you got photos?

Hard. Rude does not equal bruising. It warrants a conversation to explain the issue.
The Dad should apologise but guessing he has
got his own agenda an raising children which is different to mine.
Common sense dictates he should apologise -why distance yourself from the father son relationship but if he is adamant it is not going to happen then I am at a loss to suggest what else can be done. Maybe in time he will realise he is in the wrong.

No - I don't want to go that far. I showed my Dad though who fit his hand exactly into the marks.

I was sickened.

Do we give our kids a slap these days?

I feel confused. My Ds1, who is 20, used to get a tap if reaching for a plug etc. DS2, 11, has never had anything.

I have spoken to ex-DH who says he will have a conversation but will not apologise.

You don't have to do anything with the photos, but it is essential to get it on record. Just in case.

And don't send your child to his father's again until he realises he has assualted his child, in law.

I think you need to photograph the bruises because if your DS2 does not want to go there and your ex doesn't agree with that you might need to prove DS2's 'case' in a court.

The age is interesting too. Perhaps your ex thinks your child is now a 'man' and this is how he thinks men are to be treated.

I'm guessing he hasn't been violent to your child before?

Madam - I know what you mean re "Chubby Cheeks" stepmum is a nice person with chubby cheeks herself, I dont think it was meant badly. But I do think a quick slap in irritation and then a quick, heartfelt apology I can understand more than the "squeeze".

He is not a bad man, but I am really angry at him and so is DS2.

He doesn't want to go for the time being and I am not going to arrange any visits until they have reached an armistice.

earwicga - he gave him a "tap/tiny slap" in my presence when DS2 was about 3/4 in front of stepmum, in my house.

I said "don't you dare hit our child ever again, you have no right to. I never hit him and I have him 99% of the time".

To my knowledge he has never hit him again until the squeeze.

I think you need to be very clear with your exDH about the kind of behaviour your son shows and the way you would like him to be treated. It is illegal but a lot of men and women still smack their children to teach them right from wrong. I have only ever smacked the back of my toddlers hand once because everyone told me to (lame excuse but I thought this was the done thing) and I didn't feel right about it and couldn't forgive myself. I haven't done it since.

You are co-parents and exDH and SM should know this. You have to decide together the best way to parent and discipline your son regardless to whether exDH thinks it's acceptable to use physical force. It isn't. You know this and you don't want DS1 feeling like this after an 'episode' from his father.

I understand why exDH doesn't want to apologise for doing something he thinks he is right for but having a conversation about it sounds good as long as there are no repeat performances/raised tones/yelling at DS1 and it is an actual conversation.

I can see how your son is upset and doesn't want to see his father again but you need to talk him round and talk to exDH. You have every right to be extremely angry at him but for now the damage has been done so to speak and you either have to cut off contact or sort this problem with your exDH as best you can for your son.

Good luck.

LLLemon - we have been divorced since 2001 with ex-DH regularly seeing DS2 and paying maintenance so I think I owe it to him to help him forward with this.

I hate him for hurting our kid but he is his Dad and I have to get them both over it really I suppose.

I am furious though as is DS2.

You'd do well to help and while this man is your exDH and your son's father he also has a wife to help him through this. Your concern is your son and the wellbeing of your son when he sees his father so anything you can do to help them within reason is great.

It sounds like exDH may have been having a bad day. You say you have no knowledge of anything like this happening since you had words with him. Does he have a temper? Does it regularly show it towards his stepchildren or your son in other ways (verbal, emotional abuse etc)? If not, I'd talk to him about it, wait for him to have the conversation with DS1 and see how DS1 reacts to it. If anything ever happens again you're on the ball and you know where you stand in regards to previous incidents that you know about.

I would be furious too and I'm so sorry for you all having to go through this. I come from a home with a father who thought raising his hand to me would 'keep me in line'. I was regularly left with hand prints if I was naughty but back then I thought it was normal. All my family don't begrudge a physical smack (not a beating, obviously and not a malicious, prolonged bruising like exDH) but I couldn't physically do that to either of my DD's and I wouldn't expect anyone else to. One time DH smacked DD1 on the back of the hand and she cried and cried and I just literally broke down in tears and shouted at him for it. He's never done it since.

LLLemon - x-DH is not a hot tempered person but he is old fashioned and believes in a "swift kick up the backside" and all that shit.

SM is not his wife and takes a minimal part is DS2's visits, she is a nice woman but totally defers to me and ex-DH as DS2's parents.

I think he had a bad day and was "showing off" to the SM. Which fucks me off, what a way to be chivalrous.

Like I say when DS1 was little (he is now 20) it was accepted to tap their hand.

DS2 is 11 and times have changed, for the better. And I have never touched him and I know he would go nuts if I did.

If that's how chivalry now works I hope it stays dead and DH can be part of the old fashioned chivalry brigade.

It sounds like such a difficult situation to even raise the subject because exDH clearly thinks he has no reason to apologise and believes he is right but you run a very different home when DS is with you.

I've just realised I am an idiot and have been referring to DS2 as DS1! Sorry about that.

Do you have any idea of a game plan? Are you going to store this in your memory for the future or are you going to let it slide this once etc?

he should def apologise, after all as your son has sen he def needs to be handled differently in certain aspects to other kids, maybe the 3 of you could get together for a chat to sort it out ?

I am going to give them both time to cool off and speak to ex-DH again, he won't take it from me but it will go in. I will not have my kid with SEN hurt or hit.

He has 2 kids from 2 previous relationships that he has no contact with, he is very ashamed of that.

Like I said, we have been split up for 9 years and he has been faithful in visits and maintenance re DS2.

I will hit him where it hurts and say - "you want to make it 3 kids?". I know he doesn't so, although he won't apologise, he won't do it again.

DS2 is very angry and will not go back for a while but I will talk him round I think.

Take a photo. Quick.

I believe it is now illegal to leave a mark on your child, is it not?

I think I would be saying to ex that I have taken a photo, that it is actually now against the law to physically chastise your child and leave a mark and he had better apologise and never EVER lay a finger on his child again, or else.

A small tap is not illegal, but leaving a mark is frowned upon severely and can led to lot of trouble.(illegal I think?) A normal smack in inappropriate circumstances is also frowned upon as a parent being out of control.

I have quite a temper and have given tiny smacks to my children a few times. It's not something that I plan to do or want to do and it makes me ashamed to say the least. They were very tiny smacks though which never left a mark let alone a bruise.

The way i dealt with it is to (once I've calmed down) explain to the child what they did what naughty but that the way i reacted to it wasn't right and that I'm sorry etc and I'll try no to do it again.

I feel as though just because you are a parent and an adult it doesn't make you perfect and you can still slip up. The important thing is to be honest about it and say sorry and try not to do it again. That's what I try to teach my children. It's not about winning or losing which is probably how he sees apologising.

I'm going to go against the grain here but first of all I don't think it is acceptable to administer pre-meditated punishment or violence towards a child (or anyone else) or in the spur of the moment either to be honest.

However, just a thought, DH has been very sporty in his time and is fit and powerful, DS with youth on his side is fitter, will be bigger and is more powerful (front row rugby lad). Both have caused bruises by accident -DH once picked me up and twirled me round in fun but held my upper arms so tight that it left bruises - it was in fun and he was mortified. DS in a playfight with DH last summer punched his father on the upper arm - the bruise was huge and even Enid Blyton couldn't have described anything so livid. DS was absolutely mortified.

It taught both of them a lesson about their own strength. I'd just say are you absolutely sure EXP meant to leave a bruise like this and isn't embarassed about the result of his squeeze and doesn't want to lose face with an ex wife and all of the complications step families bring.

He left a hand shaped bruise!!

Not a small bruise or mark a whole hand shaped bruise that he squeezed into your son's body.

Do you know how hard he must have had to squeeze to do that?

Yes it may be a one off and it may never happen again. However your ex has shown no remorse, compassion or apology for harming his child.

If it does happen again and you decide to stop your son going there until it is properly resolved you are starting from point one. There is no evidence or proof and everyone will say it's the first one unless you just take a couple of photos to show he has done this before.

A couple of photos kept safely out of sight will harm no one and may protect a SEN child if this is the start of other stuff.

You have to act if you allow it to continue the little incidents will go on and on because the dad thinks it's ok.
Eventually he'll ruin his relationship with his son if he continues to be physical with him but in the meantime why should your son suffer.

And he won't apologise he sounds like a prize twat.