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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give MIL a Christmas present which challenges her petty prejudices?

67 replies

redandyellowandpinkand · 22/12/2010 20:37

MIL has been in Britain for 30 years. She speaks perfect English and flamboyantly presents herself as a paragon of right-on, PC multiculturalism, assimilation and tolerance. She goes on every anti-racism march in the country, heads up endless campaigns in support of Kurds, Palestinians and Tibetans and sends angry emails to the local newspaper each time the BNP leaflet the town. And she sanctimoniously lectures me on such issues with a great air of superiority at every given opportunity.

Today I bought her a green scarf and hat for Christmas. DP said to me "you cannot give her that. It's green and nobody from her [insert ethnic group] ever wears green. It's what [insert neighbouring ethnic group] wear and MIL would be horrified and disgusted if anyone thought she was one of those."

I have pointed out the irony, or rather the cognitive dissonance, or rather hypocrisy, of such an attitude. But DP still insists that to give his mother a green scarf and hat would be a cultural abomination. I have suggested that a green scarf and hat might therefore be a very useful gift in helping MIL overcome some embarrassingly ingrained ethnic prejudices. But DP is insisting the MIL would never be seen dead in the colour green and thus that I might as well go and change the garments for another colour.

What does AIBU think? Should I give MIL the green to challenge her to live up to her principles, or should I just go and get another colour?

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 22/12/2010 21:06

Just change it.

5Foot5 · 22/12/2010 21:13

I agree with Horopu - get your DP to sort out the present for his mother.

Original poster
redandyellowandpinkand · 22/12/2010 21:16

Thanks for the compliments on my writing.

I would love DP to do some family present buying, but sadly it just isn't his style. But he's always happy to take the kids somewhere fun whilst I shop, so I secretly quite enjoy the time to myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
redandyellowandpinkand · 22/12/2010 21:18

I think I might swap MIL's scarf and hat with a CD set I bought for my mum. Neither will be any the wiser, and I would really rather avoid the shops in the subzero tomorrow.

OP posts:
discobeaver · 22/12/2010 21:56

As long as the cd isn't by green day. Or al green.

2rebecca · 22/12/2010 22:10

If you are going to buy someone a present then get them something you think they'd like. Otherwise don't bother and let your husband do it.

NonnoMum · 22/12/2010 22:14

My MiL hates green too.

But her prejudice is anti-Catholic in a very Glaswegian way.

Must have been hard for her to sit through her DGCs baptisms!

greenbananas · 22/12/2010 22:28

Well, if there's any doubt that she will like it, I would give her something else instead. No point in risking upsetting her or giving her something she won't wear, whatever the reasons.

Maybe I'm a coward, but I don't like winding people up. My elderly FIL has many prejudices that annoy me very deeply, but I feel it is not my job to confront him with them. There's no way I'll change his mind by arguing with him so if he says something really offensive I just quietly disagree and then change the subject.

ll31 · 22/12/2010 23:06

I think you've misunderstood the meaning of "present"... dont' think it normally means providing you with a way to feel smug and superior to the recipient.. It just seems slightly mean actually

blackeyedsusan · 23/12/2010 00:43

So you bought it without knowing that she doesn't like green with good intentions. I would ...

give it to dh to sort out, he is the one objecting to it, or

give it to mil because it was bought with care because you thought she would like it (save the receipt)or

Swap the present for your mum's (only if you think your mum will like the scarf and it would not leaad to resentment on your part.)

Also let dh sort out the presents in future.

Original poster
redandyellowandpinkand · 23/12/2010 07:49

OK, fair enough. Will swap presents with mum.

But whether I can avoid the ILs family bickering over who is the most progressive/enlightened/sophisticated/refined/cultured/etc/etc over the dinner table, well, can I?

OP posts:
happysunshinedays · 23/12/2010 08:15

Good call on the swap I reckon. All sounds a bit complicated.

nurseblade thanks for the article link. Really interesting.

porcamiseria · 23/12/2010 08:25

just get her something she will like, very mean otherwise

healthyElfy · 23/12/2010 08:58

I would change it this time, but next time dont show DH! :o I like the above posters idea to pass the job to DH, the the swap.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 23/12/2010 09:01

I wont be able to help but give it to her, you ddnt know when you bought it. Your DP may be wrong.

Have you ever seen her wear green?

TrillianAstra · 23/12/2010 09:07

Let's ignore the 'racism'.

If you had bought a hat and scarf for, say, your SIL, and it was pink, and your brother (her husband) said 'oh SIL never wears pink, she doesn't think it goes with her red hair', would you change it? Since you have been told that the same lovely item in a different colour would be better received as a gift and would get more use? I think you would change it.

Give a gift that the recipient will use and enjoy.

DrSeuss · 23/12/2010 09:48

I'm guessing Nigerian after a programme I saw about Nigerian weddings where guests all had to wear the correct tribal colours.

Eve · 23/12/2010 09:52

green is an unlucky colour in my Italian in laws family.

Nothing to do with racisim, just culture,

Diamondback · 23/12/2010 09:55

Brilliant - it's like the Sneetches with stars on their bellies, and those with no stars on thars! Xmas Grin

gingerjam · 23/12/2010 10:02

YABU disrespectful and needlessly insulting.

There are a few cultures for whom wearing green is bad luck. It used to be so here a hundred years ago.

If she doesn't want to be mistaken for another culture, can just mean she is proud of who she is. Ethnic minorities have been disrespected so people take pride in their ethnicity in order to reverse the disrespect and to stand up and be counted.

It sounds like you have a cool MIL and that you could learn a thing or two.

Bunbaker · 23/12/2010 10:07

"I don't think it's right to give a gift that you know would cause offence and upset. Regardless of how you feel about the hypocrisy of the issue. What's the point? It will only generate bad feeling."

I agree. It isn't exactly in the spirit of Christmas. Would it be easy enough to swap for a different colour? I would feel dreadful if I knew that I was giving someone a present that I knew they wouldn't like or might cause offence. I admit that I love to watch people open their presents and get a lot of joy out of it when it is something they really want.

OTheHugeManatee · 23/12/2010 10:08

Isn't this the basic paraldox of the whole PC enterprise?

We have to be tolerant and accepting of other people's cultures; but what happens when it's a part of that culture to be intolerant? Should we tolerate culturally-specific intolerance, or condemn it, and in doing so undermine our own position?

OTheHugeManatee · 23/12/2010 10:09

Oh, and re your question: YABU to give someone a present in order to 'teach her a lesson'. If you think she's inconsistent, debate it with her; but don't poison present-giving with politics.

notasize10yetbutoneday · 23/12/2010 10:17

Why is your DH so sure she won't wear it? if she is as right-on as you say, perhaps she will? Has she ever expressed any feelings towards the colour green previously?

LeMarron · 23/12/2010 10:22

redandyellow, i do like your style!

You asked a question. Thoughtfully took on board the responses.

:)

Sorry, no useful comment.