My ex-DH hurt our son

[JJ17]

My DS2 (my DS1 is mine, not both of ours) went to stay with ex-DH (his Dad) and his stepmum (she's been around for 7 or 8 years) DS2 is 11.

Stepmum made an innocent but hurtful remark re "chubby cheeks" (DS2 is a tiny bit chubby) and he sulked. He continued to sulk and was a bit sulky and rude to stepmum.

DS2 has a statement of SEN and doesn't always "get it" and stepmum is a nice woman with kids of her own who has known him a long tim, since he was v young.

Anyway, ex-DH reacted angrily and squeezed DS2's leg so hard that he left a hand shaped bruise.

DS2 is so sweet and so well meaning that he would only have been embarrassed at the "chubby cheeks" remark and would have come out of it given time.

I have never, ever raised a hand to him, he is not that kind of kid. You just have to explain what has gone on and he wants to help.

I am livid at his father for bruising him and have asked him to apologise to DS2. He says, "No way, he was rude". DS2 says he never wants to see his father again.

He bruised him.
There is no excuse for that. At All.

Smacked fingers for reaching for a plug socket - or even smacked bottom for running into the road and reducing your mother to a shaking sobbing vomitting wreck - is NOT the same as a bruise for saying something or doing something rude.

One is ill thought out discipline or fright. The other is child abuse.

I would photograph that bruise, write down what your son says about it, and support your cild in his wish not to see his dad again.

I definitely agree you should take a photo in case this happens again or if your son does not want any more unsupervised visits. I am not suggesting that his dad is going to abuse him or anything but you never know how things will may turn out in the future.
I would also insist that he is not to see his son until he has thought more carefully about what he has done and shows genuine remorse. There is no excuse to bruise a child like that at all. Your son must have been very upset. Does you ex know that his son does not want to see him for a while - maybe this will be enough to make him understand how hurtful in every sense, he was.

I was once incredibly rude to my mum as a child, really pushed her. She finally snapped and slapped me, and probably left a red mark, I can't remember.
She is the most wonderful, kind, lovely mum, I adore her, and we have a great relationship. I was probably furious with her at the time though, and if I'd had the choice of going to my 'other home' and refusing to see her, I probably would have. But if I thought my dad had taken a photo as 'proof' of 'violence' towards me, I would feel sickened and awful. If I had been encouraged to think of this as child abuse I dread to think how life would have turned out.
My parents are not divorced. I expect divorce and the subsequent two homes for a child heightens the intensity of any incident for the parent. You're absolutely right that your ex should apologise - perhaps encourage that talk he wants to have, when he sees how upset your son is the apology may come out very naturally along with a cuddle. Don't allow your son to not to see his dad. This does not sound like a man who doesn't love his son, and who resorts to hitting on a regular basis. From what you say, it's unlikely he'll ever do it again. My mum didn't. Your son has a great family in you and his brother, and another great family in his dad and a stepmum who is nice, while completely respecting your position as mum. That's a pretty good life for your boy. Really hope it all works out.

I don't think being forced to visit a man who bruises you for sulking is a fantastic loving family experience, actually. I think it's an abusive thing to do and it would be abusive to force him back into this situation.

And if this had happened within the confines of a married home - it would not stay married for much longer. I would not live with someone who bruises or has ever bruised my children.

I feel very sad for your son.

What your ex did was totally out of order and hopefully illegal.

I would be taking a photo and writing down exactly what happened and when.

I would probably be mad enough to threaten police tbh.

It is illegal IAmReallyFabNow.

What is the law on smacking children?
It is unlawful for a parent or carer to smack their child, except
where this amounts to ?reasonable punishment?. This defence is laid
down in section 58 of the Children Act 2004, but it is not defined
in this legislation. Whether a ?smack? amounts to reasonable punishment
will depend on the circumstances of each case taking into consideration
factors like the age of the child and the nature of the
smack.

However, physical punishment will be considered "unreasonable" if it
leaves a mark on the child or if the child is hit with an implement
such as a cane or a belt.

i agree with coldtits.
if anyone touched my child-i dont care who it is-theyd have no hands left.

You have a chance to show your son that nothing and no one is more important than he is and just because someone is bigger, older, or your parent it doesn't give them the right to hit you or hurt you physically.

You say your son doesn't want to see his dad for now, presumably because he is scared? I would photograph evidence, so you don't have to force him to visit to avoid losing maintenance, or for any other reason tied to legal access.
You can still talk to them both, and encourage ds to visit, you just have the evidence to justify withholding access if you son still feels he isn't ready to see his dad by the next visit.

It's illegal to mark a child. I would be taking a photo and going to the police.

If someone marked me, an adult, in that way I would report it to the police - why should it be any different for a child?

PLEASE take photographs and go to the police. This is a crime, and a VERY nasty crime, too. Just because this dreadful assault was done 'Parent to Child' that does NOT make it 'less bad'.

You need to keep your children away from this man, at least until you have reported him. You need to press charges. You are a great parent for being concerned!

All the best!

This is assault, isn't it?