I am but I am turning into a seething ball of resentment and just need to RANT

[FestiveGonad]

Apologies this is mega long and anecdotal but I really need to let it all out because I am starting to stew and am getting to the point where every little thing is pissing me off and really don?t want it to affect Christmas. You don?t have to read it all, just writing it down will help!

1.In October I asked my mum what their xmas plans were, she said she didn?t know yet but they might be going away. A couple of weeks later my sister was over (she lives abroad) and asked us all how we were spending Christmas. Mum replied ?I don?t know yet I am waiting for festive to tell us whether or not she wants to come to us?

Anyway we discussed it properly and agreed that the dc and I would go and spend Christmas - NY with my parents. Mum asked what date dd finished school and said they would come and get us that day. I said no we have various events on the week after school breaks up (pantomime, trip to see santa, 2 x playdates for dd) and a friend coming to stay so the earliest we could go was the day before Christmas eve, but I would prefer to go Christmas eve itself because there is a toddler carol service that morning that we are supposed to be going to. She threw a big strop and said there was no point in us going if the dc weren?t going to be there in the build up to Christmas. Told her not to be silly and that we would be there xmas eve and she would get to see the dc open their stockings etc and have them the whole of xmas day. After a couple of days sulking she seemed to be ok with that.

2.A couple of years ago I started the xmas eve tradition of new pjs and a dvd, and said to mum I would want to do this again this year (we were there last year too and mum made a huge fuss about having to put on her pjs before she was going to bed) and she said she didn?t want to. I said ok she didn?t have to but would want the dc and I to so she could either skip the pj part and just watch the dvd with us or the dc and I could watch the dvd upstairs. She then complained that it wasn?t in the spirit of Christmas for us to closet ourselves away and why did we have to do it anyway, it?s hardly a tradition after 3 years and is silly anyway. It?s something I have started for my dc and I, the dc love it and it?s not interfering with any existing traditions they have because they?ve never had any for xmas eve.

3.Boxing Day my auntie always has a big family party, and had emailed to ask for a rough idea of numbers. I always enjoy this party, the dc have other children to play with, lots of food and drink, get to see family I don?t see often etc. But when I phoned my mum to see whether she wanted to go (as we are staying with them) she said ?well I would have quite liked to but I?ve phoned dsis and told her I don?t think we?ll be able to because I think it might be too much for you and the dc ESPECIALLY AS YOU ARE ONLY COMING ON XMAS EVE and I don?t know if you?ll be up for it. Such a shame.? WTF?? Fair enough if she doesn?t want to go but don?t make out it?s down to me!

4.I had a child free day at the beginning of November and went out and got their presents and everything for their stockings. I didn?t go crazy but there was plenty there and I?d put quite a bit of thought into ensuring that the stocking fillers weren?t just bits of crap but things they?d actually play with and appreciate. Once we had arranged to go to my parent?s I took all the stuff for the dc there so it was there ready and little spies wouldn?t find it in the meantime. Yesterday I was speaking to my mum and she told me she was going to sort through the stocking stuff and decide what to take out asked her what she meant and she said there was far too much there so she needed to sort through it. I said there wasn?t that much and she said she had been adding to it because some of the things I?d got weren?t suitable for stockings. Asked her which things and she said a couple of things were more main presents and things like toothbrushes and bubble bath were just boring and shouldn?t be presents so she?d bought more stocking things like crayons and little plastic bits. I know I am being ungrateful but those are exactly the things I wanted to avoid-we have thousands of crayons and plastic shit is plastic shit and all ends up in the bin after a few days.

5.She then went on to say that because of the weather if there was a good driving day they would come and get us and I might have to miss my ?precious? carol concert etc. Fair enough to make the most of any good weather/clear roads etc but she is completely belittling our plans. When I pointed out my friend and dd would be staying here (weather permitting) she said ?well you?ll just have to leave them there?.

I just feel as though she is being very controlling and isn?t acknowledging that the dc and I are a family in our own right with our own life, our own home, and our own way of doing things

I largely agree with the other posters but am I understanding it right that she will have to come and pick you all up?

In which case I can understand her not wanting to leave it till xmas eve - I wouldn't want to either.

Unless you only live 5 minutes round the corner in which case she is BU about that too!

Like others I have a familiar situation. However I do feel more in control i think! Phone your Aunt and say that you'ld love to go to the party (if your parents wont can you get someone else to get you there if its too far to walk). You said you enjoyed it and your DC will too. Then its up to your mum and dad whether they choose to go. YOU are NOT responsible for THEIR choices. You are responsible for yours so stick to your guns re stocking present, pjs etc. Of course you are someone's guest and should be respectful but make the choices you can and make a gentle but firm stand on the things that are important. Tackle a couple of issues this year but realise you cant do it all. Enjoy yourself and get some fresh air too!

Tbh sounds a bit like you want it all on your terms as it's convenient for you, and anything that's nice or convenient for her is out of the question. Comes across a bit as you're using her.

Case in point: you don't want to spend the holiday alone because you want adult company. So you want to arrive as late as possible, do your own thing on Boxing Day without her, and you don't seem to care about the fact that she's part of this too.

Fwiw I would not put up with her going through the stocking stuff and cancelling Boxing Day without your consent.

But YABU to show up there when you feel like it (i.e., when you run out of other interesting things to do with your DCs and your friends) and leave when you've had enough. Doesn't sound like you're a very gracious guest at all.

Sounds like the two of you have had this mutual mother-daughter passive-aggressive thing going on for a long time and it hasn't just manifested itself this Christmas. So look deeper at why you do what you do and why she does what she does and try to fix that. As other posters have said, stop acting like a kid and maybe she'll stop treating you like one.

Notmyproblem I think you have read me a bit wrong tbh, I have been trying to discuss the plans and arrange them together with my mum since October. I didn't tell them I was going to them for xmas, I asked them first what their plans were.

It's not a case of going when I run out of more interesting things to do, but are you seriously telling me you would want to spend the entire school holiday out of your own home and have your dc miss out on prearranged trips and visits? Because I don't and that is what she was expecting me to do.

The carol concert isn't majorly important to me though I'd like us to go because ds has been rehearsing at toddler group for it. But my friend booked to come visit us months ago and I could hardly leave while she was here as my guest (as it turns out she has been unable to get here anyway due to the snow). So that's why I said the earliest we could go was Thursday. My parents were invited to the carol concert too if we left it til xmas eve, otherwise I said we could go after my guests left on Thursday.

As for Boxing Day the last thing I am trying to do is do my own thing-that's why I didn't just tell my aunt directly that we would be going but rang my mum first to see whether she wanted to.

Yes I do want adult company, but I also want to see my family, I really don't think I am using them! And if I was truly going to have it my way I'd tell them to come here instead but I won't because I know how much it means to my mum to host Christmas and have us all go to her.

Muriel she doesn't have to come and get me, I was planning on making my own way there but she has kept saying they will come and collect us.

Scrappy I think you are right, she probably had an idea in her head of how it would be and then got upset when she realised it wasn't going to happen exactly as she was imagining.

Anyway my rant got the annoyance out of my system and I'm about to ring her to discuss how and when we are going to get there because it is now weather dependent really.

Oh yes and everyone who said she maybe seeing herself as filling the other parent role I hadn't thought of it that way before but I do think you are probably right, and that is down to me to rectify. Not quite sure how, but I will try!

If you've invited her to the carol concert, maybe you can arrange for them to be there for it, and then all go to your mum's right after the concert. That way she can pick you up and still see the concert. Make a big deal about how much your DS would love for them to be there to see him in it.

And I would leave some presents and stockings at home to have your own small celebration at home your way as well. The kids won't mind 2 Christmases.