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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to come first, just once?

29 replies

SickAndBloodyTired · 22/12/2010 08:48

I know i probably ABU, and i'm the adult etc, but just for once i'd like to be important too.

Am a regular, but have namechanged for this.

I went into hosp. saturday morning and came home yesterday. Have had a bad chest infection and lots of drips to replace fluids ect. Still feeling very rough, coughing all night, not sleeping ect. DP has been looking after our three children and has literally done bugger all else. I had to send him shopping yesterday when i got home, and then make a start on the tidying up - dishwasher hadn't been filled, washing in front of washing machine ect - nothing had been done. He'd fed them on bloody cereal all weekend and himself on pot noodles.

He's more than capable, just needs a boot up his lazy arse, so it would seem.

Anyway, he was due to have his son on Sunday, but because i was in hospital and he had the other three to look after he decided to put off seeing him and has just gone off up there today - he left at 8.15 said he's be back by six, and i'm just left thiking that's fucking great. He gets to waltz off for the whole fucking day whilst i'm stuck in the house with three under fours, i feel like shite - all i want to do is pick a corner and die in it - and somehow i have to sort everything out for Christmas too - there's nothing wrapped, i still need to buy a few presents and there won't be a turkey unless i can go and get it tomorrow.

I really don't begrudge him spending time with his son, but just for once i'd like to come first.

Sigh.

Not going to happen is it?

OP posts:
prettymuchapixiegirl · 22/12/2010 09:02

YANBU! As someone who also had a chest infection last week I sympathise, they are the pits! I hope you are feeling a lot better now. The coughing all night is torturous isn't it? Horrible.

I would be absolutely fuming if my DH had been so lazy whilst I'd been in hospital, that is out of order, uncaring, and disrespectful towards you. I would go mad at my DH if he did this. Unfortunately a lot of men seem to think that they can do as they please and that basic household chores and childcare are optional.

With regards to his son, I can understand him wanting to see him, but I don't think it's fair that he's gone off for a whole day when you're clearly quite poorly, leaving you with 3 little ones and a trashed house. Surely he could have either brought his son round to yours for the day if he's going to be home, or he could have seen him for a shorter period of time just this once, or even resheduled for a day or two's time, just to give you time to recover.

I would make a list of the things that need doing before Xmas, give it to him and let him get on with it. You need to rest.

prettymuchapixiegirl · 22/12/2010 09:03

P.S. And I would go on strike towards him; don't do any of his washing/ironing etc, if you get Xmas food in don't buy anything he likes. Don't cook for him. If he treats you like you don't matter then I think it's only fair that he should get the same treatment in return.

FellatioNelson · 22/12/2010 09:05

Oh I see. I thought you meant in the boudoir! Confused

FrostyAndSlippery · 22/12/2010 09:09

Oh YANBU at all. I'm sure it was hard work looking after your 3 but presumably you do that a lot!

Leave him a massive list of housework for his return.

Original poster
SickAndBloodyTired · 22/12/2010 09:10

Grin @ Fellatio - he's not too bad that way Wink

No, i think words will be had tonight. Yes, i know how hard it is looking after the little 'uns - i do it day in, day out - and still manage to put the dinner on, washing on, hoover up...

Gah. He's usually so good too.

Juat want to hide under duvet and feel sorry for myself.

OP posts:
discobeaver · 22/12/2010 09:12

I did too FellatioN - however my response is pretty similar either way - of course you should!

Leaveing you post hosp with 3 tiny kids all day is terribly selfish, as he basically was saying he couldn't cope with 4 kids and he is well.

Do the BARE minimum for christmas, absolutely no extras and nothing for him at all. I'd even take his clothes out of the washing pile, but I'm petty.

Yulephemia · 22/12/2010 09:20

Boudoir! Xmas Grin

Original poster
SickAndBloodyTired · 22/12/2010 10:23

He's just rung, checking to see i'm alright if i'm still pissed off at him and he told me he's picked up my sript - there's good of him - and i should be sat with my feet up in front of the tv - i told him i was too busy doing all the things that hadn't been done for the past four days, to which he replied 'Oh'.

Yes, Oh's about right...

OP posts:
FrostyAndSlippery · 22/12/2010 14:31

Start writing that list, SABT...

mamasmissionimpossible · 22/12/2010 14:42

I love the word boudoir Xmas Grin

I thought the title meant in 'the boudoir' too!

DeckTheHallWithBowlsOfPomBears · 22/12/2010 14:48

Doh
Thought it would be a sex thread

frgr · 22/12/2010 14:49

So you are recovering from a stay in hospital, and he's left three children with you, yet he was incapable of looking after one more whilst being totally fit and well himself? And you're having to catch up on housework, he wasn't able to feed them properly?

This is a great example of why certain parenting situations really are rods for some people's backs. What would he do if you'd still been in hospital?

Is he not capable of looking after his own children?

I'm sorry to focus on them, because it sounds like you defintiely need some pampering/being put first, but it constantly shocks me that so many MNers are married to "fathers" who can't even look after their own children, never mind begin to show the mother of their children an acceptable level of respect or sense of teamwork.

Awful, really. He doesn't have any excuse, whether he's rung to smooth things over or not. His phonecall doesn't get a wash load finished, it doesn't clean up dirty dishes, and it hasn't put a meal on the table. These are all things that needed to be done whilst you were ill, and he's utterly failed to support his family.

StayFrosty · 22/12/2010 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bupcakesandcunting · 22/12/2010 14:57

This thread isn't what I thought it was going to be about. You should be more careful about your thread titles, OP. You can disappoint people, you know? Wink

Haribojoe · 22/12/2010 15:01

YANBU, you need and deserve time to rest and recuperate.

Just because you are a mum doesn't mean that you shouldn't be looked after and nurtured when you need it.

Hope you start to mend soon and get looked after properly.

radiohelen · 22/12/2010 15:07

Gutted this isn't a bedroom thread. Anyway. Personally, in those circumstances I would take his credit card, book myself into a nice hotel for a night and tell him what you are doing as you walk out the door. You'll be back in 24 hours. If he wants a skivvy he can use the same credit card.
Failing that I would immediately telephone a cleaning company and book a cleaner once a week for the next month. Then I would call an ironing service and book them for the next month. Then I would buy membership to an indoor play place for the family.
That little lot should cost the same as a night at the Dorchester..... not that I know how much that would cost thanks to their helpful e-mails every monthWink

defineme · 22/12/2010 15:09

When I have been this ill I have simply got in bed and not get out and that's exactly what dh would do. I suspect your dh would too.

Stop sorting stuff out this minute.

If the children are fed with anything and have toys/tv then your job is done. I had 3 under 3 at one point and when very very ill with flu simply brought snacks up to my room and a dvd then waited under duvet for dh to come home.

Write a list of stuff he has to do for each day (infantilising him I know but kids deserve prezzies and you're too ill) including housework.

Tell him you will probably relapse if you don't rest.

THEN DO NOT GET OUT OF BED.

toddlerama · 22/12/2010 16:52

Agree with defineme. I'm in bed with flu. DH will come home to a mess. His world wont implode. The DD's have required minimal refereeing and have eaten sandwiches.

blackeyedsusan · 22/12/2010 17:06

Oh I recognised the meaning of the thread immediately, from bitter experience.

His behaviour is not acceptable, I hope that you have better luck convincing him than I did dh. (left me with dd(1) and vvvbad morning sickness to go to his parents 65th party, (encouraged him to go ) BUT did not come home for 12 hours+)

do not do any more sorting out, leave it to him. Go and rest

Original poster
SickAndBloodyTired · 22/12/2010 17:15

Hmmm... is this the end of my marraige i see?

He text me to say that he was going to be late back as he's met 'a friend' and is going for a christmas pint.

I rang him and said that i'd rather he didn't as i was still feeling very poorly, had been on my own with the kids all day and needed a break. Apparently though, i can't be really ill as they wouldn't have send me home from hospital if i was really ill. I need to suck it up and get on with it, apparently.

So.

I've told him to fuck off with himself. I'm going to ring my dad and ask him to come and get me and the kids. At least if i go and stay with him and his wife the kids will have proper care and i can die quitetly.

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 22/12/2010 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred · 22/12/2010 17:21

omg!!! im so sorry for you! do it - bloody leave him to stew for a day or two..!!!

BrianAndHisBalls · 22/12/2010 17:24

total twat!!! you should be in bed resting.

FrostyAndSlippery · 22/12/2010 17:24

Shock your DH is a wanker.

QueenofDreams · 22/12/2010 17:37

arsewipe!

I vote he gets to spend christmas alone!!

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