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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not really want my friend and her family to come on Boxing Day?

46 replies

tyzer2001 · 21/12/2010 14:26

Little bit of background:

Last year my friends mum died a week before Christmas. Plainly this was horrendous and was made more so by the fact that it was unexpected and they had always had family Christmas at her mums so no plans had been made. Naturally I said 'You must all come to us' and so they did, and all went well.

Over the course of the year in between , my friend struck up a new friendship with another mum, someone who she had far more in common with then me, and we drifted apart a bit. Still friendly but not as close as we used to be. This friendship grew stronger and stronger until they went on holiday together in the summer and had a big bust-up. Since then I have seen a little more of her. (I know it may sound as though I am a little bitter but I don't think I am any more although I was at first).

Anyway, when the subject of Christmas Day came up she said 'Oh well you must come to us this year as we came to you last year'. Now, I really didnt want to go as I prefer to be at home Christmas Day but I was aware that it would be her first time of doing Christmas and that perhaps she wanted the help /support and that of course it would still be a hard time after her mum passing, and so I agreed that we would go to them for Christmas Day.

At least we would still have Boxing Day to ourselves, to have a quiet time at home. Until three days ago, when she said 'So, what are you doing Boxing Day?' and followed it with 'Oh great, we'll come to you then.'!!!

I tried saying I wasn't really up for it and she said 'But it's so weird for us without Mum around...'

OP posts:

2rebecca · 21/12/2010 19:28

With the spending all Christmas every Christmas with her mum up to the age of 39 and having a boyfriend 16 years younger than her she isn't exactly grasping adulthood with both hands is she?
I presume she must be more mature than she sounds or she wouldn't be a good friend of yours.

Original poster

tyzer2001 · 21/12/2010 21:31

She is fine in lots of ways and to be fair I am probably painting a slightly unfair grim picture of her - because I want a comfy cosy Christmas in my own house with my curtains shut and my trousers undone, instead of either in someone else's house on 'guest' behaviour or in my own house on 'hostess' duty :(

OP posts:

zipzap · 21/12/2010 21:57

Ok so no dp/dh - could your kids have plans that you hadn't realised about ?

Or just ring her up and say that now you have had a chance to work out what you are doing over christmas week, it's just not going to be possible for you to host a big boxing day bash this year, but that it will be lovely to see you on New Year's Eve and a nightmare to find fancy dress.

As others on here often say - don't offer any explanation, if you do the other person will see it as an obstacle to be removed and overcome and then hey presto they get their way because they will find the solution to your problem. Just do the broken record repeating of 'not going to be possible' and keep diverting to NYE. Mind you might be a good idea to be off on a nice boxing day walk when you think they might be arriving

Oh and start up a thread to on MN to get someone to think of a really simple non-fancy fancy dress idea so you can just wear whatever you want without having to do the fancy dress thing. My vote is to be dressed up as somebody at a normal party or maybe as somebody at a normal christmas party with a santa hat on top of normal party outfit ...

RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 21/12/2010 22:08

can you say 'look I'm sorry but this is really really awkward but you've had big chats at home and your DC have said that they would really really like to be at home on christmas day and you're so sorry but you know she understands that the kids come first etc etc etc. and say that you don't want to change things for them if they're not happy as it's their childhood memories and you're only too aware that they'll be grown up soon. and that you will of course reimburse her for anything extra that has been bought for the meal thinking they were coming and you're so sorry but you're going to have to do the right thing......

Original poster

tyzer2001 · 22/12/2010 14:10

I'm ok with the Christmas Day arrangements, I've had since September to get my grumpy arse sorted about that one.

I'm semi-ok with the NYE although I have now said 'My fancy dress outfit is going to be 'Grumpy Bitch at a Fancy Dress Party' (thanks whoever suggested that!!).

And, I have this thing about people who say they will do something and then don't. so I have accepted that through being a feeble arsewipe I will have to do the Boxing Day thing. But I have told her it's 3pm until 'we go out at 6pm' (even if we have to go out, round the block and hide behind the hedge until they've gone LOL).

I 'spose really I just wanted somewhere I could moan and whinge and now I have done that so ta v much to all of you for listening. Next year I WILL BE STRONG!!!

OP posts:

ladydeedy · 22/12/2010 14:38

I can sympathise as it is very difficult when you are caught a bit offguard and agree to stuff which you later regret. I have done this myself - I even agreed to go on a date with someeone that I cant bear, just because he phoned up out of the blue and caught me off-balance as it were!! I found myself saying yes then when I put the phone down... arrrggghhh!!! (actually it was ok in the end as I just cancelled).

Agree with the no explanation bit. Your friend is needy and the more you give the more she will expect over time till you get completely fed up!!

Suggest you email or text (as this means no negotiation and she can think it over in her own time) saying you know you agreed but on reflection... have decided to change your plans for Boxing Day but look forward to seeing her at the New Year bash. Sorry for inconvience. End.

You will feel so much happier when you have done this. Just send it now, be done with it and sigh with relief!!

girlywhirly · 22/12/2010 15:25

Well, see how it goes this Christmas day, Boxing day and New Years day, and if you haven't really enjoyed yourself, remember it next year and steel yourself to say you've made plans without explaining or justifying yourself.

I think the only way is to plan what you want to do (or make it sound as if you have) well in advance of any discussion of the subject with your friend, which will make you less likely to be caught on the hop and pushed into things. Remind yourself of how good she is at inviting herself before you can get a word in!

GooseFatRoasties · 22/12/2010 17:46

YANBU

Panzee · 22/12/2010 17:51

If this was me I would tell myself it's her first Christmas without her mum and her not being in shock, and suck it up this time. The Boxing Day plan (3 till 6) sounds like a good one. Then I would be more prepared next year so it didn't happen again. :o

ThoseArtisticTypes · 22/12/2010 18:17

tell her you ave swine flu and that sorts out xmas and new year!

MrsGuyOfChristmasBorn · 22/12/2010 18:36

no advice, but Tyzer, love that expression 'gert lush' - where are you from? (And no, I am not angling for an invite )

Heifer · 22/12/2010 18:48

Crikey, hers Christmas Day and yours Boxing day? I hope you do all get along really well!!

How about saying that you fancy having Boxing Day on your own, and how about having keeping it to Christmas Day at hers then yours again next year...

Good luck

swanandduck · 22/12/2010 18:52

She has falen out with both her friend and her brother during the year, and is obviously pissing you off as well. She sounds a bit

2rebecca · 22/12/2010 20:34

This is her second Christmas without her mum. They did the first Christmas thing last year, which is maybe why I find it a bit OTT. My mum died late in the year but I'd feel I was emotionally blackmailing my friends if the second Christmas after her death I'd gone on about needing to spend Christmas day AND boxing day with them because of my mother's death.
She has her partner and kids to help her in her time of stress which seems weirder still.
If my husband's mum had died over a year ago and he insisted on spending xmas day and boxing day with a friend to help with his grieving I'd feel I was a rubbish wife, and wonder why me and the kids weren't enough, and wonder how many xmases this was going to go on for..

beachholiday · 22/12/2010 20:42

Think its never a good idea to give into something when you feel you are being manipulated. Its not going to do your friendship any favours in the long run.

Original poster

tyzer2001 · 23/12/2010 07:46

Dunno about manipulated - I felt more railroaded LOL.

OP posts:

Original poster

tyzer2001 · 23/12/2010 07:47

@ MrsGuy - I am from Bristol x

OP posts:

healthyElfy · 23/12/2010 08:47

I would phone and breezily say 'o sorry, changed our mind and having a crashing out in front of the telly day, lets do xxth instead" Repeat until she gets it! I agree with Beachholiday, its not going to be good for your relationship if you resent her, and so really you may well be saving your friendship (but she just wont realise). Good luck and have a lovely quiet Boxing Day.

Goblinchild · 23/12/2010 08:52

'I think I may be one of the few people she hasn't fallen out with this year LOL.'

It's hard to fall out with a pushover, where's the resistance?
She has an idea and you say 'oh um' and comply.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/12/2010 09:25

Oh god, she's cast you as substitute mum.

Run away, run away!

OTheHugeManatee · 23/12/2010 13:24

What Annie said. She sounds weird and clingy. Run in the direction of away! Or at least break it to her that you've already got kids and don't want to have to mother her as well.

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