Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not really want my friend and her family to come on Boxing Day?

46 replies

tyzer2001 · 21/12/2010 14:26

Little bit of background:

Last year my friends mum died a week before Christmas. Plainly this was horrendous and was made more so by the fact that it was unexpected and they had always had family Christmas at her mums so no plans had been made. Naturally I said 'You must all come to us' and so they did, and all went well.

Over the course of the year in between , my friend struck up a new friendship with another mum, someone who she had far more in common with then me, and we drifted apart a bit. Still friendly but not as close as we used to be. This friendship grew stronger and stronger until they went on holiday together in the summer and had a big bust-up. Since then I have seen a little more of her. (I know it may sound as though I am a little bitter but I don't think I am any more although I was at first).

Anyway, when the subject of Christmas Day came up she said 'Oh well you must come to us this year as we came to you last year'. Now, I really didnt want to go as I prefer to be at home Christmas Day but I was aware that it would be her first time of doing Christmas and that perhaps she wanted the help /support and that of course it would still be a hard time after her mum passing, and so I agreed that we would go to them for Christmas Day.

At least we would still have Boxing Day to ourselves, to have a quiet time at home. Until three days ago, when she said 'So, what are you doing Boxing Day?' and followed it with 'Oh great, we'll come to you then.'!!!

I tried saying I wasn't really up for it and she said 'But it's so weird for us without Mum around...'

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 21/12/2010 14:28

Not sure I understand teh problem. You're all adults, no? Just say no!

BelligerentYhoULE · 21/12/2010 14:30

So you dropped the conversation and now she thinks she's coming?

I think it's too late now to change that - you should have been more assertive at the time.

So yanbu to wish that you'd handled the conversation better but I think it would be unkind to try and get out of it now.

notasize10yetbutoneday · 21/12/2010 14:30

I don't really understand where the 'other' friend fits into the dilemma. It seems to me YABabitU, not least as this is only her second Christmas without her mum. Time with your own family is important- but if anything happened to you, wouldn't you want someone to look after your DCs at this time of year?

muminthemiddle · 21/12/2010 14:31

Could you make something up. Eg your dh long lost relatives from Australia are coming to stay and have insisted that you all go out for lunch on Boxing Day.

Original poster
tyzer2001 · 21/12/2010 14:33

You are right and I should have just said no, but I felt a little bit emotionally blackmailed.

The other friend doesn't fit into the current problem, I think I was just trying to illustrate a little bit of why our friendship is not as solid as it was before.

She does have her own family - she is a grown woman with a partner and two kids - I am not suggesting she should sit alone at Christmas! I agreed to Christmas Day there, but I just feel that now we will have very little special family time ourselves.

OP posts:
BelligerentYhoULE · 21/12/2010 14:35

How about phoning her and suggesting that they come just for breakfast or just for supper or something? That way you still get part of the day with just your familiy.

Original poster
tyzer2001 · 21/12/2010 15:18

We haven't arranged a time yet so I think I am going to go 'Oh I assumed you meant for tea.. about three suit you?' in a bright and breezy voice whilst crossing all fingers and toes and clenching teeth!

OP posts:
BelligerentYhoULE · 21/12/2010 15:20

:)

zipzap · 21/12/2010 15:22

Could you ring her up and say that when you talked with your husband you discovered that he had already made plans for the day that he was planning on surprising you with so that it's not going to be possible to spend boxing day together but howabout meeting up for coffee/walk/tea/whatever on a different day in christmas week instead?

She doesn't have to know that you your dh has just planned a lovely quiet family day together - those sort of plans are just as valid as meeting up with other people, if not moreso if you don't get a lot of family time together. Just remember to tell your dh in advance so that if she mentions it to him on christmas day he doesn't sound surprised or find himself saying 'we're having a quiet day' and her inviting herself because she wants to get out of her house.

Or if you don't want to ring her, could your dh ring her and say that OP has just told her of plans but sorry, he's already planning something, not giving away any details but how about meeting for a coffee later in the week and deflecting it that way.

If they push, you/he could just say you are recreating the dream family christmas day you always had/dreamed of as a child and that you're not doing it on xmas day because you're seeing them, but instead have promised yourselves that you will do it on boxing day instead and that you are looking forward to having a nice relaxing time just as a family for a change.

Did you seem them last boxing day as well or was the friend with just her family? so will this be effectively her first boxing day that she will be just alone with her family? If she tries the 'it'll be so weird without her' line, just say, 'yes, I know but I guess that also makes it a lovely time to take some time to remember your mum and a great time to start some new family traditions with your own family'.

Given the situation - not like she is 20 and with no other family or friends of her own - it's very nice of you to share christmas day together but it's not unreasonable to want to have boxing day apart.

Just practise and rehearse the telephone conversation over and over with her in your head, work out what you will say if she says OK/but we must come/spend the next day together/etc so that when you have the actual phone call you're not flummoxed by what she says and don't get trapped into inviting her again!

Good luck and be strong...

hairyfairylights · 21/12/2010 15:23

You are being a walk over here. Not even able to specify what time she can come?

Original poster
tyzer2001 · 21/12/2010 15:25

Sorry have not made myself clear. I have no dh/dp, just me and DS (20) and DD(14). This means that people often assume I must be lonely at Christmas and glad of company (so not true!).

I know I am being a walkover.

Must get tough. Must get tough. Must get tough.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 21/12/2010 15:25

If she has a partner and 2 kids then I don't get why she can't spend any of xmas without you. Shouldn't she be supporting her extended family through this time? My mum died just a few years ago and I made more effort to spend xmas with my dad and sibs than usual. When you are an adult with your own family you probably haven't spent every xmas with your parents anyway.
Agree it's too late now but you should have told her that you're having a quiet boxing day and that she could maybe stay at home and play games with her kids.
Doesn't her partner have any relatives she can visit? It all sounds very strange. She's behaving more like a single teenager than a married woman with kids.

Original poster
tyzer2001 · 21/12/2010 15:27

@ zipzap - last Boxing Day she and her family went to her brothers but she has fallen out with him during the year.

OP posts:
Original poster
tyzer2001 · 21/12/2010 15:29

Her partners family live down in Exeter and they did their 'Christmas visit' last week, and her Stepdad is spending the day with his natural daughter (who does not see eye-to-eye with my friend as her mother was 'the slut who stole my dad away' IYSWIM

OP posts:
JaneS · 21/12/2010 15:36

Would you prefer to see her at New Year/early January?

If it were me, I'd probably think of getting a few friends round one day between Christmas and New Year - that way you can ring her and say 'actually, instead of Boxing Day, why don't you come on the --th, there's a few of us getting together, it'll be fun'.

That way, you get some time to breathe (I wouldn't fancy Christmas Day/Boxing Day with the same friend, however close). And it's also a bit of a break of this 'tradition' she seems to think is forming.

Would that be possible?

Original poster
tyzer2001 · 21/12/2010 15:40

Oh Lordie lordie I forgot to mention New year didn't I.

We always go there, for her traditional New Years Eve party.

Which is fancy dress. Which I loathe.

I know, i know - I need to move house, change my face, join the witness protection programme, yes?

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 21/12/2010 15:42

Just don't answer the door

I am with zipzap. Make up some spurious lie, better that than have to sit there and feel resentful.

atswimtwolengths · 21/12/2010 15:48

She falls out with a lot of people, doesn't she?

5GoldenFimbos · 21/12/2010 15:48

Tell her you are going to the Christmas sales and does she want to come too?

JaneS · 21/12/2010 15:49

Oh gawd.

Ok, I take my post back: you need to learn to say no! You're getting stressed about this woman who's expecting to see you on three separate holidays within a week? Why?

Not being funny, but does she have a crush on you or something?

IAPJJLPJ · 21/12/2010 15:49

Good grief!! You are spending more time with her than I do with my own family!!!

Think you need to cancel one!!

Original poster
tyzer2001 · 21/12/2010 15:57

I think I may be one of the few people she hasn't fallen out with this year LOL.

She so should have a crush on me, I am gert lush as we say round these parts.

Seriously I think I am one of her few remaining friends which is why it's seeming a bit overload to me.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 21/12/2010 16:40

Why is she so against just spending time with her own family? Boxing day isn't exactly a big social occasion, well not for me, unless I'm staying somewhere with family. I wouldn't regard spending boxing day with just my bloke and kids if they are here as that awful, might be a nice rest.
How does her bloke feel about not having much of a break from you and your family? Can't imagine dragging my husband round to see one of my friends for a social "do" 3 times in a week. Suspect he'd rebel!

Original poster
tyzer2001 · 21/12/2010 16:47

I don't know!

I do get on just fine with her bloke (there is also the advantage that there's a massive age gap between them - he's 23 she's 39 - so he will play X-box with DS most of the time PMSL) but you would think they would relish some time together.

I can only think it is because she is so used to being at her mums house for the whole of Christmas that she thinks she will dwell on her loss more if she's at home. Or something.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 21/12/2010 17:22

O.k. it's sad she lost her mum, but that doesn't excuse her letting a friendship slide in favour of a new one. I think she is taking advantage of the fact that you are always available and forgiving, and clearly manipulative enough to resort to emotional blackmail when it suits.

At least you can choose how long you stay at your friends on Christmas day. If you don't want her to come for all of Boxing day, try to limit it to one meal. If you hate her New Year party, make arrangements to do something else or be unavailable. Do your DC want to attend this party, or do they do something else? They may be relieved not to have to go. Make comments that next year you may not be available for Christmas (it doesn't matter whether you are or not, it's just to let your friend know things will not stay the same.) Who knows, she may have another best friend by then or have moved away. If not, get in first and make sure she knows you aren't sticking to the pattern of previous years and have already made plans.

Swipe left for the next trending thread