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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel like such a heartless b***h but really im out of my depth with this womans problems and lies

60 replies

stoppinattwo · 21/12/2010 21:34

This has been going on for some time now, this poor lady knocks at my door with children in tow, she has some massive problems at home, I think her husband hits her (infact Im 100% definate he does) the kids are so affected by instability that goes on...my heart goes out to her it really does....she has 5 kids and is probably in her late 20's.

BUT I never get a straight answer out of her about what her problem is, she seems so scared/ paranoid and her conversation is so random and disjointed (not sure there arnt drugs involved)

Anyway tonight she has called with a HUGE shiner, with a story that someone broke into her house whilst she was there with the kids and she was so scared she jumped out of the window and hence the black eye!!!

I dont doubt she did jump out of a window but im guessing she was trying to get away from her partner - I mean it was supposed to have happened at 11.00am in the morning....

My door has always been open to her, and I know she is increadibly scared of something but I really dont know what to do for her, all my suggestions are ignored...Im losing patience but I dont want to turn my back on her, If anything serious happened to either her or the kids I would never forgive myself....(the youngest boy who is 4, walked into my living room, i beconed him over and his mum called him back he looked at her ignored her and came and sat on my knee which made me feel quite awkward as he hardly knows me really but was prepared to come to me)

I just really dont know what to do, I have tried to write as much as I can to recall everything but Im sure there is more as I think about it....Her stories are so inconsistent but it is obvious she is crying out for help Sad

OP posts:
gapbear · 21/12/2010 22:10

"she is an adult and has legs to walk away"

I know what you mean, and it is frustrating, but it often isn't as easy as that with DV. Some very well educated and well off women find it hard to leave abusive partners, never mind women who had a tricky start to life.

He may have threatened to find her if she ever leaves him, or promised that harm will come to the children. He may have isolated her emotionally, socially and financially.

She obviously trusts you (you are clearly a lovely caring person :) ) - even though she knows you contacted Social Care she still feels she can rely on you.

Do a bit of research on Women's Aid (their website is very good, and I think they have a site that lets children know what to expect too), so you have some facts at your fingertips.

All you can do is keep being a good friend.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 21/12/2010 22:15

Penelope...she isnt a friend she is someone who knocks on my door when she is in strife....She cares for her children, in that she cares about them but I just dont think she is capable for caring for them at the moment, she has too many other issues,

The problem is I cant exactly put my finger on waht the problem is becasue I dont have a specific example except that she is currenlty sporting a shiner that would put tyson to shame, and if i have it wrong and she isnt looking for help, she is such a good actress Im convinced she would talk her way out of it and then know it was me who had phoned and that would mean another door closing to her (ie my door, as im sure she would never trust me again)

I know I HAVE to phone SS but I just need to make sure I say the right things

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 21/12/2010 22:18

give a factual as it is account.thats right thing to say. duty then pass that Assessment to senior they discuss and prioritise.and make a plan of action,you provide the info,sw do the assessment

Unrulysanta · 21/12/2010 22:19

If she knows you called them last time then coming to you with a black eye is pretty much begging you to call them.

I know someone who does this - suffers really really abusive dv then goes (with her burns and blood) to her friend whose dh is a police superintendent and orders them not to call the police (of course they have to).

It's a cry for help and a person who isn't very powerful giving someone who she thinks is powerful all the tools to do something. :(

Call them.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 21/12/2010 22:20

scottishmummy, Im going to write down as much as I an remember as I dont want to flit too much when I talk to them on the phone.

thankyou for your advice

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 21/12/2010 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 21/12/2010 22:22

bullets points will suffice,factual account,do explain you are anxious too. this is never easy

ScarlettWalking · 21/12/2010 22:22

Those poor children Sad please call SS

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 21/12/2010 22:23

unrulysanta that is a bloody good point and something that just made me go really cold, heres me thinking "fark what do i do", this woman knows i called them last time, maybe really she wants me to call them without actually asking me to....she is giving me all the ammunition

OP posts:
mommmmyof2 · 21/12/2010 22:24

All you can say is what you no, there is no point in accusing if you have no proof.But there is obviously a reason for your concern in the first place and if you feel there is a need to ring then you have to ring.
No one is an expert you have to trust your own instinct sometimes.

Tolalola · 21/12/2010 22:24

I thought exactly the same as Unrulysanta when I read your post OP.

She knows you called SS before. You were probably the only person who cared/knew enough to call them. But she still comes to your house when she's in trouble.

It sounds like she's begging you to call them again.

scottishmummy · 21/12/2010 22:25

tbh,stick to the factual what you see,all the what ifs and why will do your head in.you need to be brave and be decisive

QueenGigantaurofMnet · 21/12/2010 22:41

"she is an adult and has legs to walk away"

what in incredibly ignorant comment.

Jux · 21/12/2010 22:47

Good luck op. You'll do fine and she and her kids will be much better off as a result.

greenbananas · 21/12/2010 22:49

Glad you're going to phone Social Services - definitely the right move as this is clearly a child protection issue. Make sure they realise how important it is that she doesn't get wind of the fact that it is you that called. Hopefully they will be supportive.

Do you have a local community police team? The Safer Communities Team folk in my area are very tactful and genuinely concerned to address issues like this. They might also be able to put you in touch with other people that could help.

minouminou · 22/12/2010 00:14

She found out you'd reported her to SS before and she STILL comes round for help? She's desperate for you to do something - she probably sees you as strong and capable (which I'm sure you are).
I'm for calling SS too - keep us posted.

newwave · 22/12/2010 00:23

Stoppin, you are doing a wonderful thing by helping her, you may be the anchor that stops her from giving in.

As a lot of posters say you MUST call the SS and maybe the Police, this can be done anonymously.

You are a good person not many would be there for her.

MadamDeathstare · 22/12/2010 03:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 22/12/2010 05:59

"she is an adult and has legs to walk away"

"what in incredibly ignorant comment."

you know what Queengigantaur, you can fark right off with your comment, dont call me ignorant, what part of that sentence is ignorant?

Walk a mile and then call me ignorant. Why the fark do you think Im posting at this time in the morning, because I have been awake most of the night worrying about this poor family.....

I stand by everything I have said and dont take anything back, I am hoping that by phoning SS I am giving her the facility to walk away as she obviously hasnt the strength of mind (albeit the body is strong enough) to do it.

She is not a friend, but she obviously sees me as someone who can help and I am glad that she is able to call me, I just hope to god that if i do phone SS she doesnt shut down and stop talking whilst at the same time playing the "everythings ok" card to SS - as I said before she can turn her personality in a second (good actress)

OP posts:
bubblebabeuk · 22/12/2010 06:23

I agree she seems to be asking you, without words, to help her, to do, what she knows you did before. You should call SS and stop anything worse happening in this situation. thinking of you, its not a nice situation to be placed in I would imagine, good luck and keep us posted. So sad, its the week before christmas but this might give those children there first christmas without violence (if thats whats been happening)

theevildead2 · 22/12/2010 06:30

I agree she is an adult and can leave. Her children on the other hand don't have that luxury. You have a responsibilty as an adult who is aware of the situation to make sure they are taken in to care by someone who can help. At the best they only see the abuse, at worse they are being abused.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 22/12/2010 11:39

Have done it......> that was tough, felt like a right shoite bag saying "make sure my request is anonymous Sad...I have stressed that Im sure she looks after her children but I think she needs support...

I hope this works

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 22/12/2010 11:54

I'm glad you did.
I have had to do this ,so I know you feel awful, but it is the right thing to do.

Her life sounds desperate :(

Highlander · 22/12/2010 12:23

If she's in denial about DV, and SS get involved, will they not think she's neglecting her kids by doing nothing? Could they be removed into care?

I think I may have veered to phoning women's aid first, but hey ho.

ragged · 22/12/2010 12:27

What would women's aid do for her, Highlander? I am usually one of the people most loathe to say phone SS, but I thought maybe SS was the right call here. Agree that OP had to phone somebody.